Golf is a serious game played very quietly by serious people
in serious pants.
(Apparently, sweatpants aren’t considered serious).
You have to pick up blades of grass and toss them in the air
to see which direction the wind is traveling, even though tossing blades of
grass in the air to see which direction the wind is traveling is almost completely
ridiculous.
It doesn’t have to be this way.
The following is step-by-step guide for the non-serious
golfer to make a day with serious golfers more pleasurable.
1. Mention how great you are at golf several times prior to
the round. Then play poorly right from the start and steadily get worse at each
hole. Keep muttering how you "never play like this" while blaming
things like the condition of the course or some kind of back injury. When
you complain about injuries, use a made-up medical term and see if anyone calls
you on it. If they do, tell them they don't know anything about medicine. If
they don't, keep changing the name of the medical condition each time you bring
it up.
2. Disappear for really long stretches of
time. Then join your group at a random hole. When they ask "where
have you been?", you can say
A. "Playing tennis."
B. "I'd rather not say."
C. "On the third hole giving a lesson. Not a golf
lesson. Wok cooking."
D. "Playing a few holes with three other guys."
E. "Well, I could ask you the same question."
3. Changing outfits can be a great way to lighten the mood.
Start the day with pants and a golf shirt, then by hole 8 you're in jeans and a
Tazmanian Devil tank top. By the time you reach the 15th hole, you're in a
bathing suit, flip flops and a Kansas City Chiefs jersey.
4. A lot of the times golf takes place early in the morning,
so bringing a sack full of scrambled eggs and periodically reaching into the
sack and eating some eggs is encouraged.
Next level
scrambled eggs
- bring some with you to putt, maybe spill a few on the green.
- use an egg instead of a quarter when picking up your ball
on the green.
If anyone asks you for some scrambled eggs (they might not),
make a wager on a hole: "Sink this shot and you can reach in and grab as
much as you want."
5. Find a random person to sign your score card. When they're
done, either:
A. Give a "thumbs up" and hold them up for
an uncomfortable amount of time.
B. Ask them to dance. Not with you, but to dance by themselves.
C. Return shortly after and ask them to sign something else,
like your shirt or the roof of the golf cart.
D. Try to get them to use their own pen and when they're done
signing, leave them holding the score card and run off with the pen.
6. The clubhouse is a big deal, though I'm not sure why. It's
basically a gift shop with beer.
Here are a few ways to shake it up a bit in the clubhouse.
A. Auction off items from each of the holes: a chunk of grass
from the fairway at 11; a cup of sand from the 6th hole, or just items from the
clubhouse: 'how much for this chair? Hey, I got $40, do I hear $50?!' Make sure
you have a gavel.
B. Announce drinks are on you, then when a person orders a
beer, single them out. "Ooooh, no. I meant everyone but you."
C. Parade someone around the clubhouse flanked by a handful
of men who look like security guards. Have the guards move people out of the
way and pretend to whisper into walkie talkies. For at least 10 minutes, go in
and out of different doors of the clubhouse repeating the same thing each time.
Kurt Aschermann is a staff
writer at Hole In 11 Magazine. He can be reached at kurt.aschermann@gmail.com
