Dec 16, 2012

Dec 11, 2012

Sep 21, 2012

Limerick

Once lived a big 'ole fat rabbit
who heckled Mr. Abbot in his hammock,
night and day
from August to May
that fat rabbit pestered poor Joe Abbot.

Sep 14, 2012

One-act play

Marvin and Horace
A one-act play

Setting: inside a laundromat, day time.

Horace is climbing out of a washing machine, doesn’t seem fazed by much. Regular day.

Marvin approaches.


Marvin: “Excuse me, but did you just climb out of that washing machine?”

No response…few seconds pass.

M: “What were you doing inside that washing machine?”
Horace: “What were YOU doing OUTSIDE of that washing machine?….you know, people in laundry….houses? shouldn’t throw glassy..drier sheet..stones, goddangit! Sheet-stones!…...”
M (extremely puzzled, but jumps in to offer help): “Here, let me help you get that stocking out of your hair. [while continuing to help] How long had you been in there?”
H: “Whenever she started the second load.”
M: “She?”
H: “My wife…well, my ex-wife. She divorced me while I was inside.”
M: “When did she divorce you?”
H: “[Growing agitated] I don’t know, sometime around the first spin cycle.”
M: “Seems like an odd place to get divorced.”
H: “I should show you where we got married. That reminds me, have you seen a Judge Calhoun? He ran off with my bathing suit during the rinse.”
M: “No. Did she give a reason?”
H: [getting angry] “It’s not even beach weather!”
M: [reaches out, touches H shoulder} “Please. Did she give you a reason?”
H: “I have stains that are just impossible to get out and I can’t be washed with Canadian quarters. [end act] Her words.”
M: “I’m sorry to hear that.”
H: “Don’t be. I met a nice, young lady while I was inside.”
M: [after pause] “You met a nice, young lady while you were inside the washing machine?”
H: [after pause] [hangs head, then lower mumble but audible] “Well, she wasn’t nice…..or young.”
[M takes a second]
M: “you’ve had a tough couple hours, haven’t you?”
H: “Hours? It’s been days. Couldn’t get a pair of khakis clean, so we had to do it until we got it right. Again, her words.”
M: “Well, can I help with anything?”
H: “You can help me get these soap suds out of my ear.”
M: “Sure, let me….”
H: [interrupting] “You know what, I changed my mind. The suds are going to stay.”
[long, awkward pause by both & weird smile on H face]
M: “I have to say, you’re handling this whole thing pretty well.”
H: [looks adoringly] “You had me at ‘those pants look great on you.’”
M: “You’re not wearing any pants.”

(Marvin runs out of laundromat. Scene ends.)

Aug 21, 2012

Lily & Gustavo

There was a young maiden of the Brit,
teeth split and she drank a harmful bit;
the alkey would slide
down her throat open wide
and poor Lily, she just wouldn't quit.

So one day a man called Gustavo,
trollied morningtime to her grotto;
he declared on his face
a stoppage to this waste!
But instead wound up, too, blind and blotto.

Jul 7, 2012

Scavenger Hunt

Sacramento Kings fan in Georgia















Found: July 3, 2012

Jun 25, 2012

Limerick

There was a plump man on a rail
whose pep had retired and set sail;
his orange, plaid pants,
they were chockfull of fire ants
that plump little man we called Dale.

Jun 22, 2012

Food review




















"I'll tell you exactly what we have right here: a quality snack item!"

- Edgardo Mejia

Jun 5, 2012

Autographed Jesus Memorabilia Now Available
















Mini baseball
$45

















Personalized autograph to Stanley
$60


To purchase either item, email derwoodmorris@gmail.com.
More autographed Jesus memorabilia coming soon.

Jun 3, 2012

Limerick

There was an old man whose feet
resembled the rump of a sheep;
he had paid many pounds,
so they'd look like a clown's
and now he has much bigger feet

May 28, 2012

Flying potato spotted














(artist's rendering)

A mysterious flying potato hovered over the Derwood Building Monday, saddening several. After repeated attempts to communicate with the potato, a repeat of those attempts were rescheduled for June 20.

Repeated attempts to repeat this story in other languages on other sites were denied.

May 25, 2012

Recipe

Thumb Salad


- 5 (five) eyelashes
- 2 (two) heads iceberg lettuce
- 1 (one) carrot (orange)
- 40 (forty) thumbs, no nails
- 3 (three) Carls
- 5 (five) cups of child sneezes
- 1 (one) can raccoon paste
- 2 (three) teaspoons margarine
- 4 (four) sheets notebook paper

Start with a large salad bowl. Chop heads of lettuce, slice carrot and put into bowl. Thinly slice thumbs into quarter-inch pieces and add notebook paper, as is, to bowl. Bake Carls in oven at 375 degrees for 10 minutes and in a separate sauce pan, boil raccoon paste and child sneezes. Once Carls are brown on the inside, add a teaspoon of margarine to each belly button. Finally, garnish salad with eyelashes and enjoy.

May 22, 2012

Sad Sam

Sad Sam wore
a dreadful day
on is face:

he had went out
on a boat tour
the night before
with an oar, Elenore
and painted towns green,
even though Down Dean
said "red"
it didn't get pasted
to Sad Sam's head.

May 18, 2012

Winnepo-Jathaway IV Set

Two of the greatest coleslaw fighters of the modern era, Hog Winnepo and Jum Jathaway, have officially scheduled their long-awaited fourth heavyweight fight.

The two will meet in a 15-round bout, June 17 at Feathers Fairgrounds. The winner's share is a CAAEI (Coleslaw Association of America Except Indiana) record $17.50, while the loser will drop to the consolation bracket and entered into an all-you-can-eat gravel competition.


Here is a quick recap of the previous three fights:

March, 1977 - Before the CAAEI officially sanctioned 15-round bouts, Winnepo defeated Jathaway in the 88th round with his now-famous "coleslaw-in-your-ear". The Horace toy corporation issues its Hog Winnepo dolls, but has to pull all toys off the shelves when Terry Noodles, a 33-year old man in Cleveland, Ohio, accidentally ingests the figurine's feet and passes.

December, 1985 - Christmas Eve bout held at the North Pole is a split decision won by Winnepo. He later forfeits the title after a CAAEI-issued test comes up positive for performance-enhancing penguins.

NOTES (January, 1986-to-July, 1999)
* January, 1985 - June, 1994: Winnepo missing/feared dead.
* July, 1994: Winnepo reported dead.
* September, 1994: Winnepo found to be alive. Actual death belonged to former mall Santa Claus Paul Peters.

August, 1999 - An out-of-shape Jathaway eats his way out of the coleslaw pit and escapes arena. He isn't seen again for over 13 years. Winnepo wins by default and nearly overdoses on coleslaw during victory celebration.


- The Ice Cube Museum & Tasting Tour contributed to this story

May 7, 2012

Danny Devito Fan Club letter

Dear Mr. Devito,

I just had my 500th viewing of Throw Momma from the Train, and I had a very clear vision during the laundromat scene. I would like you to consider legally changing your name to Owen Lift. Now, don't get me wrong: you're a perfect Danny Devito; maybe the most perfect Danny Devito who ever lived. But you would be a perfect Owen Lift, too. Think about how much fun it is to say 'Owen'. And think of the perks: Owens Anonymous? Automatic entry. You could be mayor of Owentown (population: you and another guy named Owen) by 2013. The first Owen Lift™-brand elevator? You'd take the maiden voyage. It's the opportunity all Owens/Dannys have been waiting for since the War of Many Owens ended in the early-70s. But don't just take my word for it. Let's see what Randy has to say:

"I told you I didn't want to be interviewed."

- Randy

Danny has already lived a thousand lifetimes. It's time to give Owen the Danny Devito of a lifetime.



Until then,

Robert Feathers, DDFC member 3,458,996

May 6, 2012

Excerpt from interview


Interviewer: What are your plans for the magazine now that you are editor?
Lyle Ozlo: Weekly frowning classes; retreats into the woods, see if anyone gets eaten by anything; and we plan on hiring a few snowmen to keep K.S.C. off our backs.
I: K.S.C.?
L: Keeping Snowmen Cold.
I: I've never heard of that organization.
L: Neither have I.
I: Well, I appreciate your time and good luck.
L: Thank you, now can you get off my lap?

May 3, 2012

Adult league baseball manager email excerpts, part 2

April 24, 2:04 p.m.


"Every single one of us know what this past Sunday felt like. Remember it.. Use it.. We play hard for a full 9 innings, no excuses...we don't need their mercy and we damn sure don't want their freak'n pity. I'll see you on Sunday."

May 2, 2012

Lizard for sale





















$11 or best offer
Maurice  555-9994

Apr 24, 2012

Adult league baseball manager email excerpts, part 1

April 12, 1:34 p.m.

83 degrees and clear on Sunday, drink water, eat breakfast, and come ready to bleed.

April 17, 9:38 a.m.

"We've gone from an 80% chance of rain on Sunday to 0% in 2 days. This is no accident, call it whatever you want but I feel like the Gods want us to beat these guys."
 

April 18, 1:05 p.m.

"Let your game do the talking, but make no mistake...this is not a "friendly". It's time to go to fuckin war."

Mar 23, 2012

Feb 24, 2012

Dumpster off limits



Other warnings:

"Quit trying to drink that puddle water"
"Get down from that chandelier"
"No ostrich allowed in the dugout"

Feb 5, 2012

Super Bowl Picks

Last year, Derwood was right on 19% of his picks and ate six bowls of chili and 17 brown things stuffed with cheese, both Henington family-uninvited-guest records.


National anthem: Forehead (featuring Lil' Shellfish)

Opening kick off: PPD

Over/under corn chips eaten (Southeast region of United States): 680,000

Ken O'Brien: inactive

Playing the percentages:

"Pinning your ears back" - 22%
"Taken to the woodshed" - 31%
Run "between the tackles" - 77%
"Tighten up your bootstraps" - 4%
"Ball recognition" - 9%
"Bow your neck" - .3%
"Playing the field position game" - 62%
"Third and manageable" - .1%

MVP: N/A

Final score: Giants 27, Patriots 20

Feb 3, 2012

Feb 1, 2012

Cigarette prices go up at local gas station



Also for sale:

* Bag of corn chips - $18
* Air fresheners - 3 for $40
* Photographs taken with parking lot oil stains - $24.99

Jan 12, 2012

Billy parks here



Former occupants:

James (2009-2010)
Harvey (2007-2009)
Darren (2004-2007)

[Unoccupied: 1999-2003]

Billy (1997-1998)
James (1987-1996)

Jan 4, 2012

Food Review



"That's just a quality snack item!"

- Staff Reports