Dec 21, 2013

News story

When he purchased a basketball goal for his sons last Christmas, local man Randy Kepshire thought it would lead to great success on the court for Randy Jr., age 13, and nine-year old Harold. Instead, the hoop, located in front of the family’s home at 345 Durly Court, has gone nearly a full calendar without a single shot being made into it.

Nearly a year after the purchase, Kepshire estimates more than 2,000 shots have been missed by the two boys.

“Not even a lucky shot has gone in. You know, maybe Randy Jr. throws the ball up in the air as a joke and it goes in,” said Kepshire, 42. “We didn’t count a shot Harold made in June because my wife, Patrice has pictures of him using a ladder.”

Kepshire was skeptical of his sons’ athletic ability even before he purchased the hoop December 9, 2012. He's now convinced they should be discouraged from sports altogether.

“I wanted to raise the next Michael Jordan, but these kids play more like Estelle Jordan,” said Kepshire, while pointing to his next-door neighbor, Estelle Jordan.

Dec 17, 2013

Cast list announced

The cast has been chosen for the upcoming Lyle Chainko play Pass The Salt: A Love Story:

Perry Rabbdoff as salt shaker
Sasha Durly as herself
Peebop Stensen as rearview mirror/rearview mirror alter ego Paul Plank
apple core as itself
Roscoe Nenna as Mel from Jersey
pepper shaker as Judge Maxwell
Murray and Katherine Reynolds as lucky couple #6
Patrick Naz as telephone polls 6-through-14
Byron Zorma as the OPEN DOOR elevator button
Harriet Winstrom as Pepano Vodka spokesgirl Paula Vantz
Kernop-9 as the evil grains of salt of sadness
Edwin San-Michael as Professor Kenneth Murphy

In theaters January 3!

Dec 13, 2013

Sports photos by Bobby Feathers

Kyle Korver practices his free throw shooting at Philips Arena in Atlanta, Georgia before the Atlanta Hawks-Washington Wizards game on December 13, 2013

Dec 11, 2013

Walking With Soup (Kaye and Ess, part 3)

Slither in boo-bop down the street
in their five-toed canvas-covered feet
it was lovelys, Kaye & Ess to share
a cup of minestrone Pete-

-a bread to dunkinto the broth
it's making eaches pieces soft
this drizzly noon atop Mount Claire
they've spotted discarded pieces of cloth

The 'strone having long since past
they snack upon a bowl of bass
spoon-in-spoon Kaye and Ess leave bare
the seafood-spotted cauldron's mass

Strolling 'pon their final spot
(a soup trade show, said the atlas dot)
Kaye and Ess could only stare:
'twas Souperman stirring the noodle pot.

Dec 4, 2013

Auburn basketball fact of the day

Assistant coach Milt Wagner is married to the former Jan Ford of Memphis.

(Page 18)

Dec 1, 2013

Photo caption contest winner

"Georgia coach Andy Landers watches Sunday's game against Georgia State."

[Submitted by Bernie Topada]

Nov 27, 2013

Additions to the ILTCSC glossary

Ewingpie - to fall in love with a drawing of a hippopotamus
Leafname - to give individual leaves first names
Potatolocks - a person who puts a spoonful of mashed potatoes in his/her hair as a matter of protest
Tubecroon - to serenade a tube sock or pair of tube socks

Nov 21, 2013

Don't sit like that

[Discovered by ILTCSC reader Akash Shimarod]

Nov 20, 2013

Rudi Stein?!

Bad News Bears is a really good baseball movie. But I've also got a lot of problems with it.

Today we're going to talk about a huge managerial blunder by Buttermaker, and it's called

The Rudi Stein Problem

First, let's go back to day one of practice for the Bears baseball team. It's a beautiful, spring afternoon and we're trying to figure out who can play what position. 

Rudi Stein volunteers to pitch. 

Though he seemed quite eager to pitch, jumping off the bleachers to inform Buttermaker of his desire to play the position, that's all Stein was: a volunteer. No one else in the yellow and brown wanted to be the hurler that would each game give up 27 runs and take seven comebackers off the shins. No one wanted to be the face of that team, and my goodness did that team have some faces.


Truthfully, there just weren't a ton of options on day one of spring camp:

* Engleberg is eating candy through the bars in his catcher's mask

* Lupus is getting hay fever out in right field

* Tanner Boyle falls down every time he does anything

* Ogilvie is in a windbreaker and jeans, didn't even bother to bring a glove

* Buttermaker is already nine beers in

* Kelly Leak is still weeks away from joining the team

* They've got a left-handed third baseman in a velvet jogging suit who is afraid of the ball

It's just a mess of a first day of practice, and there's no one else to get on the mound and take the daily shellacking. So Stein was the guy. That’s fine for a non-serious little league where the kids and coaches are getting some fresh air, having fun and playing baseball.

But this is no such little league. 

The players have a genuine hatred for each other. The coaches are either drunks or psychotic (I'm still hoping they one day release a new Bad News Bears DVD with extras where in one of the deleted scenes the Bears come back and beat the Yankees and Ron Turner is shown having hung himself in the dugout while Cleveland sobs in front of the body).

Anyway, Stein of course gets lit up. He's historically bad - bouncing pitches, can't field his position, throwing to the wrong bases, accidentally swallowing whole the rosin bag while attempting to field a bunt (sorry, that was another deleted scene).

The Bears are struggling, but Buttermaker finds Amanda Whurlitzer in a lawn chair handing out maps and remembers "this kid's got a curve ball and I used to have sex with her mother. Maybe I can somehow get her t......." (passes out on the side of the road).

Soon the Bears have an ace and Stein can go back to whatever he did before he became a Bear. Perhaps the clarinet, I don't know.

Whurlitzer is pitching a ton of innings with that right arm, sure, but she's dominant and the best pitcher in the league. The Bears pass everyone into second and get a shot at the Yankees. 

Unfortunately, that wear and tear on the arm leads to Whurlitzer getting hurt in the championship game.

Buttermaker has to go to the pen.

Who does he turn to?

Rudi Stein.


He goes right back to Rudi Stein?!

* At no time during the regular season, during practice, did he see if ANYONE ELSE could pitch? Ogilvie is the team statistician, refuses to play, he just wants to count foul balls and chart pitches. He couldn't at one point say "hey, Buttermaker, I know Amanda is pitching great, but let's say she gets know, STEIN is the only other pitcher we have. Want to try to see if anyone else can pitch?"

Maybe Ogilvie tried, but Buttermaker had passed out while sunbathing nude in right field during an intrasquad scrimmage, who knows. But I still put this on Ogilvie. He should've done something.


And now we're in a tie championship game in the late innings, and Stein gets the ball again!

Ahmad Abdul Rahim?

Either of the Agular brothers?

The lefty they moved from 3rd to 1st? He can't give it a shot?! Sure, that might’ve meant Jose Agular: First Baseman Part 2, and we saw how poorly went Part 1, but they're not going to even see if the lefty can get some people out?

Give Tanner Boyle a shot. He may have been 3'4 and a horrible racist and bully, but he MUST'VE BEEN BETTER THAN RUDI STEIN.

If people are yelling out for anyone, EVEN THE RACIST, to pitch instead of the kid you currently have on the mound, you might have the wrong kid on the mound.

And finally: 


According to Toby Whitewood, he's "the best athlete in the area" and he can't pitch?! This kid is all-area, probably headed to college on a scholarship and/or prison and you're telling me he can't pass Rudi Stein on the pitching depth chart?!

The Bears deserved that runner-up trophy.

Nov 11, 2013

Additions to the ILTCSC glossary

Leafplotka - a toupee made of leaves
Lightcroon - to serenade a stop light
Reggiepologist - a Reggie apologist
Sampledate - taking a carpet sample out on a date

ILTCSC Glossary

Nov 5, 2013

Don't shave like that

[Discovered by ILTCSC reader Capolo Henderson]

Nov 3, 2013

The head coaching career of Todd Dodge

Todd Dodge coached some college football games - 43 to be exact - for the University of North Texas.

Dodge's career record:
2007  2-10
2008  1-11
2009  2-10
2010  1-6

That's a winning percentage of .140!

Some notes on his 3 1/2 years at the Denton, Texas school, an era which some called "Dodgeball":

* Defeated Western Kentucky three times for half of his six victories, including a 68-49 win on October 31, 2009.


- Fake newspaper headline from November 1, 2009

Lance Dunbar ended up averaging 9.9 yards on 23 carries against a Western Kentucky defense that included seven future NFL (National Felt Massaging League) players.

* Lost to Arkansas 66-7 on September 29, 2007. The Razorbacks led 45-0 before NT got a one-yard touchdown run from quarterback Giovanni Vizza to make it 45-7 just before halftime.


- North Texas fan Murton Shouse

With 31 seconds left, Arkansas' Jerell Norton intercepted Vizza and returned it 100 yards to make it 66-7.


- Fake headline from an online game story, October 31, 2009

Vizza finished 8-of-26 passing for 118 yards on his way to the Hysman Trophy award, named after Eugene Hysman for excellence in the field of apple core disposal.

* In 2010, Dodge was fired after a 1-6 start and his last game was a 34-10 loss to Florida International. FIU used the victory as a springboard to a Little Caesars Bowl victory and a national championship (of pointing at leaves, or the NPAL title).

* Mike Canales took over on an interim basis and immediately did what so many Todd Dodges had done before him - defeated Western Kentucky soundly (33-6) - and finished 2-3 in his only five games as head coach. Canales nearly pulled off the upset of Kansas State in the season finale (lost 49-41) and the Wildcats lost to Syracuse in the first-ever Pinstripe Bowl at the new Yankee Stadium, a game attended by Vinny Babooch. 

That's a little game we like to call Four Degrees of Vinny Babooch.

North Texas ----> Kansas State ----> Syracuse ----> Vinny Babooch

Oct 27, 2013

Don't stand like that

when taking someone's order at a restaurant

Oct 21, 2013

Additions to the ILTCSC glossary

Lovefountain - falling in love with a water fountain
Sleeverole - accidentally baking a t-shirt sleeve into a casserole
Toyrole - accidentally baking a child’s toy into a casserole
Warren - someone who can't leave the house without first reprimanding a piece of toast

ILTCSC glossary

Oct 19, 2013

Oct 9, 2013

The phrases I heard fans yell at a high school softball game

"It's all about you"
"Turn on it"/"Turn on it hard"/"Turn on one and drive it"
"Hands out"
"Relax and have fun"
"Find you a way"
"I see you up there"
"Base hit, do a job"
"Hands and eyes to the ball"
"You're ready now"/"Now you're ready"
"Make the adjustment"
"Let those hands go"
"We ain't laying down"
"Take off baby"
"Top of the ball"
"Eye on the prize"
"Fight it off"
"Take your time"
"No rush, stay strong"
"Be talking out there"
"Hit it hard someplace"
"Don't get frustrated"
"Bat on the ball"
"Through the zone, you can do it"
"Get that posture right"
"Battle"/"Battle with 2"
"One pitch one spot"
"Elbows and knees"
"Use your corners"
"Let's heat it up"/"Let's warm it up"
"Stay hot"
"Paint them corners"
"Need somebody to talk"
"Keep pushing"
"Got to come to you"
"Knock it out"
"Adjust"/"Adjust to the pitch"
"Climb the ladder"
"Got to be your pitch"
"Fight back"
"Good cut"
"Make it be there"
"Turn them hips"
"Protect, gotta protect"
"Step up right here one time"
"No pain no gain"
"Sling it, girl"
"Use your legs"
"Way to do a job"
"Be aggressive in the zone"
"Don't let it jam you"
"Everything's out in front"
"Be ready to hit"
"Stay behind it"

Sep 27, 2013

Sep 16, 2013

Additions to the ILTCSC glossary

Celerist - a person who has legally married a stalk of celery
Celeromy - to marry multiple stalks of celery

ILTCSC Glossary

Sep 12, 2013

Cat boxing statistics

Nickname(s): "Mo", "Louis", "Gerald", "Leonard", "Larry"
Age: 11
Career record: 18-4

Notable wins: desk lamp (May, 2004); pen (December, 2005); shadow of desk lamp (May, 2004); Sam (January, 2006); cockroach (April, 2012)

Memorable defeats: bookcase shelf (April, 2007); shadow of leg (August, 2009)

Career status: retired

Nickname: "Jake"
Age: 14
Career record: 25-5

Notable wins: Christmas tree (December, 2000); Jebo (February, 2001); shadow of ceiling fan (March, 2003)

Memorable defeats: Christmas tree (December, 2000); wine glass (September, 2006)

Career status: retired

Nickname: Julio
Age: 12
Career record: 8-4

Notable wins: underneath part of the bed (May, 2004); Christmas tree ornament (December, 2006); woman leg (June, 2008)

Memorable defeats: Morris (January, 2006); alarm clock (February, 2006); cockroach (May, 2007)

Career status: retired

Age 2
Career record: 2-6

Notable wins: gum wrapper (May, 2013)

Memorable defeats: 3' bush (July 17, 2013; July 18, 2013)

Career status: active

Aug 13, 2013

The people I saw at my mother's apartment complex pool

Screaming kid
Guy with tiny bathing suit
Kid who just peed
Guy who just drank his 9th Bud Light
Cell phone lady
Screaming kid 2
Nude kid
Old man who doesn't like the sun
Hey, there he is!
Guy wearing his shirt in the pool
Sweaty lady
Guy who spilled his 10th Bud Light on cell phone lady
Nude kid 2 (nephew)
Shirtless guy with helicopter tattoo
Loud lady
Lady having cigarette in the pool
Loud guy
Plotka 2
Screaming kid 3
Large lady with tiny bathing suit

Aug 2, 2013

Additions to the ILTCSC glossary

HeavyErnie - the act of bringing a shovel into the bathtub
Peppermouthsnoozer - someone who has slept with a full pepper in their mouth
Soupbowlwoman - half-woman, half-bowl of soup

ILTCSC Glossary

Jun 11, 2013

The people I saw today at Roswell Municipal Court

Useless lady
Standaround guy
Hey, there she is!
Useless lady 2
Ho ho! That’s the guy!
Standaround guy 2
Guy with handcuffs
Lady with pen
Standaround guy 3
Useless guy
Lady with concerned look
"Old what’s-his-name"
Useless guy 2
Weird-looking guy with a pencil
Guy with disappointed look
Lady with clipboard
Whispering lady
Lady pointing at things
Standaround lady
Out of breath guy
Nervous lady
Nervous friend of nervous lady
Standaround lady 2
That’s the guy from earlier
Sweaty lady
Lady who mispronounces everyone’s name
Hey, there he is!
Guy holding sheets of paper
Plotka 2
Loud guy
Useless lady 3
Foot-tapping guy
Standaround lady 3
Arms crossed serious guy
Staring guy
Stand up and walk over there lady
Guy with concerned look
Plotka 3
Useless guy 3
Lady who whispers things to other lady
Walk around lady
Guy with pen
Nervous guy scratching head often
Lady who only says “you’re good to go”
Staring guy 2
Guy who whispers things to lady who whispers things to other lady
Useless lady 4

Apr 12, 2013