May 28, 2012

Flying potato spotted

(artist's rendering)

A mysterious flying potato hovered over the Derwood Building Monday, saddening several. After repeated attempts to communicate with the potato, a repeat of those attempts were rescheduled for June 20.

Repeated attempts to repeat this story in other languages on other sites were denied.

May 25, 2012


Thumb Salad

- 5 (five) eyelashes
- 2 (two) heads iceberg lettuce
- 1 (one) carrot (orange)
- 40 (forty) thumbs, no nails
- 3 (three) Carls
- 5 (five) cups of child sneezes
- 1 (one) can raccoon paste
- 2 (three) teaspoons margarine
- 4 (four) sheets notebook paper

Start with a large salad bowl. Chop heads of lettuce, slice carrot and put into bowl. Thinly slice thumbs into quarter-inch pieces and add notebook paper, as is, to bowl. Bake Carls in oven at 375 degrees for 10 minutes and in a separate sauce pan, boil raccoon paste and child sneezes. Once Carls are brown on the inside, add a teaspoon of margarine to each belly button. Finally, garnish salad with eyelashes and enjoy.

May 22, 2012

Sad Sam

In the summer of 4
Sad Sam had wore
a dreadful day
on is face:

he had went out
on a boat tour
the night before
with an oar, Elenore
and painted towns green,
even though Down Dean
said "red"

it didn't get pasted
to Sad Sam's head.

May 18, 2012

Winnepo-Jathaway IV Set

Two of the greatest coleslaw fighters of the modern era, Hog Winnepo and Jum Jathaway, have officially scheduled their long-awaited fourth heavyweight fight.

The two will meet in a 15-round bout, June 17 at Feathers Fairgrounds. The winner's share is a CAAEI (Coleslaw Association of America Except Indiana) record $17.50, while the loser will drop to the consolation bracket and entered into an all-you-can-eat gravel competition.

Here is a quick recap of the previous three fights:

March, 1977 - Before the CAAEI officially sanctioned 15-round bouts, Winnepo defeated Jathaway in the 88th round with his now-famous "coleslaw-in-your-ear". The Horace toy corporation issues its Hog Winnepo dolls, but has to pull all toys off the shelves when Terry Noodles, a 33-year old man in Cleveland, Ohio, accidentally ingests the figurine's feet and passes.

December, 1985 - Christmas Eve bout held at the North Pole is a split decision won by Winnepo. He later forfeits the title after a CAAEI-issued test comes up positive for performance-enhancing penguins.

NOTES (January, 1986-to-July, 1999)
* January, 1985 - June, 1994: Winnepo missing/feared dead.
* July, 1994: Winnepo reported dead.
* September, 1994: Winnepo found to be alive. Actual death belonged to former mall Santa Claus Paul Peters.

August, 1999 - An out-of-shape Jathaway eats his way out of the coleslaw pit and escapes arena. He isn't seen again for over 13 years. Winnepo wins by default and nearly overdoses on coleslaw during victory celebration.

- The Ice Cube Museum & Tasting Tour contributed to this story

May 7, 2012

Danny Devito Fan Club letter

Dear Mr. Devito,

I just had my 500th viewing of Throw Momma from the Train, and I had a very clear vision during the laundromat scene. I would like you to consider legally changing your name to Owen Lift. Now, don't get me wrong: you're a perfect Danny Devito; maybe the most perfect Danny Devito who ever lived. But you would be a perfect Owen Lift, too. Think about how much fun it is to say 'Owen'. And think of the perks: Owens Anonymous? Automatic entry. You could be mayor of Owentown (population: you and another guy named Owen) by 2013. The first Owen Lift™-brand elevator? You'd take the maiden voyage. It's the opportunity all Owens/Dannys have been waiting for since the War of Many Owens ended in the early-70s. But don't just take my word for it. Let's see what Randy has to say:

"I told you I didn't want to be interviewed."

- Randy

Danny has already lived a thousand lifetimes. It's time to give Owen the Danny Devito of a lifetime.

Until then,

Robert Feathers, DDFC member 3,458,996

May 6, 2012

Excerpt from interview

Interviewer: What are your plans for the magazine now that you are editor?
Lyle Ozlo: Weekly frowning classes; retreats into the woods, see if anyone gets eaten by anything; and we plan on hiring a few snowmen to keep K.S.C. off our backs.
I: K.S.C.?
L: Keeping Snowmen Cold.
I: I've never heard of that organization.
L: Neither have I.
I: Well, I appreciate your time and good luck.
L: Thank you, now can you get off my lap?

May 3, 2012

Adult league baseball manager email excerpts, part 2

April 24, 2:04 p.m.

"Every single one of us know what this past Sunday felt like. Remember it.. Use it.. We play hard for a full 9 innings, no excuses...we don't need their mercy and we damn sure don't want their freak'n pity. I'll see you on Sunday."

May 2, 2012

Lizard for sale

$11 or best offer
Maurice  555-9994