May 18, 2016

May 9, 2016

Record review

I'm always looking to add to my record collection, and during trips to Goodwill or a thrift shop will occasionally find a gem.

Now, I'm not talking about stumbling upon a copy of Led Zeppelin III for $1 or anything like that. I'm talking about a GEM.

May 9, 2016 was the day I purchased the 1987 Georgio record, "Sex Appeal."

Right away, we see the Sex Appeal, and unfortunately it has hairy nipples

Let's go over a few things:

1. Look at that belt!

That thing has something, but it isn't sex appeal.

I think what it actually has is the ability to hold up a construction worker's pants.

2. Did he just get finished painting....his hair? What is the story with his shorts? And I'd love an explanation on the yellow glove, though I'm not sure I'm going to like what I hear.

3. Look at that belt!

Let's head to the back:

Chest/belt, part 2!

And somehow his shorts contain MORE paint. Did the photographer (back cover says it was Aaron Rapoport) catch Georgio in the act of painting and they both decided "you know, why we're here, want to just shoot the album covers?" ?

On to the music...

Side 1

1 - "Sex Appeal". The title track gives us a nice glimpse of what the entire record is going to be like: bad synthesizers, terrible choruses, random moaning that could easily be mistaken as a dog having its tail stepped on, & entirely too long. So: classic Georgio.

He sounds like something Prince scraped off his shoe.

2 - "Lover's Lane". The best part about this track was Georgio waited about 40 seconds before he began singing. It was a glorious moment in my life that I'll cherish forever.

And then the chorus happened: "Lover's Lane...Lover's Lane...Lover's Lane...Lover's Lane...Lover's Lane...Lover's Lane...Lover's Lane."

Quick conversation between Georgio and his lady friend:

Girl - "Georgio, if my father caught us up here, he'd kill us."

Georgio (monotone) - "Kill us?"

Girl (slightly-less monotone) - "Kill us."

Georgio - "Well don't worry about it baby. Just trust me, OK?"

Girl - "OK."

3 - "1/4 2 9". I don't know what the title is supposed to mean, but my guess is 1/4 of the people who bought this record were deaf and the other 29 thought they were buying a romantic novel-on-record called Georgio.

Lyric of the album: "My father told me that God was great, in which I pray every night, real late." 

4 - "Menage A Trois". I would like to enter this song into whatever Worst Song Ever Recorded By A Human contest is coming up.

In fact, let's get all species involved, because I've met some parakeets that I bet Georgio would want to sample from.

Side 2

5 - "Bed Rock". [Still recovering from 'Menage A Trois', missed most of track]

6 - "Tina". Opening sequence: 15 consecutive seconds of 'work, work, work, work, work, work, work wa-wa-wa-work."

None of this is making any sense at all.

7 - "Hey You". By track 7 Georgio just doesn't care anymore. It's 1987 and he's the next Prince, or at the very least he's hiding in the next studio and stealing from Prince.

At one point during this song, Georgio alternates from saying he's tired to saying he wants to dance. Is he tired or does he want to dance?!

8 - "I Won't Change". Well, I just listened to this entire record, so I already knew that.

An actual lyric from this song:

"Don't you want to see me naked, baby?"

Georgio: have you looked at your album covers? SHE'S SEEN IT.

Final thought

- This album is categorized as "R&B/Funk". I'll agree on the blues part: this album made me sad. Rhythm? Scary ones, yes, but OK.


What I found in the back of my refrigerator (old pasta) yesterday was funk. I'd like to categorize this music as Fhlump.

April 21, 2016

April 1, 2016

Workout program

Personal trainer Bobby Feathers, creator of world-famous workout videos At Least Do One Sit-up and Now We're Blubbersizing!, presents the third installment of his workout video, Untitled Workout Video.


Workout: Solo thumb wars - left vs. right.

Diet: For breakfast/lunch, engage in a serious political discussion with a stick of butter. For dinner, watch a Hardees commercial.

Extra-curricular: Seduce a curling iron.


Workout: Sit down(s). Beginners: sit down slowly.

Diet: Breakfast/lunch, drink 3 ounces of beef broth. Dinner, call a random number in the phone book and initiate a conversation about cottage cheese.

Extra-curricular: Improvised whistling for 6 seconds


Workout: Daydream about roller skating.

Diet: For breakfast/lunch/dinner, chew on some notebook paper.

Extra-curricular: Massage a beach towel


Workout: Crawl 3 laps around the dining room table. At the end of each lap, scream the name of your 4th grade teacher. Example: "Mrs. Vanderells!!"

Diet: Breakfast/lunch, celery shavings. For dinner, bathe in soy sauce.

Extra-curricular: High-five practice with your goldfish.


Workout: Knee taps. Do four reps of six knee taps. For beginners: simulated knee tapping.

Diet: For breakfast/lunch, on a piece of paper, write down the name of your favorite salad dressing. For dinner, insult a plate of fat-free turkey bacon.

Extra-curricular: Rehabilitate a dying shampoo bottle.