Dennis
Durly’s last day on earth was documented by roommate & biographer L. Vivian
Crugg in her diary.
JULY
30, 2014
9:25
a.m. - Durly wakes up in his mashed potato bed.
9:29
a.m. – Brushes teeth with July 29 issue of Kaynesport Times
newspaper.
9:51
a.m. - Usual breakfast of eggshells with some mashed potatoes.
10:35
a.m. – Morning walk around his mailbox.
10:36
a.m. – Motivational speech given to his driveway.
10:39 –
motor oil stains are not your fault
11:03 –
remaining gravel together
11:48 a.m.
– While searching in his attic, Durly finds what he was looking for: the attic
window.
12:12
p.m. - Durly marries his high school sweetheart’s math book, Algebra
1.
1:21
p.m. - The newlyweds honeymoon on the roof of the Protractor Shop on 7th
Street.
1:44
p.m. - Durly casted as the lead in the upcoming production of Briefcase of a
Salesman.
2:02
p.m. – During first rehearsal, falls into a pool of ketchup (not in
script).
2:18
p.m. - Eats his way out of ketchup pool. Declares himself mayor of Ketchup Town
and it’s only living resident.
2:33
p.m. - Impeached (caught eating mustard).
2:34 p.m. - 3:00 p.m. - Mustard nap
2:34 p.m. - 3:00 p.m. - Mustard nap
3:04
p.m. - Publicly shamed, Algebra 1 files for divorce.
3:17
p.m. - Custody battle begins over the former couple’s son, toaster.
3:40
p.m. - Toaster ordered to live with Algebra 1.
3:43
p.m. - Algebra 1 ordered to live with Carlton Blakeley.
3:46
p.m. - Carlton Blakeley reported missing.
4:06
p.m. - Durly kidnapped by musical group The Kidnappers.
4:18
p.m. - Durly’s most-prized possessions-a photograph of a trumpet and an autographed
copy of Robert Halden’s book Championship Prison Miniature Golf Teams-sold
at an auction for $14.
4:29
p.m. - Durly’s bath tub insurance policy lapses.
5:22
p.m. - Durly returned, but to the wrong house. He is missing one of his own
ears, but is holding a bag containing three ears. Also, the word ‘onion’ is
branded on his forehead in onions.
5:46
p.m. - Befriends his first mailbox, Darren.
6:23
p.m. - Darren leaves Durly for a better patch of grass.
6:29
p.m. - Heartbroken, Durly eats an entire tub of mayonnaise.
6:33
p.m. - 7:05 p.m. - Mayonnaise nap.
7:33
p.m. - NEWS BULLETIN: GUSTY WINDS EXPECTED
7:49
p.m. - Durly reported dead of penguin overdose.
8:02
p.m. - Reporter of Durly’s penguin overdose reported
napping.
8:55
p.m. - Durly’s funeral cancelled due to lack of penguin
ushers.
