Dec 28, 2017

Online dating profile

Own a 2005 Toyota Corolla

* Less than 135,000 miles

Knowing exactly when the lady at China Buffet is going to drop a new tray of teriyaki chicken

Missouri Valley Conference softball trivia

movies - Teen Wolf Too

Hearing someone say how they could never do without their morning coffee; someone immediately agreeing; my car doors


picking out my outfit for Saturday night

you LOVE the San Jose Sharks

Dec 26, 2017

Hosticle Fifer

There was a joe
(in the city of Fred Snow)

who while in her canoe
would change channoes,
of her favored pig chair shows,
with her noses and toes.

Her name was Hosticle Fifer.

Hosticle lived
up the riv
from nurses Viv & Aunt Niv
and the Irwins,
so she never had hanging time for a wifer.

She had found a young
soup ladel once,
in the forest,
Miss Horace,
but Hosticle's soups sent her packin' -

she had too many warts on her heels
(and her hears)

and twice the many hairs on her backin!

Dec 24, 2017

An evening of football phrases

Houston-Fresno State in the Hawaii Bowl, Chris Cotter & Rod Gilmore on the call for ESPN:


"described as a lunch pail guy"
"that defense bows up"
"putting the ball on the carpet"
"Hokit is running with abandon right now!"
"Xs and Os"


"we talk about a guy who brings everything to the package" (pardon?)

On Houston's Ed Oliver:

"relentless motor"
"Fresno State coaches love his motor"
"we told you about his motor!"

"royalty in that DNA"
"timeout in your back pocket"
"throwing into the teeth of an eight-man coverage"
"a little buzz, a little action out of his team...a little tempo"

Dec 23, 2017

Basketball phrase diary, part 3

Games played from 12/3 - 12/23

Dayton-Mississippi State, 12/3, SEC Network

"inside presence" (4)
"point of emphasis"
"dual threat"
"triple threat"
"teeth of the defense" (4)
"active hands"
"he's got some hops"
"a little chunk dunk" (?)

Montana State-Central Michigan, 12/5,

"same page defense"
"bringing the juice for the Chips"
"they can not find any mojo"
"tough sledding"
"perimeter close outs"
"run out"
"target on their back"
"international flavor"

Southern Utah-Michigan State, 12/9 Big 10 Network

Kevin Kugler (pxp), Shon Morris (cc)

"a grinder game"
"stay on the floor in crunch situations"
"coach's son"
"showing some gumption"
"that was a Prius taking on an SUV"


"he's our microwave guy, he can heat up in a hurry"
"they can run not just bodies, but quality bodies"
"a plethora of front line bulk"
"court savvy"
"that's a basketball move" (5)

Wichita State-Oklahoma State, 12/9, ESPN

"token pressure"
"quick hops ability"
"I love his grit and savvy"
"searching for an identity offensively"

Western Kentucky-Ohio, 12/10,

"game shape"
"that was a man-sized collection of that board"


"a little tear drop"
"sense of urgency"
"ready to square and launch"

Sacred Heart-Hartford, 12/11,

"stick a rhythm pull up"
"tight whistle"
"small ball lineup"
"they're gonna have to gang rebound" (3)
"you call that rim running" (3)
"the bank is open, after hours, in Hartford!"


"skill set"
"heat check"
"true point guard"
"enthusiastic basketball"

Philadelphia-Minnesota, 12/12, ESPN

"post touches" (4)
"winning culture"
"the Philadelphia blogosphere"
"they're long"
"they need an infusion of a bench"
"energy play"
"euro step"

Cincinnati Christian women-Wright State, 12/14,

"scorer's mentality"
"well-oiled machine"
"a nose for the ball"
"they're getting points out of their offense"


Charlotte-Houston, 12/13, ESPN

"a proven guy in this league"
"skids of adversity"
"blow by" (2)
"iso ball"

Mark Jones Specials

"eight seconds or less offense on steroids"
"stopped on a dime and didn't leave Walker any change"

Georgia State-Dayton, 12/16, A10 Network

"basketball in the DNA in this community"
"poetry in motion for big guys"
"doing the grunt work"
"get down, get fundamental!"
"a whale of a basketball game"
"senior leadership"
"basketball 101"
"free basketball"

Georgia Tech-Georgia, 12/19, ESPN2

"it deviated from the consistency in his program"
"hang their hat defensively"
"valuing the basketball"
"cleans up the loose change"
"he gets downhill on you"
"a will to win"
"he's a grinder"
"RPI killers"
"surveying the defense"
"just a nice rip through"

Elon-Canisius, 12/19,

"use it or lose it time out"
"good floor game"
"this is a weight room half"
"floor leader"
"a push ahead"
"take that leadership role"

Southern Miss-Florida State, 12/21, ACC Network

"a david and goliath type of situation"
"great xs and os coach"
"been around the basketball block"
"a silent assassin"
"instant offense"
"those are bad habit plays"
"championship basketball clubs"
"heady play"
"clicking on high cylinders"


"the Wilkes family basketball tree"
"ACC gauntlet"

Dallas-Atlanta, 12/23, Fox Sports South

"nice to see the bounce in the step"/"what bounce this young man has"
"getting their legs out under them"
"rhythm three"
"attack mode"
"rise and fire"
"let the game come to you"
"he is gritty"

Dec 21, 2017

Last-minute gift ideas

Adrian Crawford!

That's the name of the ACC Network announcer who said the word "basketball" more than any other in the history of us writing down how many times people say the word "basketball".

In Florida State's 98-45 rout of Southern Miss Thursday afternoon, Crawford said it 70 times. That's 29 more than Steve Smith in his memorable, March, 2015 performance (though only Smith's second half was tallied that evening).

Here's a breakdown on Crawford's big day:

First half: said 37 times
Average/game minute: 1.8

Second: 33
Average/game minute: 1.6


"this basketball club" (said 12 times)
"been around the basketball block"
"a man to man basketball club"
"that is what championship basketball clubs do" (2)
"making really good basketball plays"
"the Wilkes family basketball tree"

Dec 13, 2017

New hires - December, 2017

Other hirings

Wayne intern: Wayne Sawgrass
Goldfish names, Q-U: Oyoyo Coles
Ice cube futures: Junior A. Sherman

ILTCSC staff

Dec 4, 2017

Basketball phrase diary, part 2

Games played from 11/19 - 12/1

Temple-Clemson, 11/19, ESPN2

"match up nightmare"
"probing the defense"
"chip on their shoulder"

Farmingdale State women-Stony Brook, 11/22,

"tired legs" (5)
"a take charge player"
"building the culture"
"dribble drive" - 4:50 left in the third quarter
"take the air out of the ball"
"leak out"

VCU women-Georgia State, 11/24,

"keep a pulse on this game"
"rebounding specialist"
"sense of urgency"
"she's a gamer"
"the ref might've wanted to suck on that whistle a little longer"
"a lid has been put on the rim" (2)
"a nose for the ball"
"high percentage shots"

San Diego-Grand Canyon, 11/25, GCU TV

Barry Buetel & Scott Williams:

"stat sheet stuffer"
"holiday hangover"/"post-turkey hangover"
"he had a mouse down low and put him in the torture chamber!"
"hostile environment"
"house of havoc" (2)
"euro step" (2)
"albatross-like wing span"
"Josh Braun doing Josh Braun things"
"he's got hall of game hands"
"a one-man wrecking ball"
"tough sledding"
"I like the way this kid has brought his hard hat and his lunch pail"
"playing with a ton of moxie"

Alabama State-Cincinnati, 11/27, ESPNU

"he's next level"
"the face of this program"
"instant offense"
"D up"
"court awareness"
"spicy shooter"
"the Mick Cronin era"
"it's a block party here in northern Kentucky!"
"under the radar"

Tennessee Tech women-Georgia, 11/27, SEC Network

"she's a child of the SEC"
"she wants to see growth on her team in a maturity perspective"


"quality minutes"
"dribble penetration"
"post touches"
"letting the game come to her"

Notre Dame women-Michigan, 11/29, Big 10 Network

"high IQ freshman"
"you've got to find a body"
"a big feather in the cap"
"she's that key cog"
"mini rim run" - 5:56 left in the second quarter
"we've got some cold blooded shooters out here, hunting down shots and executing!"
"here come the Irish via Ogunbowale Alley!"
"help the helper"
"Princeton offense"
"the variety of her weaponry"

North Carolina-Davidson, 12/1, ESPN2

"the first big down the floor usually eats"
"skill set" (2)
"you can't measure what was in his heart"
"smooth operator"
"hybrid forward"
"the Swiss army knife for the Tar Heels"
"ball don't lie"

Dec 1, 2017


Kerwin Daniels

Experience: photographer, Has Anyone Seen My Shoe (; director's assistant on set of the movie Grape Jelly Stain of a Salesman
Diet: rabbi-te (only eats rabbits sat on by a rabbi)

Nov 23, 2017

Mike Francesa

"Do I think I could manage the Yankees. Sure. Do I think I will get a chance to manage the Yankees? I would love to try, but they wouldn't let me." - MF

Things I would endorse for Yankees' manager before Mike Francesa:

1. (point to a pile of leaves)
2. a drawing of Billy Martin
3. 344,916 people selected randomly out of a phone book
4. 56,558 others
5. "the Mad Dog"
6. 7,300 others
7. Terry Collins
8. the guy who showed me to the elevators that led to the south parking garage
9. (point at first man I see) what about him?!
10. cup of mushroom barley
11. 400 others in the Denver metropolitan area
12-14. Bobby Valentine
15. (point at first woman I see) what about her?!
16. George Steinbrenner's smartest great-great grandchild's pet
17. a dab of yellow mustard
18. any guy I meet named Keith

Nov 17, 2017

Basketball phrases 2017-2018 tour diary

Basketball season is underway, so it's time we also move over to the hardwood & continue our sports phrase diaries.

Here's part 1 from games played between November 1 - November 16

Philadelphia-Atlanta, 11/1, Fox Sports Southeast

"broadcaster's jinx"
"defending by committee" (2)
"the engine that drives this Hawks team"
"youth will be served"

Carver College-Georgia State, 11/10,

"chip on their shoulder"
"floor vision"
"basketball IQ" (2)
"heat check"
"he's a coach's son" (2)

Loyola Marymount-UT Arlington, 11/11,

"very athletic big"
"physicality on the boards"
"got down and got a floor burner or two"
"the complete glue for UTA"
"post depth"
"the Mavericks have scaled the mountain!"
"they're long....and they're not just long, their fresh!"
"both teams have tightened the screws"
"very heady"
"ice in the veins"


our first of the season - :16 to go in the second half

Howard-Indiana, 11/12, Big 10 Network

"the pressure cooker that is the Indiana Hoosiers"
"integral cog in the attack"
"rise and fire"
"he's got a lot of city in his game"
"Bob Hurley at St. Anthony's" (2)
"tear drop" (2)
"volume shooters"
"court vision"
"and now a teaching moment"
"on NBA scouts' radar"
"hoops hotbed"
"old school"
"tremendous upside"
"the Butler way"

NC Central-Evansville, 11/13,

"it's brunch basketball in the Crescent City"
"hoop and harm" (2)
"played overseas"
"shot prowess"
"basketball IQ between the ears"
"dribble drive" (3)


our first of the season, 6:28 left in second half

Rhode Island-Nevada, 11/13, ESPNU

"spin cycle"
"energy in the building"
"that's KYP, know your personnel"
"isos"/"isolation ball"
"play within yourself"
"that's a really good basketball play"
"they're body hunting"

Montana-Penn State, 11/15, Big 10 Network

"point of emphasis" (3)
"shot blocking presence" (5)

Auburn-Indiana State, 11/16, ESPNU

"power 5 schools"
"bodying up"
"the pick and pop" (2)
"this team has the green light...neon green"
"survive and advance"
"feast week is upon us" (6)
"that's an NBA body" (2)
"in Hoosierland"
"fundamental basketball"
"that's Sycamore basketball"

Appalachian State-Iowa State, 11/16, ESPNU

"he's a shot seeker"
"face of the program"
"incredible upside"
"he's a Toronto Raptor baby"
"stretch four"
"floor burns"/"if you go by skin burns"
"post presence" (3)
"basketball hot spot"
"a high IQ transition play"
"fabric of your program and your culture"
"hard hedge"
"he's long at the rim"

Nov 11, 2017

Football phrase diary, part 6

Games played from 10/30 - 11/11

Denver-Kansas City, 10/30, ESPN

"Denver jumped into their NASCAR package"
"in traffic"
"hard count" (2)
"like a coach on the field"
"bunch formation" (2)
"a nose for the ball"
"directional kicking"
"hybrid safety"
"edge rushers"
"two minute offense" (2)
"dime package"
"run the rock"
"ball skills"
"effort plays"
"showcases after the ball skills"
"high motor"
"circus catch"
"a glum John Elway"
"what a grinder"

Ohio-Miami (Ohio), 10/31, ESPNU

"dual threat guy"
"feast or famine"
"Frank Solichesque"
"circus catch"
"he leaps out of the stadium and plucks that ball out of the night sky"
"tackle in open space"
"tough sledding"
"four down territory"
"slant window"
"stack the box"
"inching their way closer to pay dirt"

Oklahoma-Oklahoma State, 11/4, Fox Sports 1

"zone concept"
"it's a schematic issue"
"skinny post"
"quality route runner"
"five star recruit"
"bedlam" (13)
"they have a no-flinch mentality"
"helmet to helmet contact"
"the legend of Baker Mayfield"

Michigan-Minnesota, 11/4, Fox Sports 1

"by the nose of the football"
"play power football downhill"
"eye discipline"
"run conflict situation"
"ball hawking"

BYU-Fresno State, 11/4, ESPN

Roy Phillpott and Tom Ramsey on the call:

"the two deep"
"a mash unit"
"pick six"
"McMaryion has been the conductor in the Bulldogs' orchestra"


"plus territory"
"the cream of the crop of the Mountain West Conference"
"touchdown saving tackle"
"an extra set of eyes"
"prescribed route"
"that's good body position"

Miami Ohio-Akron, 11/7, ESPN2

"move the chains" (2)
"this guy's got moxie"
"laundry on the field"
"Akron trying to bow down"
"a sideline to sideline kind of guy"

Georgia State-Texas State, 11/11, CSN

"route design"
"overcome adversity"
"showing physicality"
"out of the shadow of their own goal line"
"trickeration" (2)
"taking it to the house"
"gap containment"
"the film room"
"and Mr. Ripley, believe it or not, is on to punt it away"


"internal clock"
"manage the clock"
"the clock is your enemy" (2)

"a next level guy"
"the Andy Reid school of burning timeouts"
"a whale of a ballgame"
"move the sticks" (7)
"victory formation"

Nov 6, 2017

Top 5 Mondays

Our first Top 5 Monday takes us to West Point and the Army mens basketball team. The Black Knights haven't had much of a history on the hardwood - no NCAA Tournament appearances and 20+ wins in just four of their 115+ seasons - but the school has produced some great coach names.

That's the subject of this week's top 5.

5. Dino Gaudio. Gaudio started his three-school coaching career at Army and won just half of his 72 games from 1993-97, including a pair of 20-loss seasons. 

* Went 3-0 against Division III Hobart

4. Valentine Lentz. Coached from 1939-44 with two winning seasons (11-4 and 10-6) and two losing ones (5-11 and 5-10). Forward Dale Hall was a second-team All-American under Lentz in 1944.


Went 2-6 against Georges (Georgetown, George Washington) and named George Rebh one of the captains for the '43 season.

3. Orvis Sigler. Spent four seasons (1954-58) on the sidelines, compiling a 39-47 record. Sigler's best year - 13-12 in 1957-58 - was his last before moving on to coach nine seasons at Centenary. Only coach Orvis in Division 1 history, though not the only Orvis: guard Heath Orvis played in 17 games and averaged 1.6 points for St. John's in 1999-00.


Went 0-2 against George Washington

2. Elmer Ripley. Elmer coached six schools from 1927-1953, finishing up with a two-year stint at West Point where he compiled a 19-17 record. Looking over Ripley's career, which concluded with a Hall of Fame nod, I'm not sure any coach, and certainly not any other Elmers, could provide a resume such as this: Army, the Harlem Globetrotters, Georgetown, Notre Dame, the Israeli Olympic Team & the Canadian Olympic Team.

Other coaching Elmers, Division 1 history

Elmer Gross, 1949-54, Penn State. Was 80-40 in five years with the Nittany Lions, making the Final Four and losing to eventual NCAA champion LaSalle in the national semifinals in his final season. 

Elmer Capshaw, 1921-22, Colorado School of Mines. Went 8-2 in his only season.

Elmer Mitchell, 1917-19, Michigan. Second coach in the program's history (and first to coach a varsity team), went 18-6 in his two seasons.

Elmer Hoefer, 1909, Wyoming. The Cowboys went 3-3 under Hoefer.

Elmer Holm, 1933-36, Washburn. The Washburn Ichabods (!) won seven games in each of Holm's three seasons.

Elmer Lampe, 1938-46, 46-47, Georgia; Dartmouth 1946-47, 47-50. According to College Basketball Reference, Lampe somehow coached at both Georgia and Dartmouth during the 1946-47 season, which makes him by far the most talented Elmer in college basketball history.

1. Ernest Blood. A Naismith Hall of Famer for his legendary teams at Passaic (NJ) High School and his overall high school career, Blood coached just one season at West Point, going 11-6 during the 1925-26 season. Also, his nickname was "Pop". Ernest Pop Blood! That's our No. 1.


Went 1-0 against Georgetown

Oct 29, 2017

Football phrases diary, part 5

Games played from 10/23 - 10/28

Washington-Philadelphia, 10/23, ESPN

"a great motor and a great get-off"
"that's right down Broad Street"/"the bullies from Broad Street"
"burst route"
"gut pressure"/"gut check"
"Cinderella story"
"he's North Dakota tough" (2)


"two minute drill"
"natural route runner"
"got their sea legs under them"
"fresh as daisies"
"he comes from a football family"
"selling out for his football team"
"the medical evaluation tent"

South Alabama-Georgia State, 10/26, ESPNU

"1-2 punch"
"stable of backs"
"a bend but don't break outfit"
"getting beat like a drum"
"concussion protocol"
"football math"
"head on a swivel"
"flip the field"
"at times he throws perfect dimes"
"they're a football family"
"rugby-style punter"
"ready to lay some lumber"
"big body type"
"go routes"
"50-50 balls"
"cat and mouse game"
"their M-O is bend but don't break"
"they got hit in the mouth"
"four down territory" (2)
"coverage sack"
"scissors route"

Stanford-Oregon State, 10/26, ESPN

"they gave up some significant real estate"/"they have lost significant real estate"
"stretch the field vertically"
"he got trucked"
"right in his hip pocket" (2)
"double cadence"
"a time out in your pocket"

Florida State-Boston College, 10/27, ESPN

Mack Brown! Welcome to the diary.

"heavyweight fight"
"we're talking about a field position game"
"hidden yards" (2)
"Chestnut Hill" (2)/"people have been restless in Chestnut Hill"
"every hat is in the right place"
"it's gap control" (2)
"plus territory" (4)
"boots and nakeds"
"move the chains going north and south"
"body language on the south boundary"
"he just pancaked the guy"
"this is rare air"
"right at the sticks"
"keep our foot on the gas"
"the tutelage of Paul Pasqualoni"
"football is a game of attrition"

Nebraska-Iowa, 10/28 Fox Sports 1

"the heartbeat of this Minnesota defense"
"steps into a clean pocket" (2)
"seize the opportunity"
"utilize a little pump action"
"jet sweep action" (3)
"boot action"/"Nate Stanley booting"
"grind some clock"

Mississippi State-Texas A&M, 10/28, ESPN

"tip drill"
"Ford tried to lower his hat"
"chunks of yardage"
"play recognition"
"play fast"
"home of the 12th man"

New Mexico-Wyoming, 10/28, ESPNU

"roll the pocket" (2)
"it's a powder puff cupcake schedule"
"draft stock"
"loaded the box" (3)
"quick strike"
"between the hashmarks"
"in search of their identity" (3)
"the Pokes" (2)
"they'll show the power 1"
"went the junior college route"

Oct 25, 2017

Basketball phrases!

Memphis at Dallas, 10/25, Fox Sports Southeast

Excellent night for the broadcast team of Pete Pranica and Brevin Knight.


"the Grizzlies wrap up their Texas two step"/"the Big D" (2)
"defensively is where we're buttering our bread"
"that's been his stock and trade"
"attack mode"
"sense of urgency"
"bully basketball"
"dribble drive"

! - first one of the night/season, 8:03 left in the second quarter

"situational basketball"
"an Xs and Os situation"
"textbook defense"
"finish through contact"
"extend the chicken wing"
"a kiss off the windowpane"
"the Beale Street Bears"
"fourth quarter wizard"

Oct 21, 2017

Football phrases diary, part 4

Games played from 10/13 - 10/22

California-Washington State, 10/13, ESPN

"near the sticks"
"paid dividends"
"pick six"
"chunk plays"
"Pac 12 after dark" (3)

Ohio State-Nebraska, 10/14, Fox Sports 1

"puts on the after burners"
"keeps the chains moving"
"from the shadow of their own end zone"

Georgia State-Louisiana Monroe, 10/14,

"on all cylinders" (2)
"amp it up"
"the RPO area of their offense" (2)
"a jack of all trades"
"that has been the bugaboo"

"pre-snap read"
"they're very vanilla on defense"
"turf toe"

Our first turf toe of the season!

"he moves chains"
"the bubble set up"
"third and manageable"

Louisiana-Arkansas State, 10/19, ESPNU

"vocal leader"
"these two camps describe this rivalry as 'healthy hatred'"
"50-50 balls"
"double digit gallop"
"lowered the pads"
"wall of blockers"
"ran out of gas"
"razzle dazzle"
"plus territory"
"we're still more than a week away from Halloween, but the bag of tricks for the Redwolves!"

Memphis-Houston, 10/19, ESPN

Color commentator Andre Ware:

"quarterback pitch man relationship"
"hybrid linebacker-defensive end"
"third and medium"

Third And rankings
[updated Oct. 19, 2017]

1 - Third and manageable
2 - Third and forever
3 - Third and California
4 - Third and medium

"chomping at the bit"
"getting a receiver in space"
"they mash the gas"

bumper sticker:

"fleet of foot"
"that's just film study"

Idaho-Missouri, 10/21, SEC Network

"it has to be a building block game"
"clean pocket"
"they've leaked points"
"Mel Kiper's draft board"
"flip the field"
"hybrid linebacker"
"throwing under duress"

Atlanta-New England, 10/22, NBC

"there's Belichick's number two pencil, sharpened"
"a slot player"/"pure slot player"
"power football"
"run stuffer extraordinaire"
"win a finesse game"

Oct 18, 2017

Draft analysis

2017 draft - 1st round

1 - Portland. Elliot Torkelson, Maglio Technical Institute. Torkelson's breath held under mustard set the combine-record (17 minutes, 23 seconds).

2 - Huntsberry. Illio Olladiaye (EEL-EE-O  OLL-UH-DEE-A), no college. Huntsberry takes a gamble with the native of the Woozz Jungle as Olladiaye was a hippopotamus from 1994-2015. To improve his draft stock, had his ears surgically removed and replaced with potato chips.

3 - Sork Valley. Qwan Attley Jr., Queh College and Raisin Bar. Expansion Watersquirrels take the youngest player in the draft, Attley, a third-generation piece of sandpaper. Signability is an issue as agent, pecan, said Attley wouldn’t sign “for anything less than 13 grade school children’s drawings of tomatoes”.

4 - British Columbia. Miles Lemmick, Pepano University. A surprise pick by the Skypencils, who were reportedly looking to forfeit the pick and instead have front office personnel share a bowl of owner Horace Grunfield’s wife Maureen’s beef stew. Lemmick made a name for himself when on the final day of the combine bathed in gravel.

5 - Jasper County. Ewing Zeeble, Vweetley University. As a senior at Vweetley, Zeeble set national records, including most beard hair eaten (1.3 pounds) and purplest bruise thigh or below.

6 - Tallahassee. Ollie, Schlofko University. Scout: “Carries enough goldfish in his socks to make an impact right away, but if it comes down to late-game situations, will he be able to shake off the ’15 national title match loss when he put his fish, Juwon, in his ear?”

7 - San Antonio. Ross Oberman, Poog Cronin College Online. The Ceilingdragons take Oberman, who was last seen in March propositioning with an oak tree for a ride to the airport. While at PCCO, Oberman spent a conference-record 13 consecutive days living in a washing machine.

8 - Lewisville. Hakeem Ernack, Queh College and Raisin Factory. The second Queh College graduate selected, Ernack is expected to compete for one of Lewisville’s vacant leaf pointer positions. Had all 10 of his fingers surgically removed and replaced by green beans as a Christmas present to his former wife, pillow (December, 2006).

Oct 8, 2017

Football phrases, running diary part 3

Games played from 9/29 - 10/7

Nebraska-Illinois, 9/29, FS1

"walk off under his own power"
"speed rush"
"bubble screen"
"eyes to the tuck"


"scoop and score"
"that's a make your quarterback look good moment"
"trying to overwhelm Illinois, like waves on a beach - over and over again until they break"


"gang tackled"
"power football"
"wheelhouse" (2)

USC-Washington State, 9/29, ESPN

"USC, are they battle-tested, or battle-scarred?"
"the 'it' factor"
"fresh legs"

Our first 'fresh legs' of the season!

"that's all want-to and willpower"
"prototypical NFL pocket passer"
"violent hands"
"plus territory" (2)
"he's very cerebral"
"un-Mike Leachesque"

Again -

"un-Mike Leachesque"

Clemson-Virginia Tech, 9/30, ABC

"stem the tide"
"the linebackers are trying to eat tonight too"
"ball hawking safety"

Indianapolis-Seattle, 10/1, NBC

"the 12th man" (3)
"the legion of boom"

Washington-Kansas City, 10/2, ESPN

Hello again, Jon Gruden:

"edge player"
"this Hogs 2.0 outfit"
"situational awareness"

This phrase is 100% nonsense.

"the Toledo Rocket rockin' the NFL!"
"bells and whistles"
"he's been selling chemistry"

I was a boy scout for a couple years, and once a year we'd go around to houses and try to sell items from this giant suitcase to make money for the troup. One of those items was a chemistry set.

THAT'S selling chemistry.

"hard count"
"they bring juice on the opposite side"

Boise State-BYU, 10/6, ESPN

"I love this guy as a football player"
"extremely high football IQ"
"dragged down in space"

Minnesota-Purdue, 10/7, ESPN

Welcome to the Kelly Stouffer Hour, sponsored by Nonsense

"ball hawks"
"continuity up front"
"chip on their shoulder"
"big body tight end "(2)
"splash plays"
"gadget plays"
"RPO - run, pass option"
"multiple personnel groupings"
"hard count"
"pre-snap intel"
"third and forever"
"legacy Boilermaker"
"he's a game manager"

Fresno State-San Jose State, 10/7, ESPN

"rivalries are just what they are: rivalries"

You can say that about absolutely everything, commentator Forrest Conoly. Look:

Cupcakes are just what they are: cupcakes.
Train schedules are just what they are: train schedules.

"handed the keys to the offense"
"a team that plays through the whistle"

Western Illinois-Northern Iowa, 10/7, Panther Sports Network

"bend but don't break"
"a fresh set of sticks"
"pocket awareness"
"change of pace back"

Michigan State-Michigan, 10/7, ABC

"legacy game"
"move the sticks"
"in the trenches"
"exotic pressure"
"the Paul Bunyan Trophy"

San Diego State-UNLV, 10/7, ESPN

"he's going to have to grow up fast in a hurry"


Rest of San Diego State-UNLV game

"student of the game"
"play the sticks"
"hat on a hat"
"old school power back"
"Big 12 flag bearer"
"throwing window"

Previous diaries


Oct 4, 2017

All 7!

This is from article on the AL Wild Card Game October 3:

Sep 24, 2017

Football phrases running diary, part 2

Games played from 9/16-9/23

Rice at Houston, 9/16, ESPN

"he plays at pad level"
"get them in space"/"get them on an island"
"going through his progressions"
"moving the chains"

Mississippi State at Georgia, 9/23, ESPN

"tackle box"
"big body receiver"

Houston Baptist at McNeese State, 9/23, FOX

"you have to play four quarters" (said four times)
"second and a mile"
"pick six" (4)
"highlight reel catch"
"shift of momentum"
"Johnny on the spot"

Oklahoma at Baylor, 9/23, FOX

"not necessarily bad blood, but familiar blood...recruiting blood"


"matching some physicality"
"home run threat"
"carry the mail"

Sep 22, 2017


There once was a man called Carew
who lost one or more of his shoes;
he's been barefoot since then
for all toes up to ten
which has left his pedicurist quite blue.

Sep 13, 2017

Joe Flacco released

Flacco's Team officially released Joe Flacco Wednesday morning, just days after the Baltimore quarterback threw for 121 yards in an opening day win over Cincinnati.

With Tampa Bay quarterback Jameis Winston returning for week two, Flacco no longer had a starting position.

"We appreciate everything Joe gave us during his time in the organization - the more-than 120 passing yards, everything. He'll be truly missed," said interim GM Pepe Tiggs. "Of course, he'll have to return his snow pants and reimburse the organization for that haircut."

Flacco's week one performance, which included a four-yard pass to Terrance West in the first quarter, helped Flacco's Team defeat Nigel Snodgrass, a team made up of several Australian emus and four boxes of romaine lettuce, 82.54 to 68.66.

The team, which for the remainder of the season will wear taco shells on their uniforms to honor their former teammate, will now be called The Danny Amendolas.

"I think it's the right decision. I really do," said Danny Amendola impersonator Morris Fleck.

Sep 5, 2017

Football Phrases 2017 tour - running diary part 1

Games played from 9/1 - 9/4/17

Wisconsin vs. Utah State - espn, 9/1/17
10:09 pm

"smash mouth football"


First of year! 2nd quarter, 5:45 mark.

The football season hasn't truly begun until we get our first.

"they've had a bad taste in their mouth"
"change the trajectory of their program"
"if it's third down, I'm going to this cat!"
"a passing posture"
"are you cashing in with six?"
"big boy football"
"when Ohio State rolls their sleeves up"
"let's play Badger football"
"talk to me about the trenches"/
"not enough people are talking about the trenches"
"impose their will"

Auburn-Georgia Southern, 9/2, sec network

"mixing up the run schemes"
"directing traffic"
"shots down the field"
"speed kills"

Commercial break:

Look, SEC, we get it - your conference exists. Can we relax just a little bit?

They'll slap the SEC logo on your undershorts if you're not careful.

"it's been an emphasis"
"inside concepts"
"finish these runs"
"get to the second level, sometimes the THIRD level!"
"the Auburn football team"
"just another drive concept"
"deeper more intermediate dig"

9/2, Troy at Boise State

Mike Couzens pxp
John Congemi cc

"he has great poise"

Honestly, EVERYONE "wins" in the Dollar General Bowl.

"sets the edge"
"pin their ears back"  


First one of new season - 7:22 first quarter

"physical at the point of attack"
"edge pressure"
"just about to the sticks"
"getting him north and south"
"possess the football"
"4th and medium"
"lock down corner"

9/2, Albany-Old Dominion
ODU Sports Radio Network/

"Monarch Nation"
"Great Dane Nation"
"a legitimate chip on their shoulder" - 2
"flying to the ball"
"his heart's going pitter pat"
"razzle dazzle"
"that throw you out of kilter and off schedule"
"playing second fiddle"
"all-everything running back"
"that was a trunk job"
"lower the boom on him"

9/4, Tennessee vs. Ga Tech at new Falcons' stadium, which replaced the old Falcons' stadium, which was fine and didn't need replacing, which replaced Fulton County Stadium, where Jerry Glanville lived (speculation).

Rece Davis/Kirk Herbstreit - espn

"losing to a directional school"
"game speed"
"discipline to execute your assignment for 60 minutes"
"the landscape of the SEC"
"assignment football" - 2
"staying on your keys"
"low center of gravity"
"dual threat"
"pure pass rusher"
"that'll flip field position"
"Vol nation"
"SEC country"
"a vintage Paul Johnson drive"
"he's changed the culture"
"Big Orange" - 2
"bleed the clock"
"gut check"

Sep 2, 2017

Wednesdays at 8 pm

Aug 27, 2017

Football phrases

Rice-Stanford - 8/26/17

"hat on a hat" - said three times
"put a hat on him"
"keep those chains moving"
"a power 5 school"
"the bread and butter of this offensive attack"
"move the sticks" (2)
"plus territory" (2)
"great execution at the point of attack"
"wheel route" (2)
"stayed disciplined"

Apr 13, 2017

Shimples Awards Night

The Shimples Hall of Fame induction ceremony & postseason award show is scheduled for April 19!

* 2017 HOF inductees

- Player's wing: Harriet Wayne, Vito Shelby
- Mascot wing: Noodles IV
- Special contribution award: onion rings vendor Kenneth Welch

* Awards to be given out:

* Coach with worst breath
* Longest ear hair
* Bloodiest elbow
* Chicken nugget toes award
* Loudest spouse
* Largest forehead
* Longest pinch
* Deepest pinch
* Not invited next year

Come join us Wednesday from 7:00 p.m.-10:00 p.m. at the Kaynesport Banquet Hall - 560 Piso Street, SE Kaynesport

Mar 30, 2017


Letters to the edgar

The first of all, in case of the stolen dime inn? I did a doodle notathing. Check the guessless on chewed 10th: you've glopped the wrong Kyle, you plumbers. I’m a Shane since birth and likely more.

Asking my nextstore namer, Ferris, his nieces knees aren't a bees and he of known my wheelbarrow abouts. I was a home, sleep on a cow. 

And asecondary, I would a never been voting for these gassers. I her they eat running turf and don't even wash their dungers or jogging straps.

Until, you're a bee hearing,

Mar 17, 2017

Recent additions to "basketball phrases"

"Teachable moments"
"International flavor"
"Rebounding by committee"
"That's a big mental health basket"
"Resumed basketball activities" 
"Hard hedges"
"Straddling the bubble"
"From bonus land" 

Mar 14, 2017

Kerwin Daniels Memorial League

2017 KDML division alignment

Zugdner Conference

Middle South Division

Wade Blong
Von Apier
Dwayne Valley

Pac-West Divison

Rico Yetz
Krezz City

Center Division

Poog Cronin
Bo Hunes
Shouse Family
Eddie Aguayo


The Horace
P.J. Blend

Keekitch Conference


Amanda County
San bleev
San deep
Percy West
The Gwels

Upper Coast

Bobby City
Jay Yonkton
Oz Yorlap
Glerr Forest

Deep South

South Bethany
Todd Kross

The Lower Valley

Aogi Sims
Weem County
OJ Kleef
Tito Blue

Regular season begins: April 20
All-Star break: August 2
Trade deadline: August 22
End of regular season: October 8
Playoffs begin: October 10
Championship series begins: November 8

Front office

League commisioner - Kirby Perr

President - Wyatt Velonch

Dance team: The Debbies

Feb 12, 2017

College softball gallery

No. 1 Oklahoma vs. No. 2 Auburn, February 11
BYU vs. Nebraska, Febuary 9

Photography by Bob Nerwin

Jan 17, 2017

NEN bracket released

The bracket for the 2017 Napkin Eating Nationals has been released. Eight regional winners, including defending national champion and No. 3 seed Pablo Yaz, will compete in the single-elimination event beginning with quarterfinal match ups on February 4.

Committee chairman Darren Drew declined an interview, but did throw several cherries.

Jan 1, 2017

Lyelson Eats Most Aardvarks

History was made in Malik County early Sunday morning as Warren Lyleson became the oldest champion at Aardvark Eating Contest Nationals. Lyleson, 53, had been eating aardvarks competitively for just 16 months before stunning the crowd of guys named Steve with a North American-record 11 A.C.2.H. (aardvarks consumed in two hours), which clinched the Denny Cup.

"I was stunned," said Steve Klein, who looked more stunned than Steve Leonard.

"I'm stunned you would write that," added Steve Leonard.

Lyleson, who Tuesday was playing for the Make A Wish With Someone Else's Birthday Cake Foundation, moves on to the international competition June 7-11. He'll compete against three-time world champion Liu Ting Yi, and radio contest winner Wendy Marsden, who last month guessed correctly ‘Beto and the Fairlanes’.

Lyleson's trainer - a poster board containing the lyrics to ‘Eye of the Tiger’ - was unavailable for comment.