Dec 17, 2011

Championship



Anaheim Ducks

MVP: Lonnie Loach

Dec 12, 2011

ILTCSC's Guide to the Bowls

College football's bowl season kicks off Saturday with the New Mexico Bowl, and finishes up right around Easter. We've got you covered for all 34 bowls.


New Mexico - Wyoming vs. Temple

Temple has the 7th-best rushing offense in the nation, led by Bernard Pierce, who rushed for over 1,232 yards and 20 TD, (his 149 yards and five-TD performance against Maryland didn't count because of the new Maryland Rule™). Meanwhile, Wyoming's rush defense is sixth-worst (230 yards/game), though the Cowboys are 1-0 all-time in the New Mexico Bowl.

That might just about do it for actual statistics.

Famous Idaho Potato - Ohio vs. Utah State

I'm not sure Idaho potatoes are even famous anymore. It's time for us to find something else Idaho can do. Great bowl name, part 1: Utah State quarterback Chuckie Keeton.

New Orleans - Louisiana-Lafayette vs. San Diego State

Travel fact: terrible teams from California never do well when they have to fly across country and play equally-terrible teams.

Beef O'Brady's - Florida International vs. Marshall

Chili dog recipe

- 1 hot dog
- 1 hot dog bun
- Beans
- Ground beef
- Chili O'Clock™ hat

Put on hat. Make chili, preferably in a bath tub. Heat up hot dog, pour chili on top of hot dog. Serves one.

Poinsettia - TCU vs. Louisiana Tech

Hey, TCU: congratulations on a 10-win season that included a conference championship and a road win over No. 5 Boise State. Now, go play Louisiana Tech on a Wednesday in the Poinsettia Bowl.

Maaco - Boise State vs. Arizona State

Hey, Boise State: congratulations, you won 11 games, including beating Georgia, and were a one-point loss from going undefeated. Now, go play 6-6 Arizona State in the Maaco Bowl.

Hawaii - Southern Mississippi vs. Nevada

Southern Miss somehow lost to Marshall and UAB.

Great bowl name, part 2: Southern Miss defensive back Furious Bradley.

Independence - Missouri vs. North Carolina

How to get a cat down from a roof:

Climb up onto the roof and grab the thing before it runs away. While still holding the cat, get down from the roof.

Little Caesars - Western Michigan vs. Purdue

1. Marshall has played in the Little Caesars (formerly the Motor City) Bowl five times.
2. Marshall won the Caesars/Motor City three consecutive seasons (1998-2000)

Belk - Louisville vs. N.C. State

The Belk Bowl? Come on.

Military - Air Force vs. Toledo

This game would be a lot better if it was played on another day besides a Wednesday, at a time other than 4:30 in the afternoon, and if two other teams were playing in it.

Holiday - California vs. Texas

Cal just hasn't been the same since the Presbyterian game, finishing 4-5 after a 3-0 start. Some people think Texas is worth watching because it has the less-talented brothers of the school's former star quarterback and wide receiver, but I've never met any of those people.

Champs Sports - Florida State vs. Notre Dame
Great bowl name, part 3: FSU lineman Sterling Lovelady.

Alamo - Baylor vs. Washington

I knew when Washington beat Eastern Washington back on September 3 that we'd be counting down the days until the Huskies played Baylor in the Alamo Bowl. I remember when we hit the magical 47 mark. Now, finally, that day is just 16 more days away.

Armed Forces - BYU vs. Tulsa

Poem

"Bank Robber"

The masked mandolin
tried to Ron a bank,
but forgot his gum
and was sent to gel for lice.

Pinstripe - Rutgers vs. Iowa State

Finally, college football fans get what they want: Rutgers and Iowa State. The winning coach gets to massage former Yankees' manager Stump Merrill's hemorrhoids.

Insight - Oklahoma vs. Iowa

Weave found



Meineke Car Care - Texas A&M vs. Northwestern

The only time Northwestern has won a postseason game was in the 1949 Rose Bowl. It's been eight consecutive losses since, including that famous 2003 Motor City Bowl loss to Bowling Green.

Sun - Georgia Tech vs. Utah

Tech's rushing attack (3rd in nation, 316 YPG) goes up against Utah's rushing defense (7th, 97 YPG).

The head coaches-Paul Johnson and Kyle Whittingham-putting their hands on some helmets.



95% chance someone just beefed.

Kraft Fight Hunger - UCLA vs. Illinois



Liberty - Cincinnati vs. Vanderbilt

Vandy's coach from 1997-2001 was Woody Widenhofer. And people wonder why this program has only been to five bowl games in 108 years.

Peach Bowl - Virginia vs. Auburn

Great bowl name, part 4: Virginia defensive tackle Buddy Ruff.

TicketCity - Houston vs. Penn State

Celery Man, TicketCity Bowl publicity photo
[Photo aged three hours]



Capital One - South Carolina vs. Nebraska

So, you purchased your first mashed potato pit.

1. Congratulations
2. Jump in and have fun
3. But not too much fun (supper's at 6)

Gator - Ohio State vs. Florida

This match up would've been great in ANY OTHER SEASON.

Outback - Georgia vs. Michigan State

The reward for finishing as runners-up in the SEC and Big Ten: Tampa!

Wait, that didn't come out right.

The reward for finishing as runners-up in the SEC and Big Ten: Tampa&

Cotton - Arkansas vs. Kansas State

What's going on here?



Any ideas, please email thislady@embarrassmenttomyfamily.com

BBVA Compass - SMU vs. Pittsburgh

How to get a grandfather down from a roof:

Climb up onto the roof and grab the thing before it runs away. While still holding the grandfather, get down from the roof.

GoDaddy.com - Northern Illinois vs. Arkansas State

Great bowl name, part 5: Arkansas State coach Hugh Freeze.

Rose - Oregon vs. Wisconsin

Great bowl name, part 6: Oregon kicker Alejandro Maldonado.

Fiesta - Oklahoma State vs. Stanford

Could potentially be the best of the 83 bowl games as two great offenses go at it in Tempe. Winner gets one tortilla chip to split amongst the players, coaches and band members.

Sugar - Michigan vs. Virginia Tech

People think Virginia Tech playing in the Sugar Bowl is the biggest travesty of the 2011 football season, but those people keep forgetting UCLA still has one more game to play.

Biggest travesties of the 2011 football season

1. The Kansas defense
2. UCLA playing in a bowl
3. Virginia Tech in the Sugar Bowl
4. Charles Davis on FOX's broadcast of the Big Ten championship game

Orange - Clemson vs. West Virginia

Clemson coach Dabo Swinney got to a BCS bowl in his third full season, setting the modern record for quickest a Dabo has gotten to a BCS bowl.

[Note: Dabo Derden, head coach of Feathers College took the Alawitzes to the Derwood Bowl in 1908.]

BCS Championship - LSU vs. Alabama

It's about time these two teams, and the Southeastern Conference as a whole, got some national attention. All year it was North Texas this and Western Kentucky that. I've had enough of this Sun Belt bias.

Dec 3, 2011

Rare double assist screen

Dave Ellett with a pair of assists on a goal by Glenn Anderson.

Nov 24, 2011

Thanksgiving T-Shirts Now Available




$15
Email bobbyfeathers@gmail.com to order

Nov 21, 2011

Nov 13, 2011

Petitions



* Eliminate napkins by 2015
* Help make the kidney bean the official national bean


** Over 170 signatures collected **

Nov 9, 2011

Reader Contributions

This drawing comes from ILTCSC reader Capolo Henderson. He calls this "Teen Wolf III: Offensive Lineman"

Oct 31, 2011

A Shoot Out for the Ages




* Shoot out-winning goal by Geoff Sanderson
* Sean Burke: 69 saves
* Arturs Irbe: 68 saves

Oct 28, 2011

Radar gun - Day 1



Thursday, October 27

* Lewis Pope whizzing by on his bike: 16 mph
* Derwood throwing a stick: 2 mph
* Derwood walking: 1st reading 2 mph, 2nd reading 3 mph
* Car: 21 mph
* Lewis Pope speed walking: 8 mph

Oct 9, 2011

You Stink! merchandise now available



* T-shirts
* Motivational posters
* Stickers
* Personalized forehead stamps
* Buttons
* Bumper stickers


Email for price list
derwoodmorris@gmail.com

Oct 7, 2011

Smart guy sounds dumb

Chiefs general manager Scott Pioli is supposedly a smart guy; really knows his stuff.

But, Pioli said this about KC's 2009 roster in USA Today Sports Weekly:

"This is something Todd (Hayley, Chiefs coach) and I both believe, based on our histories, that is the right 53 players," Pioli said. "The best 53 players don't necessarily mean the most skilled, the most athletic or the most talented."

"The best" must mean who can hold the most peppermint candies in his/her mouth at one time.

I believe that is backup left guard Brian Delapuente.

Sep 24, 2011

Food Review




"That's just a quality snack item!"

- Oscar Rainbow

Sep 7, 2011

New Ramen Noodle Rankings

RN Top 6
September, 2011 (last month)

1. Chicken (1)



2. Roasted chicken (2)
3. Creamy chicken (4)
4. Roast beef (3)
5. Chicken & mushroom (5)
T6. Beef (6)
Shrimp (NR)

Others receiving votes: Pork (1), Chili (1), Oriental (1)

Sep 5, 2011

Goose



Reggie Martinez
Age: 5
Attitude: standoffish
Temporary position: back door look out

Aug 29, 2011

Safety Goggles Live Blog

[From August 28, 2011 - @therealderwood]

7:29 p.m. EST - I'm wearing safety goggles. What I do next could make or break my evening.



7:40 p.m. - Goggles moved on top of my head.

8:03 p.m. - Tried to put the safety goggles on a squirrel's face. Unsuccessful.

8:24 p.m. - Tried to trade safety goggles for salami sandwich. Sandwich had already been eaten.



8:25 p.m. - Awkward moment when I put the goggles back on my head finally over.

8:42 p.m. - Misplaced the safety goggles.

8:44 p.m. - There they are.


Special thanks to: The Holy Goggles Corporation and the McCrary Lane Philharmonic.

Aug 24, 2011

Contest Winner Announced

ILTCSC's first-ever "Draw a Hamburger Contest" has concluded and after receiving more than 500 entries, our editors have declared a winner:




* Drawn by Harold Zombo of Roswell, GA *


Harold will receive the grand prize of two slices of wheat bread as well as have his drawing appear in the site's 1st annual Hamburger Drawings magazine. Congratulations, Harold!

Aug 20, 2011

Golf 101

Golf is a serious game played by serious people in serious pants.

You have to be really quiet. You have to pick up blades of grass and toss them in the air to see which direction the wind is traveling, even though tossing blades of grass in the air to see which direction the wind is traveling is really stupid. Sweatpants are discouraged.

The following is handy guide for the non-serious golfer to make a day with serious golfers more pleasurable.


1. Mention how great you are at golf several times prior to the round. Then play poorly right from the start and steadily get worse from hole to hole. Keep muttering how you "never play like this" while blaming things like the condition of the course or some kind of back injury. When you complain about injuries, use a made-up medical term and see if anyone calls you on it. If they do, tell them they don't know anything about medicine. If they don't, keep changing the name of the medical condition each time you bring it up.

2. Disappear for really long stretches of time. Then join your group at a random hole. When they ask "where have you been?", you can say

A. "Been looking for that darn ball."
B. "Playing tennis."
C. "I'd rather not say."
D. "On the third hole giving a lesson. Not a golf lesson. Wok cooking."
E. "Well, I could ask you the same question."
F. "Playing a few holes with three other guys."

3. Changing outfits can be a great way to lighten the mood. Start the day with pants and a golf shirt, then by hole 8 you're in jeans and a Tazmanian Devil tank top. By the time you reach the 15th hole, you're in a bathing suit, flip flops and a Kansas City Chiefs jersey.

4. A lot of the times golf takes place early in the morning, so bringing a sack full of scrambled eggs and periodically reaching into the sack and eating some eggs is encouraged.

Next level scrambled eggs:

- bring some with you to putt, maybe spill a few on the green .
- use an egg instead of a quarter when picking up your ball on the green.

If anyone asks you for some scrambled eggs (they won't), make a wager on a hole: "Sink this shot and you can reach in and grab as much as you want."

5. Find a random person to sign your score card. When they're done, either:

A. Give a "thumbs up" ad hold it for an uncomfortable amount of time.
B. Ask them to dance. Not with you, but to dance by themselves.
C. Return shortly after and ask them to sign something else, like your shirt or the roof of the golf cart.
D. Try to get them to use their own pen and when they're done signing, leave them holding the score card and run off with the pen.

6. The clubhouse is a big deal, though I'm not sure why. It's basically a gift shop with beer.

Here are a few ways to shake it up a bit in the clubhouse.

A. Auction off items from each of the holes: a chunk of grass from the fairway at 11; a cup of sand from the 6th hole, or just items from the clubhouse: 'how much for this chair? Hey, I got $40, do I hear $50?!' Make sure you have a gavel.
B. Announce drinks are on you, then when a person orders a beer, single them out. "Ooooh, no. I meant everyone but you."
C. Parade someone around the clubhouse flanked by a handful of men who look like security guards. Have the guards move people out of the way and pretend to whisper into walkie talkies. For at least 10 minutes, go in and out of different doors of the clubhouse repeating the same thing each time.


Aug 8, 2011

That's Just About Enough of the Nonsense

It's time for another installment of That's Just About Enough of the Nonsense.




Thoughts? Email thisguy@embarrassmenttomychildren.com

Aug 2, 2011

Ramen Noodle Rankings Stay Same for August

RN Top 6
August, 2011 (last month)

1. Chicken (1)
2. Roasted chicken (2)
3. Roast beef (3)
4. Creamy chicken (4)
5. Chicken & mushroom (5)
6. Beef (6)

Others receiving votes: Shrimp (1), Pork (1), Chili (1), Oriental (1)


* Note - Chicken will spend its 17th consecutive month in the top spot, breaking the old record of 16 set by roast beef in 1999 *

Jul 15, 2011

Rare Pitching From 15 Feet Screen




* Sent in by ILTCSC reader Capolo Henderson

Jul 5, 2011

New Ramen Noodle Rankings Released

RN Top 6
July, 2011 (last month)

1. Chicken (1)
2. Roasted chicken (3)
3. Roast beef (2)
4. Creamy chicken (4)
5. Chicken & Mushroom (6)
6. Beef (NR)

Dropped out: Pork (6)

Others receiving votes: Shrimp (1), Pork (1), Chili (1), Oriental (1)

Jun 23, 2011

NYY Championship




* Title won by ILTCSC reader Capolo Henderson *

Jun 5, 2011

New Ramen Noodle Rankings Released

RN Top 6
June, 2011 (last month)

1. Chicken (1)
2. Roasted beef (2)
3. Roast chicken (3)
4. Creamy chicken (4)
5. Chicken & Mushroom (6)
6. Pork (5)


Others receiving votes: Shrimp (1), Beef (1), Chili (1), Oriental (1)

May 24, 2011

That's Just About Enough of the Nonsense





Thoughts? Email thislady@idontknowwhatimdoing.com

May 12, 2011

Apr 16, 2011

Cakes and the high school students who decorate them

It's time to play Ernie's favorite game, Fun at the Department of Labor channel!

Tonight on 'JobTV':

Job: Cake decorator
Experience: 2 years
Education: some high school



"I'm dropping out. Going to become a cake decorator."

- Freshman Ronald Coursey

Apr 5, 2011

Food review




"Now that's just a quality snack item!"

- Bob Feathers