August 15, 2014

Additions to the ILTCSC glossary

Digcream - to dig through a pot of sour cream in the hopes of finding your car keys
Joorfitz - to have a recurring dream where you marry a postage stamp
Utahoops - mistaking a middle-aged man for a map of the state of Utah

Full glossary

August 10, 2014

Draft analysis

1st overall pick: New Jersey - Rico Yetz Jr., Blum Valley Community College (Oggsbo). Yetz Jr. is hoping to follow in the salamandersteps of his father Rico "Pinch Out" Yetz and become a Derner League All Star as a rookie. He'll join a roster already packed with veteran necktie eating contest competitors. Married a half-mile of pavement on the side of the Neck Glenn Memorial Highway (March, 2012).

No. 2: Edmonton (from San Anchulioh) - Carlo Cline, NACL Idelby Spartans. Cline shot an 82 and an 84 in the Southwest Regional guacamole scoop-and-toss in February, and won achievement awards in 2009, 2010 and 2013 for Most Hair Eaten off of Ronnie McClendon's Head during MHermh's annual luncheons.

No. 3: Unified Team 21-Under - Booboo Biagi, Stanford. Biagi is a fourth-generation paint can pincher and should fit right in at the 6 on a young and exiting Unified Team. Was declared 41% canned beef from 2002-2007, and that number rose to 47% in September, 2010.

No. 4: Asia - Kim, no college. Won the Sanchules Belt in 2013 before nearly overdosing on wall sealant during the post-fight celebration. Presided over the first grass clump wedding in June, 1979 and once impersonated a turkey hoagie at a sandwich shop for a store-record 18 minutes 39 seconds.

July 30, 2014

Dennis Durly's Last Day

[Taken from the diary of roommate Keyshawn Blintz - 

JULY 30, 2014 
9:48 a.m. - Durly wakes up in his mashed potato bed. 
10:17 a.m. - Usual breakfast of sawdust and eggs with 
some mashed potatoes. 
11:02 a.m. - Left with scratches on chest and face after
a fight with a watermelon. 
11:55 a.m. - NEWS BULLETIN: Watermelon taken into police custody, put on trial and convicted of assault. 
11:57 a.m. - Watermelon eaten in prison. 
12:33 p.m. - Durly marries his high school math book, 
Algebra 1. 
1:21 p.m. - The newlyweds honeymoon on the roof of the Protractor Shop on 7th Street. 
1:44 p.m. - Durly casted as the lead in the upcoming production of Briefcase of a Salesman
2:02 p.m. - While rehearsing lines, falls into a pool of ketchup (not in script). 
2:18 p.m. - Eats his way out of ketchup pool. Declares himself mayor of Ketchup Town and it’s only living resident. 
2:33 p.m. - Impeached (caught eating mustard). 
2:34 p.m. - 3:00 p.m. - Mustard nap
3:04 p.m. - Publicly shamed, Algebra 1 files for divorce. 
3:17 p.m. - Custody battle begins over the former couple’s son, Toaster. 
3:40 p.m. - Toaster ordered to live with Algebra 1. 
3:43 p.m. - Algebra 1 ordered to live with Carlton Blakeley. 
3:46 p.m. - Carlton Blakeley reported missing. 
4:06 p.m. - Durly kidnapped by musical group The Kidnappers. 
4:18 p.m. - Durly’s only possessions-a photograph of a trumpet and a cup of peanut shells-sold at an auction for $2. 
4:29 p.m. - Durly’s bath tub insurance policy lapses. 
5:22 p.m. - Durly returned, but to the wrong house. He is missing one of his own ears, but is holding a bag containing three ears. Also, the word ‘onion’ is branded on his forehead in onions. 
5:46 p.m. - Befriends his first mailbox, Darren.
6:23 p.m. - Darren leaves Durly for a better patch of grass. 
6:29 p.m. - Heartbroken, Durly eats an entire tub of mayonnaise. 
6:33 p.m. - 7:05 p.m. - Mayonnaise nap. 
7:49 p.m. - Durly reported dead of penguin overdose. 
8:02 p.m. - Reporter of Durly’s penguin overdose reported 
8:55 p.m. - Durly’s funeral cancelled due to lack of penguin