[Taken from the diary of roommate Keyshawn Blintz -
JULY 30, 2014
9:48 a.m. - Durly wakes up in his mashed potato bed.
10:17 a.m. - Usual breakfast of sawdust and eggs with
some mashed potatoes.
11:02 a.m. - Left with scratches on chest and face after
a fight with a watermelon.
11:55 a.m. - NEWS BULLETIN: Watermelon taken into police custody, put on trial and convicted of assault.
11:57 a.m. - Watermelon eaten in prison.
12:33 p.m. - Durly marries his high school math book,
1:21 p.m. - The newlyweds honeymoon on the roof of the Protractor Shop on 7th Street.
1:44 p.m. - Durly casted as the lead in the upcoming production of Briefcase of a Salesman.
2:02 p.m. - While rehearsing lines, falls into a pool of ketchup (not in script).
2:18 p.m. - Eats his way out of ketchup pool. Declares himself mayor of Ketchup Town and it’s only living resident.
2:33 p.m. - Impeached (caught eating mustard).
2:51 p.m. - Publicly shamed, Algebra 1 files for divorce.
3:17 p.m. - Custody battle begins over the former couple’s son, Toaster.
3:40 p.m. - Toaster ordered to live with Algebra 1.
3:43 p.m. - Algebra 1 ordered to live with Carlton Blakeley.
3:46 p.m. - Carlton Blakeley reported missing.
4:06 p.m. - Durly kidnapped by musical group The Kidnappers.
4:18 p.m. - Durly’s only possessions-a photograph of a trumpet and a cup of peanut shells-sold at an auction for $2.
4:29 p.m. - Durly’s bath tub insurance policy lapses.
5:22 p.m. - Durly returned, but to the wrong house. He is missing one of his own ears, but is holding a bag containing three ears. Also, the word ‘onion’ is branded on his forehead in onions.
5:46 p.m. - Befriends his first mailbox, Darren.
6:23 p.m. - Darren leaves Durly for a better patch of grass.
6:29 p.m. - Heartbroken, Durly eats an entire tub of mayonnaise.
6:33 p.m. - 7:05 p.m. - Mayonnaise nap.
7:33 p.m. - NEWS BULLETIN: GUSTY WINDS EXPECTED
7:49 p.m. - Durly reported dead of penguin overdose.
8:02 p.m. - Reporter of Durly’s penguin overdose reported
8:55 p.m. - Durly’s funeral cancelled due to lack of penguin