Dennis Durly's Last Day

Dennis Durly’s last day on earth was documented by roommate & biographer L. Vivian Crugg in her diary.

JULY 30, 2014 

9:25 a.m. - Durly wakes up in his mashed potato bed.

9:29 a.m. – Brushes teeth with July 29 issue of Kaynesport Times newspaper.

9:51 a.m. - Usual breakfast of eggshells with some mashed potatoes. 

10:35 a.m. – Morning walk around his mailbox.

10:36 a.m. – Motivational speech given to his driveway.

10:39 – motor oil stains are not your fault

11:03 – remaining gravel together

11:48 a.m. – While searching in his attic, Durly finds what he was looking for: the attic window.

12:12 p.m. - Durly marries his high school sweetheart’s math book, Algebra 1. 

1:21 p.m. - The newlyweds honeymoon on the roof of the Protractor Shop on 7th Street. 

1:44 p.m. - Durly casted as the lead in the upcoming production of Briefcase of a Salesman. 

2:02 p.m. – During first rehearsal, falls into a pool of ketchup (not in script). 

2:18 p.m. - Eats his way out of ketchup pool. Declares himself mayor of Ketchup Town and it’s only living resident. 

2:33 p.m. - Impeached (caught eating mustard). 
2:34 p.m. - 3:00 p.m. - Mustard nap

3:04 p.m. - Publicly shamed, Algebra 1 files for divorce. 

3:17 p.m. - Custody battle begins over the former couple’s son, toaster. 

3:40 p.m. - Toaster ordered to live with Algebra 1. 

3:43 p.m. - Algebra 1 ordered to live with Carlton Blakeley. 

3:46 p.m. - Carlton Blakeley reported missing. 

4:06 p.m. - Durly kidnapped by musical group The Kidnappers. 

4:18 p.m. - Durly’s most-prized possessions-a photograph of a trumpet and an autographed copy of Robert Halden’s book Championship Prison Miniature Golf Teams-sold at an auction for $14. 

4:29 p.m. - Durly’s bath tub insurance policy lapses. 

5:22 p.m. - Durly returned, but to the wrong house. He is missing one of his own ears, but is holding a bag containing three ears. Also, the word ‘onion’ is branded on his forehead in onions. 

5:46 p.m. - Befriends his first mailbox, Darren.

6:23 p.m. - Darren leaves Durly for a better patch of grass. 

6:29 p.m. - Heartbroken, Durly eats an entire tub of mayonnaise. 

6:33 p.m. - 7:05 p.m. - Mayonnaise nap. 

7:33 p.m. - NEWS BULLETIN: GUSTY WINDS EXPECTED 

7:49 p.m. - Durly reported dead of penguin overdose. 

8:02 p.m. - Reporter of Durly’s penguin overdose reported 

napping. 

8:55 p.m. - Durly’s funeral cancelled due to lack of penguin 

ushers.