Dec 31, 2010

I'd like to watch nine minutes and 42 seconds of Teen Wolf Too




:7 - "I knew it, I knew Pug would win that fight"

:51 - "Holy shit"

1:21 - Intense Chubby

2:59 - Chubby gets electrocuted

3:52 - "I can mash potatoes," part 1

4:01 - Stiles' shoulder shake

4:20 - Chubby's spin move

4:56 - "I can mash potatoes," part 2

5:52 - Silly backwards jump onto balcony

6:56 - Teen Wolf Too jumps for frisbee

6:58 - Teen Wolf Too catches frisbee in mouth

8:08 - A.C. Slater stunt double impressed with Teen Wolf Too's jump roping ability

8:31 - Will Smith is loving Teen Wolf Too

9:08 - John Rocker is not loving Teen Wolf Too

9:31 - Kevin McDonald interviews John Rocker

Dec 15, 2010

Teen Wolf Too un-licensed merchandise now available




A - "Teen Wolf Too" - ADULT (M/L/XL)... $19.95

B - "You can't face life as a wolf and expect it to solve all your problems" - ADULT (M/L/XL)... $19.95

C - "Teen Wolf Too" - CHILD (XS/S/M)... $10.95

D - "I'd like to change some classes" - STICKER... $3.95


email derwoodmorris@gmail.com to order

Dec 14, 2010

That's Just About Enough of the Nonsense

It's time to play Ernie's favorite game, That's Just About Enough of the Nonsense.

Today's entry:



Thoughts? Email thisguy@embarrassmenttomychildren.com

Dec 3, 2010

Mark Holton: Sports movie legend

He's no Chelcie Ross, a man who portrayed George in Hoosiers, Eddie Harris in Major League and Dan Devine, the most hated man in South Bend, in Rudy. That's like Cy Young's win total-that thing is never going to be topped.

But Mark Holton is a solid second; consider him the 2008 Memphis to Ross' Kansas.


Holton

Holton played Chubby, the power forward with a delicatessen in his locker and a Kareem-esque hook shot, in Teen Wolf. He returned as Chubby in Teen Wolf Too, this time as a heavyweight boxer for Hamilton University. To complete the dynamic trio, Holton appeared in Little Giants as Mr. Zolteck, father of Rudy Zolteck, one of the great movie farters of all time.

Solid work, Holton.

Nov 27, 2010

Hamilton University fight song



The Hamilton boxing team needed a lift before the state championship bout against the Neemitz Academy. So, Chubby got the school fight song going and the rest is history.


"Hamilton, thou art highest of them all
we are loyal subjects, listening for your call.
Proud we of thy emblem, thou art colors green and white.
So let's get in the ring, boys, and fight, fight, fight!"

Nov 22, 2010

Night on the Town

This from an incident report at Georgia Tech University. My favorite parts are in BOLD.


Aggravated Assault

Incident Date/Time: December 11, 2010, at approximately 4:00 AM

Incident Location: Sigma Alpha Epsilon Fraternity House located at 221 Fourth Street, NW

Incident Description: Two students at the Sigma Alpha Epsilon Fraternity house heard a chopping noise coming from the backyard of their house. When they went outside to investigate, they observed a male chopping at a tree with a hatchet. They confronted the male who appeared to be intoxicated. The male swung the hatchet at one of the students and missed. The students were not injured. The male was last seen running through the fire lane towards Fowler Street, NW.

Description of Suspect:
White Male
18-20 years old
5'8" tall
Dark jacket
Blue jeans
Red Santa hat

Status of Investigation: The incident is being investigated by the Georgia Tech Police Department.

Nov 18, 2010

Bilbo's Motel




Bilbo's Motel is everywhere and everyone you wanted to be. I even went inside to make sure.


Derwood: "Bilbo's Motel?"

Desk clerk: "Yes. Is there something I can help you with, sir?"

Derwood: "The name of this motel is 'Bilbo's Motel'"?

DC: "Yes."

Derwood: "Who's Bilbo?"

DC: "Sir, would you like a room?"

Derwood: "Yeah, I'll take the Bilbo Room."


[Manager escort towards parking lot]

Nov 3, 2010

Your Teen Wolf Too Reminder




Coming soon:

"You can't face life as a wolf and expect it to solve all your problems"

"I guess the wolf makes you a jerk."

"Well it is true that sometimes it skips family members. Your mother and father aren't werewolves."

Oct 29, 2010




Sirs Day, 2010.

Enjoy.

Things got ugly at the Stick




The Giants threw at Willie McGee after Jack Clark ripped a three-run home run in the fifth. Unfortunately for Robbie Thompson, he led off the bottom half of the inning.






"The animosity from (SF pitcher, Mike) Krukow could've come from the fact that we stole at will on Bob Brenly," said St. Louis manager Ozzie Yorlap. "But if you're three-hopping it into second, I'm sending Vince Coleman and the boys all game, baby. It's about winning RBI Baseball championships, not sparing some noodle arm's feelings."

Sep 29, 2010

South Carolina, part 2




"What are we going to name this town?"

"I don't know, Townville?"

"Yes!"

Sep 27, 2010

South Carolina




Apparently, if you're car has a roof and you're not changing lanes every five seconds at 95 M.P.H., this guy hates you.

Sep 10, 2010

Jennings 2





"Listen, Gregg Popovich is not joking! This is his job!"

Sep 1, 2010

ILTCSC ACC Preview


Bobby Dodd Stadium - Staff Photo (Rainbow)

Aug 20, 2010

Crazy Guy Sundays



Saw this fresh-faced youngster at a stop light and caught a little of the conversation he was having with a blade of grass:

"Hamby's got mine on a paddycoat, you can't step in front of my sismiss and say 'hey, who are you going on a chimrat'? Meatballs? Shoot, meatballs on a tie rack, baby."

Aug 13, 2010

That smell is the 2000 NBA Draft

I know it's easy for a guy with a unibrow, sipping Busch Light, to look back on a nine-year old draft and make fun of it, but I just can't help myself. I really can't imagine there's been a worse draft in the league's history.


First, let's check out the top 7:

1. Kenyon Martin (New Jersey). Career highlight: has a tattoo of lips on his neck.
2. Stromile Swift (Vancouver). All-time leader in all things by guys named Stromile.
3. Darius Miles (LA Clippers). Let's go Clips! Let's go Clips! Let's go Clips!
4. Marcus Fizer (Chicago). Greatest Fizer in NBA history.
5. Mike Miller (Orlando). Becomes the third-ugliest white guy taken in top 5 history (Shawn Bradley, 1993; Rik Smits, 1988).



6. Dermarr Johnson (Atlanta). Similiar players on basketballreference.com: Bosjtan Nachbar. Let's go Hawks! Let's go Hawks! Let's go Hawks!
7. Chris Mihm (Cleveland). One more time: CHRIS. MIHM!

The worst of the rest

* The Clips continued to impress, taking Keyon Dooling at No. 10 and Marko Jaric with the first pick of the second round (30th overall).

* The Bulls had five draft picks in the two rounds. Here's what they did with them:

No. 4 - Fizer (above)
No. 8 - Jamal Crawford (decent pick)
No. 24 - Dalibor Bagaric (not even a good pick if this was the Croatian draft)
Nos 32, 33, 34 - A.J. Guyton, Jake Voskuhl and Khalid ElAmin (yes, the Bulls had three consecutive picks at the start of the second round and managed to screw up all three. Incredible.)

* These were 7 of the final 10 picks of the first round:

Craig Claxton - No. 20 (Philly)
Donnell Harvey - No. 22 (Dallas)
Iakovos Tsakalidis - No. 25 (Phoenix)
Mamadou NDiaye - No. 26 (Denver)
Primoz Brezec - No. 27 (Indiana)
Erick Barkley - No. 28 (Portland)
Mark Madsen - No. 29 (LA Lakers)

My goodnessgracious.

Aug 9, 2010

Cathy




Cathy McDonald count:

"cini minis" - 9
"eggs-actly!" - 1

Aug 8, 2010

Manute Bol's band



We've got Manute on bass, Muggsy Bogues on, amplifier I guess, and some kind of stuffed animal on drums.

Terry "Cat Man" Catledge wasn't available to play drums?

Jul 19, 2010

Top 10 sports movie characters

Gregory Urbano over at cbssports.com put together something called Spin's Top 10 Sports Movie Characters. A pretty weak effort looking to appeal to the masses with a lot of Hollywood silliness. That makes sense for cbssports.com because they actually APPEAL TO THE MASSES. As for ILTCSC, we appeal to this guy:




We put together our own top-10. First, a quick recap of Urbano's top 10:

10. Ray Kinsella, Field of Dreams. Boooooooooooooooooooo. I can think of about 4,000,000 actors who could've played the role of Ray Kinsella as good or better than Kevin Costner, including top Kevin Costner lookalike Andy Franklin. I think Urbano/CBS wanted to give a nod to the movie, but this wasn't a top 10 sports movie list.
9. Shooter McGavin, Happy Gilmore. One of two characters on both lists. More on McGavin later.
8. Jimmy Dugan, A League of their Own. And here's the second. The fact Urbano has him No. 8 should tell you what the rest of his list looks like. More on Dugan later.
7. Nuke LaLoosh, Bull Durham. First of all, BD isn't a sports movie; it's a regular movie with a few sports scenes in it. And if it wasn't for Rudi Stein in Bad News Bears Tim Robbins' LaLoosh character would have the worst pitching windup and delivery in baseball movie history.
6. Rudy Ruettiger, Rudy. Again, a great sports movie, but Sean Astin as a 5-1, 104-pound middle linebacker playing Division I college football doesn't qualify as a top-10 sports movie character. Like Costner/Ray Kinsella, anyone could've been Astin/Rudy.
5. Rick Vaughn, Major League. The only character in Major League to make his list. That should tell you a little more. Charlie Sheen had some great lines ("They got chili dogs over there?"), but Urbano is missing two characters in ML that belong on a top-10 list.
4. Roy Hobbs, The Natural. Terrible.
3. Hanson Brothers, Slap Shot. Never seen Slapshot, but from what I've heard, Steve, Dave and Jeff Hanson were fantastic. Based on word of mouth, I'll let this one slide.
2. Rod Tidwell, Jerry Maguire. Mehkkh.
1. Carl Spackler, Caddyshack. We all love Bill Murray, but the No. 1 sports movie character is Carl Spackler? Al Czervik (Rodney Dangerfield) and Judge Smails (Ted Knight) were much funnier than Spackler. Spackler is probably the fifth-funniest character in the movie (Czervik, Smails, Ty Webb and Smails' son, Spaulding).

You know what, Spaulding is the funniest. Czervik No. 2.


Overall, not a great list.

Here's a better one...

10. Hamilton Porter, Sandlot. "Ham", played by Patrick Renna, only cares about baseball and swimming. Gets into legendary kid-insult war with one of the rival kids. Wins with "you play ball like a girl" line, out-lasting rival kid's "you bob for apples in the toilet, and you like it."
Extra points: Gets about seven extra points for not appearing in any of the Sandlot sequels.

Best line (As Scott Smalls runs from left field to home plate with the ball): "What the hell is he doing?"

9. Terence Mann, Field of Dreams. Mann goes from angry, violent, former 60s radical, Terrence, to jolly, Baseball Encyclopedia-reading "Terry" in a matter of four scenes. That's how good of a movie this was.
Extra point: Becomes the Jackie Robinson of baseball movies when he is the first black player to be invited into the cornfield.

Best line: "We have a learning disability here?"

8. Tanner Boyle, Bad News Bears. Boyle is the un-questioned leader of the Bears even though he is 3-3, 42-pounds and a bonafide bigot and sexist. But Boyle is somehow still lovable, and he has some legendary moments: fights the entire 7th grade; gets thrown into a trash can defending Lupis; makes 139 errors at second base; throws his glove at a base-runner on several occasions; uses the phrase "booger-eatin' moron".
Extra point: Called out at first on a grounder to second base in second game of the season against the Athletics. Appeared to have beaten the throw.

Best line: "Engelburg, quit your crummy belly-achin' and throw the ball to first base!"

7. McGavin, Happy Gilmore. He's like Judge Smails but sinister and with much better hair.
Extra point: Does a great double mouth-click finger-gun.

Best line: "I saw two, big, fat naked bikers in the woods off 17 having sex. How can I chip with that going on?"

6. Stillwell, A League of their Own. Over the course of the movie, Evelyn's portly son, played by Justin Scheller, eats the lineup card; nearly runs the Peaches' team bus off the road when he covers the driver's eyes and is nearly killed by a flying glove before game seven of the World Series.
Extra point: Stillwell as an adult is played by Mark Holton, whose character occupies our No. 2 ranking.

Best line (Just before getting hit with the glove): "You're gonna lose, you're gonna lose, you stink, you're gonna lose..."

5. Shooter, Hoosiers. I mean, Dennis Hopper's character is so drunk he wanders out onto the court during the Sectionals against Terhune, screams gibberish at the referees and gets the Huskers a technical foul. Before that, he takes over for an ejected coach Norman Dale, runs the Picket Fence and beats Dugger with a last-second shot.
Extra point: Claims to know "everything there is to know about the game of basketball." That's good enough for me.

Best line (To referee after stumbling onto court): "You're out of position to make the call!"

4. Eddie Harris, Major League. Unbelievable workload for a starting pitcher who is obviously in his late-40s/early 50s and can't throw harder than 45 M.P.H. Did the Indians have a bullpen? Harris, played by sports movie legend Chelcie Ross (see: Hoosiers; Rudy), is devoted to the lord, yet reads Hustler and has about six different foreign substances on his body to cheat with while on the mound.
Extra point: Goes 8 2/3 innings and throws 273 pitches (unofficial) in the one-game playoff against the Yankees. Gets no-decision.

Best line: "Are you trying to say Jesus Christ can't hit a curve ball?"

3. Dugan, A League of their Own. Tom Hanks is the greatest movie coach/manager of all time and it's not even close. Dugan scratches his crotch for an entire inning; knocks a six-year old unconscious by throwing a glove at his head; and tells the umpire he looks like a penis with a little hat on. That's just a few examples....

EXTRA POINT: But he's in the top 3 because of this conversation-

Walter Harvey: You kind of let me down on that San Antonio job.
Jimmy Dugan: I, uh, yeh, I, uh... I freely admit, sir, I had no right to... sell off the team's equipment like that; that won't happen again.
Harvey: Let me be blunt. Are you still a fall-down drunk?
Dugan: Well, that is blunt. Ahem. No sir, I've, uh, quit drinking.
Harvey: You've seen the error of your ways.
Dugan: No, I just can't afford it.
Harvey: It's funny to you. Your drinking is funny. You're a young man, Jimmy, you still could be playing, if you just would've laid off the booze.
Dugan: Well, it's not exactly like that... I hurt my knee.
Harvey: You fell out of a hotel! That's how you hurt it.
Dugan: Well, there was a fire.
Harvey: Which you started, which I had to pay for.
Dugan: Well, now, I was going to send you a thank-you card, Mr. Harvey, but I wasn't allowed anything sharp to write with.


2. Chubby, Teen Wolf Too. A modern-day Renaissance Man. Chubby is not only the heavyweight on Hamilton University's boxing team, he also:

- Plays the tuba in the school's orchestra
- Was the producer/engineer of Teen Wolf Too's live performance of Do You Love Me
- Was on the school's fencing team.

Extra point: Got the boxing team to sing Hamilton's alma mater before the big state final match against the Nimitz Academy.

Best line: All lines are fantastic.

1. Harry Doyle, Major League. Bob Uecker as Harry Doyle.

Extra point: Essentially in a one-man booth because color commentator, Monty, doesn't speak.

Best lines:

"The Duke leads the league in saves, strike outs and hit batsmen. This guy threw at his own kid at a father-son game."

"A lot of new faces in Chief Wahoo's tribe this year...and hopefully we'll have some of the names that go with those faces before their first at-bat."

Jul 12, 2010

All Star scavenger hunt

ANAHEIM - After a good breakfast and 11 cigarettes, I visited the All-Star Fan Fest at the Convention Center. I had a short list of photos I needed to obtain.

1. Someone in a Pittsburgh Pirates jersey making balloon animals


















2. An Oddibe McDowell autographed photo selling for $20














3. Kansas City Royals anything


















4. A John Grabow autographed photo selling for $12

Jul 11, 2010

Jun 24, 2010

Now THAT'S a clean fireplace




Three guys came by the apartment today and cleaned the fireplace. By "cleaned" I don't mean Mary Poppins, chimney sweep-style; it was three guys with a wet-dry vac.

I've got a couple questions:

1. Three guys are needed to vaccum my fireplace?
2. It's June 24; it's 97 degrees outside; couldn't this have waited until November?

Jun 21, 2010

ILTCSC Archives

Visiting an old classic....


Jun 10, 2010

Portraits available for order


Marc Russo



Rory Corcoran


If you'd like a self-portrait drawn by our award-winning staff, email derwoodmorris@gmail.com with an attached photo.


Portraits are $1 + cost of penguin transfer.

Your Teen Wolf Too reminder



"Frog fighting in my lab?"

May 22, 2010

Letter from the editor




Stay away from this man.


- Derwood Morris

May 16, 2010

Bingo Update



July 4

1:19 a.m.: Yawn

1:22 a.m.: Under couch

--

July 5

1:56 a.m.: Yawn

11:28 p.m.: Burp; yawn

--

July 8

6:46 p.m.: Swinging, acrobatics on shower rod


July 10 - 12:16 p.m.
While hiding in green shower curtain, scares Grandma

-

July 23, 1:57 a.m.
Under couch

May 14, 2010

Bingo




Bingo update (June 29, 2:31 p.m.): Stretched; sneezed.

June 30, 12:36 a.m.: ate a spider

June 30, 12:38 a.m.: threw up spider/other grayish-orange things

May 9, 2010

This Week in Gross

We're starting a new segment here at ILTCSC called This Week in Gross.

This week: Ruby Tuesday salad bar




"We have a sneeze guard!"

That's fantastic. Do you have an I Wiped My Nose With My Hand and Then Grabbed the Ranch Dressing Ladle guard?

How about an Old Woman Skin Flakes guard?

Maybe you can check in the walk-in freezer for a Six-Year Old Whose Never Washed His Hands guard.

You have none of those items? Then why don't you go ahead and keep the sunflower seed kernels and the raisins. I'm going to eat something that I'm pretty sure only two people - the cook and the server - touched.

I didn't circle the restaurant shaking everyone's hand and then licked my own hand after each shake, so why would I eat from this salad bar?


Extra point: A mirror is provided so everyone can see how disgusting they are.

Apr 18, 2010

Photography


Cockroach in wine (Sherman Jr.)

Apr 15, 2010

Ken Harrelson strikes again

I just wanted to watch the Whitesox and Tigers for a few innings; try to keep my cat

from eating this paper clip



and Ken Harrelson had to speak:

"The errors of this day and age are so much more magnified than the errors of yesteryear."

[Rambling about pitch counts...]

"On a scale of 1-to-10 (errors) used to be a '2'. Now, it's like an '8'."


Why don't you snack on that one for a little while.

Apr 9, 2010

Cards steal 31 bases in six innings against Minnesota

Andy Hawkins

I posted this on my old Yankees blog, but I think it's worth another look.


Perhaps the 12 worst days of Andy Hawkins' life

We all remember what happened July 1, 1990: Andy Hawkins throws eight no-hit innings at Comiskey Park and loses, 4-0 to the Whitesox. Sad day for all of us, but especially for me, as the basement in my house had flooded the night before. I didn't even have a basement closet to cry in.

I don't mean to bring up old, horrifying memories; encourage you to remember Stump Merrill....but take a look at Hawkins' two starts after the lost no-hitter:


July 6: the Yanks lose game one of a doubleheader to the Twins, 2-0 in 12 innings (we couldn't stop Gene Larkin: 3-for-4, RBI). What you might not remember is, Hawkins went 11 2/3 innings before allowing run-scoring singles to Brian Harper and Larkin.

11 2/3 innings!

I think it took Jaret Wright five starts in 2006 to get to 11 2/3 innings.

July 12: Hawkins gives up eight earned in 4 1/3 innings in an 8-0 loss. Whitesox pitcher Melido Perez, later a Yankee, throws a no-hitter in six rain-shortened innings.


Quick recap:


Start No. 1 - Throws no-hitter; loses 4-0

Start No. 2 - Pitches 11 2/3 innings, allows two runs with two outs in the 12th inning; loses 2-0

Start No. 3 - Allows eight runs in 4 1/3 innings; loses 8-0; opposing pitcher throws a no-hitter

Apr 6, 2010

In these tough economic times....

It's good to just get outside on a rainy day and have a sword fight.


Mar 30, 2010

ILTCSC re-visits an old friend




"OK....this is off the record, but I probably find Tim Duncan as boring as you find Tim Duncan. Mrs. Duncan found him boring, too. He has a little trouble getting up and down the court, he doesn't relate very well to the power forwards of this generation and his ears are terrible. But that doesn't relieve you from your responsbility for this material. I'm still waiting for a feature story from some of you. Listen, Gregg Popovich is not joking! This is his job!"