New York Rangers
Dec 16, 2012
Dec 11, 2012
Nov 28, 2012
Sep 21, 2012
Limerick
Once lived a big 'ole fat rabbit
who heckled Mr. Abbot in his hammock,
night and day
from August to May
that fat rabbit pestered poor Joe Abbot.
who heckled Mr. Abbot in his hammock,
night and day
from August to May
that fat rabbit pestered poor Joe Abbot.
Aug 21, 2012
Lily & Gustavo
There was a young maiden of the Brit,
teeth split and she drank a harmful bit;
the alkey would slide
down her throat open wide
and poor Lily, she just wouldn't quit.
So one day a man called Gustavo,
trollied morningtime to her grotto;
he declared on his face
a stoppage to this waste!
But instead wound up, too, blind and blotto.
teeth split and she drank a harmful bit;
the alkey would slide
down her throat open wide
and poor Lily, she just wouldn't quit.
So one day a man called Gustavo,
trollied morningtime to her grotto;
he declared on his face
a stoppage to this waste!
But instead wound up, too, blind and blotto.
Jul 7, 2012
Jul 5, 2012
Jun 25, 2012
Limerick
There was a plump man on a rail
whose pep had retired and set sail;
his orange, plaid pants,
they were chockfull of fire ants
that plump little man we called Dale.
whose pep had retired and set sail;
his orange, plaid pants,
they were chockfull of fire ants
that plump little man we called Dale.
Jun 16, 2012
Jun 5, 2012
Autographed Jesus Memorabilia Now Available
Mini baseball
$45
Personalized autograph to Stanley
$60
To purchase either item, email derwoodmorris@gmail.com.
More autographed Jesus memorabilia coming soon.
Jun 3, 2012
Limerick
There was an old man whose feet
resembled the rump of a sheep;
he had paid many pounds,
so they'd look like a clown's
and now he has much bigger feet
resembled the rump of a sheep;
he had paid many pounds,
so they'd look like a clown's
and now he has much bigger feet
May 28, 2012
Flying potato spotted
(artist's rendering)
A mysterious flying potato hovered over the Derwood Building Monday, saddening several. After repeated attempts to communicate with the potato, a repeat of those attempts were rescheduled for June 20.
May 27, 2012
May 25, 2012
Recipe
Thumb Salad
- 5 (five) eyelashes
- 2 (two) heads iceberg lettuce
- 1 (one) carrot (orange)
- 40 (forty) thumbs, no nails
- 3 (three) Carls
- 5 (five) cups of child sneezes
- 1 (one) can raccoon paste
- 2 (three) teaspoons margarine
- 4 (four) sheets notebook paper
Start with a large salad bowl. Chop heads of lettuce, slice carrot and put into bowl. Thinly slice thumbs into quarter-inch pieces and add notebook paper, as is, to bowl. Bake Carls in oven at 375 degrees for 10 minutes and in a separate sauce pan, boil raccoon paste and child sneezes. Once Carls are brown on the inside, add a teaspoon of margarine to each belly button. Finally, garnish salad with eyelashes and enjoy.
- 5 (five) eyelashes
- 2 (two) heads iceberg lettuce
- 1 (one) carrot (orange)
- 40 (forty) thumbs, no nails
- 3 (three) Carls
- 5 (five) cups of child sneezes
- 1 (one) can raccoon paste
- 2 (three) teaspoons margarine
- 4 (four) sheets notebook paper
Start with a large salad bowl. Chop heads of lettuce, slice carrot and put into bowl. Thinly slice thumbs into quarter-inch pieces and add notebook paper, as is, to bowl. Bake Carls in oven at 375 degrees for 10 minutes and in a separate sauce pan, boil raccoon paste and child sneezes. Once Carls are brown on the inside, add a teaspoon of margarine to each belly button. Finally, garnish salad with eyelashes and enjoy.
May 19, 2012
May 18, 2012
Winnepo-Jathaway IV Set
Two of the greatest coleslaw fighters of the modern era, Hog Winnepo and Jum Jathaway, have officially scheduled their long-awaited fourth heavyweight fight.
The two will meet in a 15-round bout, June 17 at Feathers Fairgrounds. The winner's share is a CAAEI (Coleslaw Association of America Except Indiana) record $17.50, while the loser will drop to the consolation bracket and entered into an all-you-can-eat gravel competition.
Here is a quick recap of the previous three fights:
March, 1977 - Before the CAAEI officially sanctioned 15-round bouts, Winnepo defeated Jathaway in the 88th round with his now-famous "coleslaw-in-your-ear". The Horace toy corporation issues its Hog Winnepo dolls, but has to pull all toys off the shelves when Terry Noodles, a 33-year old man in Cleveland, Ohio, accidentally ingests the figurine's feet and passes.
December, 1985 - Christmas Eve bout held at the North Pole is a split decision won by Winnepo. He later forfeits the title after a CAAEI-issued test comes up positive for performance-enhancing penguins.
NOTES (January, 1986-to-July, 1999)
* January, 1985 - June, 1994: Winnepo missing/feared dead.
* July, 1994: Winnepo reported dead.
* September, 1994: Winnepo found to be alive. Actual death belonged to former mall Santa Claus Paul Peters.
August, 1999 - An out-of-shape Jathaway eats his way out of the coleslaw pit and escapes arena. He isn't seen again for over 13 years. Winnepo wins by default and nearly overdoses on coleslaw during victory celebration.
- The Ice Cube Museum & Tasting Tour contributed to this story
The two will meet in a 15-round bout, June 17 at Feathers Fairgrounds. The winner's share is a CAAEI (Coleslaw Association of America Except Indiana) record $17.50, while the loser will drop to the consolation bracket and entered into an all-you-can-eat gravel competition.
Here is a quick recap of the previous three fights:
March, 1977 - Before the CAAEI officially sanctioned 15-round bouts, Winnepo defeated Jathaway in the 88th round with his now-famous "coleslaw-in-your-ear". The Horace toy corporation issues its Hog Winnepo dolls, but has to pull all toys off the shelves when Terry Noodles, a 33-year old man in Cleveland, Ohio, accidentally ingests the figurine's feet and passes.
December, 1985 - Christmas Eve bout held at the North Pole is a split decision won by Winnepo. He later forfeits the title after a CAAEI-issued test comes up positive for performance-enhancing penguins.
NOTES (January, 1986-to-July, 1999)
* January, 1985 - June, 1994: Winnepo missing/feared dead.
* July, 1994: Winnepo reported dead.
* September, 1994: Winnepo found to be alive. Actual death belonged to former mall Santa Claus Paul Peters.
August, 1999 - An out-of-shape Jathaway eats his way out of the coleslaw pit and escapes arena. He isn't seen again for over 13 years. Winnepo wins by default and nearly overdoses on coleslaw during victory celebration.
- The Ice Cube Museum & Tasting Tour contributed to this story
May 10, 2012
May 7, 2012
Danny Devito Fan Club letter
Dear Mr. Devito,
I just had my 500th viewing of Throw Momma from the Train, and I had a very clear vision during the laundromat scene. I would like you to consider legally changing your name to Owen Lift. Now, don't get me wrong: you're a perfect Danny Devito; maybe the most perfect Danny Devito who ever lived. But you would be a perfect Owen Lift, too. Think about how much fun it is to say 'Owen'. And think of the perks: Owens Anonymous? Automatic entry. You could be mayor of Owentown (population: you and another guy named Owen) by 2013. The first Owen Lift™-brand elevator? You'd take the maiden voyage. It's the opportunity all Owens/Dannys have been waiting for since the War of Many Owens ended in the early-70s. But don't just take my word for it. Let's see what Randy has to say:
"I told you I didn't want to be interviewed."
- Randy
Danny has already lived a thousand lifetimes. It's time to give Owen the Danny Devito of a lifetime.
Until then,
Robert Feathers, DDFC member 3,458,996
I just had my 500th viewing of Throw Momma from the Train, and I had a very clear vision during the laundromat scene. I would like you to consider legally changing your name to Owen Lift. Now, don't get me wrong: you're a perfect Danny Devito; maybe the most perfect Danny Devito who ever lived. But you would be a perfect Owen Lift, too. Think about how much fun it is to say 'Owen'. And think of the perks: Owens Anonymous? Automatic entry. You could be mayor of Owentown (population: you and another guy named Owen) by 2013. The first Owen Lift™-brand elevator? You'd take the maiden voyage. It's the opportunity all Owens/Dannys have been waiting for since the War of Many Owens ended in the early-70s. But don't just take my word for it. Let's see what Randy has to say:
"I told you I didn't want to be interviewed."
- Randy
Danny has already lived a thousand lifetimes. It's time to give Owen the Danny Devito of a lifetime.
Until then,
Robert Feathers, DDFC member 3,458,996
May 6, 2012
Excerpt from interview
Interviewer: What are your plans for the magazine now that you are editor?
Lyle Ozlo: Weekly frowning classes; retreats into the woods, see if anyone gets eaten by anything; and we plan on hiring a few snowmen to keep K.S.C. off our backs.
I: K.S.C.?
L: Keeping Snowmen Cold.
I: I've never heard of that organization.
L: Neither have I.
I: Well, I appreciate your time and good luck.
L: Thank you, now can you get off my lap?
May 3, 2012
Adult league baseball manager email excerpts, part 2
April 24, 2:04 p.m.
"Every single one of us know what this past Sunday felt like. Remember it.. Use it.. We play hard for a full 9 innings, no excuses...we don't need their mercy and we damn sure don't want their freak'n pity. I'll see you on Sunday."
"Every single one of us know what this past Sunday felt like. Remember it.. Use it.. We play hard for a full 9 innings, no excuses...we don't need their mercy and we damn sure don't want their freak'n pity. I'll see you on Sunday."
May 2, 2012
Apr 24, 2012
Adult league baseball manager email excerpts, part 1
April 12, 1:34 p.m.
83 degrees and clear on Sunday, drink water, eat breakfast, and come ready to bleed.
April 17, 9:38 a.m.
"We've gone from an 80% chance of rain on Sunday to 0% in 2 days. This is no accident, call it whatever you want but I feel like the Gods want us to beat these guys."
April 18, 1:05 p.m.
"Let your game do the talking, but make no mistake...this is not a "friendly". It's time to go to fuckin war."
83 degrees and clear on Sunday, drink water, eat breakfast, and come ready to bleed.
April 17, 9:38 a.m.
"We've gone from an 80% chance of rain on Sunday to 0% in 2 days. This is no accident, call it whatever you want but I feel like the Gods want us to beat these guys."
April 18, 1:05 p.m.
"Let your game do the talking, but make no mistake...this is not a "friendly". It's time to go to fuckin war."
Apr 12, 2012
Mar 23, 2012
Mar 17, 2012
Feb 24, 2012
Dumpster off limits
Other warnings:
"Quit trying to drink that puddle water"
"Get down from that chandelier"
"No ostrich allowed in the dugout"
Feb 7, 2012
Feb 5, 2012
Super Bowl Picks
Last year, Derwood was right on 19% of his picks and ate six bowls of chili and 17 brown things stuffed with cheese, both Henington family-uninvited-guest records.
National anthem: Forehead (featuring Lil' Shellfish)
Opening kick off: PPD
Over/under corn chips eaten (Southeast region of United States): 680,000
Ken O'Brien: inactive
Playing the percentages:
"Pinning your ears back" - 22%
"Taken to the woodshed" - 31%
Run "between the tackles" - 77%
"Tighten up your bootstraps" - 4%
"Ball recognition" - 9%
"Bow your neck" - .3%
"Playing the field position game" - 62%
"Third and manageable" - .1%
MVP: N/A
Final score: Giants 27, Patriots 20
National anthem: Forehead (featuring Lil' Shellfish)
Opening kick off: PPD
Over/under corn chips eaten (Southeast region of United States): 680,000
Ken O'Brien: inactive
Playing the percentages:
"Pinning your ears back" - 22%
"Taken to the woodshed" - 31%
Run "between the tackles" - 77%
"Tighten up your bootstraps" - 4%
"Ball recognition" - 9%
"Bow your neck" - .3%
"Playing the field position game" - 62%
"Third and manageable" - .1%
MVP: N/A
Final score: Giants 27, Patriots 20
Feb 3, 2012
Feb 1, 2012
Cigarette prices go up at local gas station
Also for sale:
* Bag of corn chips - $18
* Air fresheners - 3 for $40
* Photographs taken with parking lot oil stains - $24.99
Jan 29, 2012
Jan 22, 2012
Jan 16, 2012
Jan 12, 2012
Billy parks here
Former occupants:
James (2009-2010)
Harvey (2007-2009)
Darren (2004-2007)
[Unoccupied: 1999-2003]
Billy (1997-1998)
James (1987-1996)
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