New head basketball coach speaks to press

CLERR - With training camp underway, new Whistles coach Connie Delek spoke with assembled media members Friday on a number of subjects, including where has he been the press conference was supposed to start 20 minutes ago, and his hopes for new 7'5 Zengaleize import Marvin Queem, who averaged 38.2 points for the Zengaleize National Team from 1990-2024.

Delek, 19 in snowman years, who last coached with the Chalk of the Xavier Association from 2019-2023, wore his league-mandated giraffe costume to the press conference.

On Queem:

"Listen, you don't average nearly 40 points a game over a 34-year span in Zengal, with children riding their bikes on the court during games, without having some real talent. He's got a chance to be a special player in this league.

But first he has to finish that roast beef sandwich."

On his first month as head coach:

"Its been a huge learning experience, but an exciting time for me and my family. Of muskrats."

On the league switching to the GiganticBall:

"I think it's taking some getting used to because it's so gigantic. Peeshon Bradley was working out with the other forwards first day of practice and he took a pass and it almost killed him. Of course, he's about a foot and half tall and weighs 30 or so pounds."

On his acquittal in February's grand theft wheat bread trials:

"I had a very serious wheat bread problem in the 1990s and now I'm 23 years zober. I wasn't involved in any wheat bread theft in December and it feels good to be exonerated. And that post-trial bowl of Grandma May's Wheat Bread Soup out in the parking lot? Tasted like freedom. And grandma feet."

On criticisms of his coaching staff's hand-in-the-wasp-next defensive drill"

"That's really up to the league and player's union right now, and for now I'd like to decline comment."

On the Whistles' fan base:

"We have an intense, passionate fan base and we love playing in front of them. Not necessarily behind them, though, it can get violent, especially on carton of raw eggs night. We'd also like the fans seated on the baselines to stop screaming and shouting when our players are shooting free throws, but that may take some time."

On his expectations for the 2026-2027 season:

"It's tough to make predictions because there are so many that go on over the course of a season. Guys make shots, they miss shots, they get shot. One of the most important things for coaches and players is where are we, you know? Where are you located, how close are you to the arena, the game is almost starting. So, 249 games is a long season, we're going to take it one se

Joe Flacco released

Flacco's Team officially released Joe Flacco Wednesday morning, just days after the Baltimore quarterback threw for 121 yards in an opening day win over Cincinnati.

With Tampa Bay quarterback Jameis Winston returning for week two, Flacco no longer had a starting position.

"We appreciate everything Joe gave us during his time in the organization - the more-than 120 passing yards, everything. He'll be truly missed," said interim GM Pepe Tiggs. "Of course, he'll have to return his snow pants and reimburse the organization for that haircut."

Flacco's week one performance, which included a four-yard pass to Terrance West in the first quarter, helped Flacco's Team defeat Nigel Snodgrass, a team made up of several Australian emus and four boxes of romaine lettuce, 82.54 to 68.66.

The team, which for the remainder of the season will wear taco shells on their uniforms to honor their former teammate, will now be called The Danny Amendolas.

"I think it's the right decision. I really do," said Danny Amendola impersonator Morris Fleck.

Lyelson Wins National Title

OLD SALADTOWN - History was made in Malik County early Sunday morning as Warren Lyleson became the oldest champion at Aardvark Eating Contest Nationals. Lyleson, 53, had been eating aardvarks competitively for just 16 months before stunning the crowd of guys named Steve with a North American-record 11 A.C.2.H. (aardvarks consumed in two hours), which clinched the Denny Cup.

"I was stunned," said Steve Klein, who looked more stunned than Steve Knepper.

"I'm stunned you would write that," added Steve Knepper.

Lyleson, who Tuesday was playing for the Make A Wish With Someone Else's Birthday Cake Foundation, moves on to the international competition March 1-5. 

"All the glory goes to him," said Lyleson, while pointing to a road map of Nebraska.

Lyleson, 17 pipe cleaners tall, will compete against three-time world champion Liu Ting Yi, and radio contest winner Wendy Marsden, who last month guessed correctly ‘Beto and the Fairlanes’.

Lyleson's trainer - a poster board containing the lyrics to ‘Eye of the Tiger’ - was unavailable for comment.

Oldest to win at the A.E.C.N.

Lyleson - Sunday: 53 years-old

Everett Peesh - August, 2019: 52

Janae Rudolph-Kling - August, 2007: 51, 11 months

Rodney Forks - August, 1998: 50

News story

An intersection in downtown Plumptin remains fairly inactive as of Friday at 11:45 p.m., according to several eye witnesses. The intersection at Lavelle Avenue and 11th Street had a car stop in one of its turn lanes and eventually make a left turn onto 11th at approximately 10:25 p.m., but little else has happened in what has been dubbed Dormant Intersection Irene.

Charles Whitaker, who according to Crispo Convienience Store clerk Beverly Mertle has been “hanging around with that other guy" in front of the store on Lavelle Avenue since around 9:30 p.m., said he saw a wind gust pick up a piece of trash and carry it into the middle of the intersection.

“Probably about 10 o’clock or so, I saw a yellow piece of paper get picked up by the wind, and then it fell onto the grass. Craziest thing I've ever seen," said Whitaker.

The intersection is not known for its inactivity. Local resident Dorothy Pack said every weekday morning it is full of cars, including her own, and on several occasions sanitation workers have been called to the area to pick up roadkill. Another resident, Murray Quinn, once found an apple core.

“I kept yelling ‘Dwayne!’, ‘Dwayne!’, but it didn’t even respond. That must not have been its name,” said Quinn.

News story

A local resident doesn’t read newspapers despite having a newspaper subscription. In a photograph obtained by Newsletter correspondent Kerwin Daniels, a pile of more than 30 newspapers lies unread in front of apartment 340 of the Winter Green complex on Laddimore Street in Kaynesport.

The newspaper is believed to be the daily Livingston Courier and the pile goes back more than a month, according to Dottie Bainbridge, voted “nosiest” by the tenants in building 3 from 2009-2013.

“I go by their door and look almost every morning when I walk Pookie,” said Bainbridge, while holding up a leash that was tied to a 20 x 30 poster of a daschund.

The resident is also believed to have a pile of lunch meat that hasn’t yet been put on a sandwich and a pile of stairs that have yet to be climbed.

News story

ATLANTA, GA - After jogging to a certain spot on the court, receiving a pass from a coach, dribbling a few times, setting his feet and raising his arms, Utah Jazz forward Jeremy Evans has been left with just 54 minutes and 12 seconds to release a practice shot, according to the above photograph obtained by staff reporter Dwayne Durly.

Evans declined to comment until he could release the shot and decide where to take his next practice shot.

It's not the first time Evans has taken his time with a practice shot. According to team archives, Evans waited until 33 minutes remained on the clock to release a practice shot in 2010, and at the end of a 2011 game let the clock run out completely without even attempting a shot. Head coach Tyrone Corbin added Evans, a third-year player out of Western Kentucky, has during weekday practices spent more minutes than any other Utah player "either dribbling or just standing around".

"Jeremy has to learn how to shoot earlier in the clock, there's no doubt about that," said Corbin, while attempting to recreate Evans' shooting motion with a watercolor painting. "We only have so much time before the game. One of these days he's going to have to shoot when the clock is at, say, 28 minutes. Then what?"

The Newsletter also learned that Evans' teammate, Trey Burke, was stretching one of his legs at the 46-minute mark, though at press time which leg had not yet been determined.

Winnepo-Jathaway IV Set

Two of the greatest coleslaw fighters of the modern era, Hog Winnepo and Jum Jathaway, have officially scheduled their long-awaited fourth heavyweight fight.

The two will meet in a 15-round bout, June 17 at Feathers Fairgrounds. The winner's share is a CAAEI (Coleslaw Association of America Except Indiana) record $17.50, while the loser will drop to the consolation bracket and entered into an all-you-can-eat gravel competition.


Here is a quick recap of the previous three fights:

March, 1977 - Before the CAAEI officially sanctioned 15-round bouts, Winnepo defeated Jathaway in the 88th round with his now-famous "coleslaw-in-your-ear". The Horace toy corporation issues its Hog Winnepo dolls, but has to pull all toys off the shelves when Terry Noodles, a 33-year old man in Cleveland, Ohio, accidentally ingests the figurine's feet and passes.

December, 1985 - Christmas Eve bout held at the North Pole is a split decision won by Winnepo. He later forfeits the title after a CAAEI-issued test comes up positive for performance-enhancing penguins.

NOTES (January, 1986-to-July, 1999)
* January, 1985 - June, 1994: Winnepo missing/feared dead.
* July, 1994: Winnepo reported dead.
* September, 1994: Winnepo found to be alive. Actual death belonged to former mall Santa Claus Paul Peters.

August, 1999 - An out-of-shape Jathaway eats his way out of the coleslaw pit and escapes arena. He isn't seen again for over 13 years. Winnepo wins by default and nearly overdoses on coleslaw during victory celebration.


- The Ice Cube Museum & Tasting Tour contributed to this story