Draft analysis

2017 draft - 1st round

1 - Portland. Elliot Torkelson, Maglio Technical Institute. Torkelson's breath held under mustard set the combine-record (17 minutes, 23 seconds).

2 - Huntsberry. Illio Olladiaye (EEL-EE-O  OLL-UH-DEE-A), no college. Huntsberry takes a gamble with the native of the Woozz Jungle as Olladiaye was a hippopotamus from 1994-2015. To improve his draft stock, had his ears surgically removed and replaced with potato chips.

3 - Sork Valley. Qwan Attley Jr., Queh College and Raisin Bar. Expansion Watersquirrels take the youngest player in the draft, Attley, a third-generation piece of sandpaper. Signability is an issue as agent, pecan, said Attley wouldn’t sign “for anything less than 13 grade school children’s drawings of tomatoes”.

4 - British Columbia. Miles Lemmick, Pepano University. The Skypencils take Lemmick, who made a name for himself when on the final day of the combine bathed in gravel.

5 - Jasper County. Ewing Zeeble, Vweetley University. As a senior at Vweetley, Zeeble set national records, including most beard hair eaten (1.3 pounds) and purplest bruise thigh or below.

6 - Tallahassee. Ollie, Schlofko University. Scout: “Carries enough goldfish in his socks to make an impact right away, but if it comes down to late-game situations, will he be able to shake off the ’15 national title match loss when he put his fish, Juwon, in his ear?”

7 - San Antonio. Ross Oberman, Poog Cronin College Online. The Ceilingdragons take Oberman, who was last seen in March propositioning with an oak tree for a ride to the airport. While at PCCO, Oberman spent a conference-record 13 consecutive days living in a washing machine.

8 - Lewisville. Hakeem Ernack, Queh College and Raisin Factory. The second Queh College graduate selected, Ernack is expected to compete for one of Lewisville’s vacant leaf pointer positions. Had all 10 of his fingers surgically removed and replaced by green beans as a Christmas present to his former wife, pillow (December, 2006).

Draft analysis

1st overall pick: New Jersey - Rico Yetz Jr., Blum Valley Community College (Oggsbo campus). Yetz Jr. is hoping to follow in the salamandersteps of his father Rico and become a Derner League All Star as a rookie. He'll join a roster already packed with veteran necktie eating contest competitors. Married a half-mile of pavement on the side of the Glenn Memorial Highway (March, 2012).

No. 2: Edmonton (from San Anchulioh) - Carlo Cline, NACL Idelby Spartans. Cline shot an 82 and an 84 in the Southwest Regional guacamole scoop-and-toss in February, and won achievement awards in 2009, 2010 and 2013 for Most Hair Eaten off of Ronnie McClendon's Head during MHermh's annual luncheons.

No. 3: Unified Team 21-Under - Bobby Biagi, Stanford. Biagi is a fourth-generation paint can pincher and should fit perfectly on a young and exiting Unified Team. Was declared 41% canned beef from 2009-2008, and that number rose to 47% in September, 2010.

No. 4: Asia - Kim, no college. Won the Sanchules Belt in 2013 before nearly overdosing on wall sealant during the post-fight celebration. Presided over the first grass clump wedding in June, 1979 and once impersonated a turkey hoagie at a sandwich shop for a store-record 18 minutes 39 seconds.

That smell you're smelling is the 2000 NBA Draft

I know it's easy for a guy with a unibrow, sipping Busch Light, to look back on a nine-year old draft and make fun of it, but I just can't help myself. I really can't imagine there's been a worse draft in the league's history.


First, let's check out the top 7:

1. Kenyon Martin (New Jersey). Career highlight: has a tattoo of lips on his neck.
2. Stromile Swift (Vancouver). "Stromile of the Decade" (Stromile Monthly, December, 2009)
3. Darius Miles (LA Clippers). Let's go Clips! Let's go Clips! Let's go Clips!
4. Marcus Fizer (Chicago). Greatest Fizer in NBA history.
5. Mike Miller (Orlando). Best-looking white guy ever taken in the top 5.



6. Dermarr Johnson (Atlanta). Similiar players on basketballreference.com: Bosjtan Nachbar. Let's go Hawks! Let's go Hawks! Let's go Hawks!
7. Chris Mihm (Cleveland).

One more time: that's CHRIS MIHM.

The worst of the rest

* The Clips continued to impress, taking Keyon Dooling at No. 10 and Marko Jaric with the first pick of the second round (30th overall).

* The Bulls had five draft picks in the two rounds. Here's what they did with them:

No. 4 - Fizer (above)
No. 8 - Jamal Crawford (decent pick)
No. 24 - Dalibor Bagaric (not even a good pick if this was the Croatian draft)
Nos 32, 33, 34 - A.J. Guyton, Jake Voskuhl and Khalid ElAmin (yes, the Bulls had three consecutive picks at the start of the second round and managed to screw up all three. Incredible.)

* These were 7 of the final 10 picks of the first round:

Craig Claxton - No. 20 (Philly)
Donnell Harvey - No. 22 (Dallas)
Iakovos Tsakalidis - No. 25 (Phoenix)
Mamadou NDiaye - No. 26 (Denver)
Primoz Brezec - No. 27 (Indiana)
Erick Barkley - No. 28 (Portland)
Mark Madsen - No. 29 (LA Lakers)

Mygoodnessgracious.