Oct 23, 2017

Football phrases diary, part 4

Games played from 10/13 - 10/22

California-Washington State, 10/13, ESPN

"near the sticks"
"paid dividends"
"pick six"
"chunk plays"
"Pac 12 after dark" (3)

Ohio State-Nebraska, 10/14, Fox Sports 1

"puts on the after burners"
"keeps the chains moving"
"from the shadow of their own end zone"

Georgia State-Louisiana Monroe, 10/14, espn3.com

"on all cylinders" (2)
"amp it up"
"the RPO area of their offense" (2)
"a jack of all trades"
"that has been the bugaboo"

"pre-snap read"
"they're very vanilla on defense"
"turf toe"

Our first turf toe of the season!

"he moves chains"
"the bubble set up"
"third and manageable"

Louisiana-Arkansas State, 10/19, ESPNU

"vocal leader"
"these two camps describe this rivalry as 'healthy hatred'"
"50-50 balls"
"double digit gallop"
"lowered the pads"
"wall of blockers"
"ran out of gas"
"razzle dazzle"
"plus territory"
"we're still more than a week away from Halloween, but the bag of tricks for the Redwolves!"

Memphis-Houston, 10/19, ESPN

Color commentator Andre Ware:

"quarterback pitch man relationship"
"hybrid linebacker-defensive end"
"third and medium"

Third And rankings

1. Third and manageable
2. Third and forever
3. Third and California
4. Third and medium

"chomping at the bit"
"getting a receiver in space"
"they mash the gas"

bumper sticker:

"fleet of foot"
"that's just film study"

Oct 18, 2017

Draft analysis

2017 draft - 1st round

1 - Portland. Elliot Torkelson, Maglio Technical Institute. Torkelson's breath held under mustard set the combine-record (17 minutes, 23 seconds).

2 - Huntsberry. Illio Olladiaye (EEL-EE-O  OLL-UH-DEE-A), no college. Huntsberry takes a gamble with the native of the Woozz Jungle as Olladiaye was a hippopotamus from 1994-2015. To improve his draft stock, had his ears surgically removed and replaced with potato chips.

3 - Sork Valley. Qwan Attley Jr., Queh College and Raisin Bar. Expansion Watersquirrels take the youngest player in the draft, Attley, a third-generation piece of sandpaper. Signability is an issue as agent, pecan, said Attley wouldn’t sign “for anything less than 13 grade school children’s drawings of tomatoes”.

4 - British Columbia. Miles Lemmick, Pepano University. A surprise pick by the Skypencils, who were reportedly looking to forfeit the pick and instead have front office personnel share a bowl of owner Horace Grunfield’s wife Maureen’s beef stew. Lemmick made a name for himself when on the final day of the combine bathed in gravel.

5 - Jasper County. Ewing Zeeble, Vweetley University. As a senior at Vweetley, Zeeble set national records, including most beard hair eaten (1.3 pounds) and purplest bruise thigh or below.

6 - Tallahassee. Ollie, Schlofko University. Scout: “Carries enough goldfish in his socks to make an impact right away, but if it comes down to late-game situations, will he be able to shake off the ’15 national title match loss when he put his fish, Juwon, in his ear?”

7 - San Antonio. Ross Oberman, Poog Cronin College Online. The Ceilingdragons take Oberman, who was last seen in March propositioning with an oak tree for a ride to the airport. While at PCCO, Oberman spent a conference-record 13 consecutive days living in a washing machine.

8 - Lewisville. Hakeem Ernack, Queh College and Raisin Factory. The second Queh College graduate selected, Ernack is expected to compete for one of Lewisville’s vacant leaf pointer positions. Had all 10 of his fingers surgically removed and replaced by green beans as a Christmas present to his former wife, pillow (December, 2006).

Oct 8, 2017

Football phrases, running diary part 3

Games played from 9/29 - 10/7

Nebraska-Illinois, 9/29, FS1

"walk off under his own power"
"speed rush"
"bubble screen"
"eyes to the tuck"


"scoop and score"
"that's a make your quarterback look good moment"
"trying to overwhelm Illinois, like waves on a beach - over and over again until they break"


"gang tackled"
"power football"
"wheelhouse" (2)

USC-Washington State, 9/29, ESPN

"USC, are they battle-tested, or battle-scarred?"
"the 'it' factor"
"fresh legs"

Our first 'fresh legs' of the season!

"that's all want-to and willpower"
"prototypical NFL pocket passer"
"violent hands"
"plus territory" (2)
"he's very cerebral"
"un-Mike Leachesque"

Again -

"un-Mike Leachesque"

Clemson-Virginia Tech, 9/30, ABC

"stem the tide"
"the linebackers are trying to eat tonight too"
"ball hawking safety"

Indianapolis-Seattle, 10/1, NBC

"the 12th man" (3)
"the legion of boom"

Washington-Kansas City, 10/2, ESPN

Hello again, Jon Gruden:

"edge player"
"this Hogs 2.0 outfit"
"situational awareness"

This phrase is 100% nonsense.

"the Toledo Rocket rockin' the NFL!"
"bells and whistles"
"he's been selling chemistry"

I was a boy scout for a couple years, and once a year we'd go around to houses and try to sell items from this giant suitcase to make money for the troup. One of those items was a chemistry set.

THAT'S selling chemistry.

"hard count"
"they bring juice on the opposite side"

Boise State-BYU, 10/6, ESPN

"I love this guy as a football player"
"extremely high football IQ"
"dragged down in space"

Minnesota-Purdue, 10/7, ESPN

Welcome to the Kelly Stouffer Hour, sponsored by Nonsense

"ball hawks"
"continuity up front"
"chip on their shoulder"
"big body tight end "(2)
"splash plays"
"gadget plays"
"RPO - run, pass option"
"multiple personnel groupings"
"hard count"
"pre-snap intel"
"third and forever"
"legacy Boilermaker"
"he's a game manager"

Fresno State-San Jose State, 10/7, ESPN

"rivalries are just what they are: rivalries"

You can say that about absolutely everything, commentator Forrest Conoly. Look:

Cupcakes are just what they are: cupcakes.
Train schedules are just what they are: train schedules.

"handed the keys to the offense"
"a team that plays through the whistle"

Western Illinois-Northern Iowa, 10/7, Panther Sports Network

"bend but don't break"
"a fresh set of sticks"
"pocket awareness"
"change of pace back"

Michigan State-Michigan, 10/7, ABC

"legacy game"
"move the sticks"
"in the trenches"
"exotic pressure"
"the Paul Bunyan Trophy"

San Diego State-UNLV, 10/7, ESPN

"he's going to have to grow up fast in a hurry"


Rest of San Diego State-UNLV game

"student of the game"
"play the sticks"
"hat on a hat"
"old school power back"
"Big 12 flag bearer"
"throwing window"

Previous diaries


Oct 4, 2017


The storm is currently just a depression, so we're pre-naming it 'Nate' in case it becomes a tropical storm?

What if it never turns into a storm? That's a waste of Nate.

And why can't the depression get a name?

Tropical Depression Nadine?
Tropical Depression Kenny?

AND, I think we should start naming every weather situation. I want to see Mid-afternoon Rain Randy, Light Snow Otto, Bit of a Breeze Teresa.

Clear Cathy?

I want to brace myself for Clear Cathy.

All 7!

This is from cbssports.com article on the AL Wild Card Game October 3:

Sep 24, 2017

Football phrases running diary, part 2

Games played from 9/16-9/23

Rice at Houston, 9/16, ESPN

"he plays at pad level"
"get them in space"/"get them on an island"
"going through his progressions"
"moving the chains"

Mississippi State at Georgia, 9/23, ESPN

"tackle box"
"big body receiver"

Houston Baptist at McNeese State, 9/23, FOX

"you have to play four quarters" (said four times)
"second and a mile"
"pick six" (4)
"highlight reel catch"
"shift of momentum"
"Johnny on the spot"

Oklahoma at Baylor, 9/23, FOX

"not necessarily bad blood, but familiar blood...recruiting blood"


"matching some physicality"
"home run threat"
"carry the mail"

Sep 22, 2017


There once was a man called Carew
who lost one or more of his shoes;
he's been barefoot since then
for all toes up to ten
which has left his pedicurist quite blue.

Sep 13, 2017

Joe Flacco released

Flacco's Team officially released Joe Flacco Wednesday morning, just days after the Baltimore quarterback threw for 121 yards in an opening day win over Cincinnati.

With Tampa Bay quarterback Jameis Winston returning for week two, Flacco no longer had a starting position.

"We appreciate everything Joe gave us during his time in the organization - the more-than 120 passing yards, everything. He'll be truly missed," said interim GM Pepe Tiggs. "Of course, he'll have to return his snow pants and reimburse the organization for that haircut."

Flacco's week one performance, which included a four-yard pass to Terrance West in the first quarter, helped Flacco's Team defeat Nigel Snodgrass, a team made up of several Australian emus and four boxes of romaine lettuce, 82.54 to 68.66.

The team, which for the remainder of the season will wear taco shells on their uniforms to honor their former teammate, will now be called The Danny Amendolas.

"I think it's the right decision. I really do," said Danny Amendola impersonator Morris Fleck.

Sep 5, 2017

Football Phrases 2017 tour - running diary part 1

Games played from 9/1 - 9/4/17

Wisconsin vs. Utah State - espn, 9/1/17
10:09 pm

"smash mouth football"


First of year! 2nd quarter, 5:45 mark.

The football season hasn't truly begun until we get our first.

"they've had a bad taste in their mouth"
"change the trajectory of their program"
"if it's third down, I'm going to this cat!"
"a passing posture"
"are you cashing in with six?"
"big boy football"
"when Ohio State rolls their sleeves up"
"let's play Badger football"
"talk to me about the trenches"/
"not enough people are talking about the trenches"
"impose their will"

Auburn-Georgia Southern, 9/2, sec network

"mixing up the run schemes"
"directing traffic"
"shots down the field"
"speed kills"

Commercial break:

Look, SEC, we get it - your conference exists. Can we relax just a little bit?

They'll slap the SEC logo on your undershorts if you're not careful.

"it's been an emphasis"
"inside concepts"
"finish these runs"
"get to the second level, sometimes the THIRD level!"
"the Auburn football team"
"just another drive concept"
"deeper more intermediate dig"

9/2, Troy at Boise State

Mike Couzens pxp
John Congemi cc

"he has great poise"

Honestly, EVERYONE "wins" in the Dollar General Bowl.

"sets the edge"
"pin their ears back"  


First one of new season - 7:22 first quarter

"physical at the point of attack"
"edge pressure"
"just about to the sticks"
"getting him north and south"
"possess the football"
"4th and medium"
"lock down corner"

9/2, Albany-Old Dominion
ODU Sports Radio Network/espn3.com

"Monarch Nation"
"Great Dane Nation"
"a legitimate chip on their shoulder" - 2
"flying to the ball"
"his heart's going pitter pat"
"razzle dazzle"
"that throw you out of kilter and off schedule"
"playing second fiddle"
"all-everything running back"
"that was a trunk job"
"lower the boom on him"

9/4, Tennessee vs. Ga Tech at new Falcons' stadium, which replaced the old Falcons' stadium, which was fine and didn't need replacing, which replaced Fulton County Stadium, where Jerry Glanville lived (speculation).

Rece Davis/Kirk Herbstreit - espn

"losing to a directional school"
"game speed"
"discipline to execute your assignment for 60 minutes"
"the landscape of the SEC"
"assignment football" - 2
"staying on your keys"
"low center of gravity"
"dual threat"
"pure pass rusher"
"that'll flip field position"
"Vol nation"
"SEC country"
"a vintage Paul Johnson drive"
"he's changed the culture"
"Big Orange" - 2
"bleed the clock"
"gut check"

Sep 2, 2017

Wednesdays at 8 pm

Aug 27, 2017

Football phrases

Rice-Stanford - 8/26/17

"hat on a hat" - said three times
"put a hat on him"
"keep those chains moving"
"a power 5 school"
"the bread and butter of this offensive attack"
"move the sticks" (2)
"plus territory" (2)
"great execution at the point of attack"
"wheel route" (2)
"stayed disciplined"

Apr 13, 2017

Shimples Awards Night

The Shimples Hall of Fame induction ceremony & postseason award show is scheduled for April 19!

* 2017 HOF inductees

- Player's wing: Harriet Wayne, Vito Shelby
- Mascot wing: Noodles IV
- Special contribution award: onion rings vendor Kenneth Welch

* Awards to be given out:

* Coach with worst breath
* Longest ear hair
* Bloodiest elbow
* Chicken nugget toes award
* Loudest spouse
* Largest forehead
* Longest pinch
* Deepest pinch
* Not invited next year

Come join us Wednesday from 7:00 p.m.-10:00 p.m. at the Kaynesport Banquet Hall - 560 Piso Street, SE Kaynesport

Mar 30, 2017


Letters to the edgar

The first of all, in case of the stolen dime inn? I did a doodle notathing. Check the guessless on chewed 10th: you've glopped the wrong Kyle, you plumbers. I’m a Shane since birth and likely more.

Asking my nextstore namer, Ferris, his nieces knees aren't a bees and he of known my wheelbarrow abouts. I was a home, sleep on a cow. 

And asecondary, I would a never been voting for these gassers. I her they eat running turf and don't even wash their dungers or jogging straps.

Until, you're a bee hearing,

Mar 17, 2017

Recent additions to "basketball phrases"

"Teachable moments"
"International flavor"
"Rebounding by committee"
"That's a big mental health basket"
"Resumed basketball activities" 
"Hard hedges"
"Straddling the bubble"
"From bonus land" 

Mar 14, 2017

Kerwin Daniels Memorial League

2017 KDML division alignment

Zugdner Conference

Middle South Division

Wade Blong
Von Apier
Dwayne Valley

Pac-West Divison

Rico Yetz
Krezz City

Center Division

Poog Cronin
Bo Hunes
Shouse Family
Eddie Aguayo


The Horace
P.J. Blend

Keekitch Conference


Amanda County
San bleev
San deep
Percy West
The Gwels

Upper Coast

Bobby City
Jay Yonkton
Oz Yorlap
Glerr Forest

Deep South

South Bethany
Todd Kross

The Lower Valley

Aogi Sims
Weem County
OJ Kleef
Tito Blue

Regular season begins: April 20
All-Star break: August 2
Trade deadline: August 22
End of regular season: October 8
Playoffs begin: October 10
Championship series begins: November 8

Front office

League commisioner - Kirby Perr

President - Wyatt Velonch

Dance team: The Debbies

Feb 25, 2017


Ron Christopher Stadium - Wingate, NC. Wingate University

Feb 12, 2017

College softball gallery

No. 1 Oklahoma vs. No. 2 Auburn, February 11
BYU vs. Nebraska, Febuary 9

Photography by Bob Nerwin

Jan 17, 2017

NEN bracket released

The bracket for the 2017 Napkin Eating Nationals has been released. Eight regional winners, including defending national champion and No. 3 seed Pablo Yaz, will compete in the single-elimination event beginning with quarterfinal match ups on February 4.

Committee chairman Darren Drew declined an interview, but did throw several cherries.

Jan 1, 2017

Lyelson Eats Most Aardvarks

History was made in Malik County early Sunday morning as Warren Lyleson became the oldest champion at Aardvark Eating Contest Nationals. Lyleson, 53, had been eating aardvarks competitively for just 16 months before stunning the crowd of guys named Steve with a North American-record 11 A.C.2.H. (aardvarks consumed in two hours), which clinched the Denny Cup.

"I was stunned," said Steve Klein, who looked more stunned than Steve Leonard.

"I'm stunned you would write that," added Steve Leonard.

Lyleson, who Tuesday was playing for the Make A Wish With Someone Else's Birthday Cake Foundation, moves on to the international competition June 7-11. He'll compete against three-time world champion Liu Ting Yi, and radio contest winner Wendy Marsden, who last month guessed correctly ‘Beto and the Fairlanes’.

Lyleson's trainer - a poster board containing the lyrics to ‘Eye of the Tiger’ - was unavailable for comment.