April 1, 2016
Bobby Feathers, creator of world-famous workout videos At Least Do One Sit-up and Now We're Blubbersizing!, has developed a new summer training program for the athlete looking to take his/her/ game to the "next level".
Workout: Solo thumb wars - if your left hand is a little weaker than your right, let the left thumb win a few rounds. Builds confidence.
Diet: For breakfast/lunch, scrape a little skin off your finger; dip it in butter. For dinner, watch an Arby's commercial.
Extra-curricular: Seduce a curling iron.
Workout: Sit down(s). Beginners: for safety reasons, please sit down slowly.
Diet: Breakfast/lunch, drink 3 ounces of beef broth. Dinner, call a random number in the phone book and initiate a conversation about cottage cheese.
Extra-curricular: Quick trip to the roof, improvised whistling for 6 seconds
Workout: Daydream about roller skating.
Diet: For breakfast/lunch/dinner, chew on some notebook paper.
Extra-curricular: Massage a beach towel
Workout: Crawl 3 laps around the dining room table. At the end of each lap, scream the name of your 4th grade teacher. Example: "Mrs. Vanderells!!"
Diet: Breakfast/lunch, celery shavings. For dinner, bathe in soy sauce.
Extra-curricular: High-five practice with your cat.
Workout: Knee taps. Do four reps of six knee taps. For beginners: simulated knee tapping.
Diet: For breakfast/lunch, on a piece of paper, write down the name of your favorite fat-free salad dressing. For dinner, insult a plate of bacon.
Extra-curricular: Rehabilitate a dying shampoo bottle.