Nov 27, 2013

Additions to the ILTCSC glossary

Ewingpie - to fall in love with a drawing of a hippopotamus
Leafname - to give individual leaves first names
Potatolocks - a person who puts a spoonful of mashed potatoes in his/her hair as a matter of protest
Tubecroon - to serenade a tube sock or pair of tube socks

Nov 21, 2013

Don't sit like that



















[Discovered by ILTCSC reader Akash Shimarod]

Nov 20, 2013

Rudi Stein?!

It’s the first day of practice for the Bears baseball team and Rudi Stein volunteers to pitch. Though he seemed quite eager to pitch, jumping off the bleachers to inform Buttermaker of his desire to be the team's ace, he was just that: a volunteer. No one else in the yellow and brown wanted to be the hurler that would inevitably give up 27 runs and take seven comebackers off the shins each game. No one wanted to be the face of that team, and my goodness did that team have some faces.















 
There just weren't many options on day one of spring camp:

* Engleberg is eating candy through the bars in his catcher's mask

* Lupus is getting hay fever out in RF

* Tanner Boyle falls down every time he does anything

* Ogilvie is in a windbreaker and jeans, didn't even bother to bring a glove

* Buttermaker is already nine beers in

* Kelly Leak is still weeks away from joining the team

* They've got a left-handed third baseman in a velvet jogging suit who is afraid of the ball

A mess of a first day of practice, and there's no one else to get on the mound and take the daily shellacking, so Stein was the guy. That’s fine for a non-serious little league where the kids and coaches are getting some fresh air, having fun and learning some baseball.

But this isn't that kind of little league. The players have a genuine hatred for each other. The coaches are either drunks or psychotic (I seriously was hoping they'd release a new Bad News Bears DVD with extras where in one of the deleted scenes the Bears come back and beat the Yankees and Ron Turner is shown having hung himself in the dugout while Cleveland sobs in front of the body).

Anyway, Stein of course gets lit up. He's historically bad - bouncing pitches, can't field his position, throwing to the wrong bases, accidentally swallowing whole the rosin bag while attempting to field a bunt.

The Bears struggle. But Buttermaker finds Amanda Whurlitzer in a lawn chair handing out maps and remembers "this kid's got a curve ball and I used to have sex with her mother. Maybe I can somehow get her t......." (passes out on the side of the road).

Soon the Bears have an ace: tons of innings, putting wear on her right arm, sure, but Amanda is dominant and the best pitcher in the league. The Bears pass everyone into second and get a shot at the Yankees. Unfortunately Whurlitzer gets hurt in the championship game.

Buttermaker has to go to the pen.

Who does he turn to?

Rudi Stein.

RUDI STEIN?!

He goes right back to Rudi Stein?! There's no one else?!

* At no time during the season, during practice, did he see if ANYONE ELSE could pitch? Ogilvie is the team statistician, refuses to play, he just wants to count foul balls and chart pitches. He couldn't at one point say "hey, Buttermaker, I know Amanda is pitching great, but let's say she gets hurt....you know, STEIN is the only other pitcher we have. Want to try to see if anyone else can pitch?

Maybe Ogilvie tried and Buttermaker was sunbathing nude in right field, who knows. But I still put this on Ogilvie - the young man should've done something.















 
And now we're in a tie championship game in the late innings, and Stein gets the ball again.

Ahmad Abdul Rahim?

Either of the Agular brothers?

The lefty they moved from 3rd to 1st? He can't give it a shot?! Sure, that might’ve meant Jose Agular: First Baseman Part 2, and we saw how poorly went Part 1, but they're not going to even see if the lefty can get some people out?

Hell, give Boyle a shot, Jesus. He may have been 3'4 and a horrible racist and bully, but he MUST'VE BEEN BETTER THAN RUDI STEIN.

If people are yelling out for anyone, EVEN THE RACIST, to pitch instead of the kid you currently have on the mound, you might have the wrong kid on the mound.

And what about Kelly Leak? He can't pitch?

He's the best athlete in the area and he can't pitch?! Why the hell not?! This kid is all-area and he's stuck in the outfield for the entire season?!

You know what? The Bears deserved that runner-up trophy.

Nov 11, 2013

Additions to the ILTCSC glossary

Leafplotka - a toupee made of leaves
Lightcroon - to serenade a stop light
Reggiepologist - a Reggie apologist
Sampledate - taking a carpet sample out on a date


ILTCSC Glossary

Nov 5, 2013

Don't shave like that















[Discovered by ILTCSC reader Capolo Henderson]

Nov 3, 2013

The head coaching career of Todd Dodge

Todd Dodge coached some college football games once - 43 to be exact - for the University of North Texas.

Dodge's career record:
2007  2-10
2008  1-11
2009  2-10
2010  1-6

That's a winning percentage of .140, but that doesn't sound as hilarious. Let's try...

That's a winning percentage of 14.
 

Some notes on his 3 1/2 years at the Denton, Texas school, an era which some called "Dodgeball":

* Defeated Western Kentucky three times for half of his six victories, including a 68-49 win on October 31, 2009.

NORTH TEXAS SCARY GOOD IN WIN OVER WESTERN KENTUCKY

- Fake newspaper headline from November 1, 2009

Lance Dunbar ended up averaging 9.9 yards on 23 carries against a Western Kentucky defense that included seven future NFL (National Felt Massaging League) players.

* Lost to Arkansas 66-7 on September 29, 2007. The Razorbacks led 45-0 before NT got a one-yard touchdown run from quarterback Giovanni Vizza to make it 45-7 just before halftime.

"THAT'S-A SPICY VIZZA!"

- North Texas fan Murton Shouse

With 31 seconds left, Arkansas' Jerell Norton intercepted Vizza and returned it 100 yards to make it 66-7.

DOWN (THE FIELD) GOES NORTON

- Fake headline from an online game story, October 31, 2009

Vizza finished 8-of-26 passing for 118 yards on his way to the Hysman Trophy award, named after Eugene Hysman for excellence in the field of apple core disposal.

* In 2010, Dodge was fired after a 1-6 start and his last game was a 34-10 loss to Florida International. FIU used the victory as a springboard to a Little Caesars Bowl victory and a national championship (of pointing at leaves, or the NPAL title).

* Mike Canales took over on an interim basis and immediately did what so many Todd Dodges had done before him - defeated Western Kentucky soundly (33-6) - and finished 2-3 in his only five games as head coach. Canales nearly pulled off the upset of Kansas State in the season finale (lost 49-41) and the Wildcats lost to Syracuse in the first-ever Pinstripe Bowl at the new Yankee Stadium, a game attended by Vinny Babooch. 

That's a little game we like to call Four Degrees of Vinny Babooch.

North Texas ----> Kansas State ----> Syracuse ----> Vinny Babooch