I'd Like to Change Some Classes

Ne u a melt 29

2012-02-07T13:02:00.000-05:00

Super Bowl Picks

2012-02-05T00:45:00.005-05:00

Last year, Derwood was right on 19% of his picks and ate six bowls of chili and 17 brown things stuffed with cheese, both Henington family-uninvited-guest records.

National anthem: Forehead

Opening kick off: fielded by a guy named Horace

Over/under corn chips eaten (Southeast region of United States): 680,000

Bob Costas: Real name: Robby Costus

Best commercial: Debra & Dale's Public Restroom

Ken O'Brien: inactive

Playing the percentages:

"Pinning your ears back" - 22%
"Taken to the woodshed" - 31%
Run "between the tackles" - 77%
"Tighten up your bootstraps" - 4%
"Ball recognition" - 9%
"Bow your neck" - .3%
"Playing the field position game" - 62%
"Third and manageable" - .1%

MVP: N/A

Final score: Giants 27, Patriots 20

Championship

2012-02-03T11:31:00.002-05:00

New Jersey Devils

Cigarette prices go up at local gas station

2012-02-01T14:28:00.001-05:00

Also for sale:

* Bag of corn chips - $18
* Air fresheners - 3 for $40
* Photographs taken with parking lot oil stains - $24.99

Making progress

2012-01-29T19:03:00.001-05:00

Championship

2012-01-22T09:48:00.000-05:00

St. Louis Cardinals

MVP: Tony Pena

Three-inning perfect game

2012-01-16T21:58:00.000-05:00

Steve Bedrosian

Billy parks here

2012-01-12T13:16:00.002-05:00

Former occupants:

James (2009-2010)
Harvey (2007-2009)
Darren (2004-2007)

[Unoccupied: 1999-2003]

James (1987-1998)

Food Review

2012-01-04T13:32:00.003-05:00

"That's just a quality snack item!"

- Staff Reports

Championship

2011-12-30T18:04:00.001-05:00

MVP: Will Clark

Conversations

2011-12-23T15:49:00.004-05:00

Dr. Robert "Bobby" Feathers talks with mild acquaintance Kelvin McRee about basketball.

Bobby Feathers: I tried out for my high school basketball team as a ninth grader and I made the team, except I didn't.
Kelvin McRee: Really?
BF: I can still remember what the coach said to me after the first day of cuts: "please leave and never return, and take your socks with you."
KM: I think you made that up.
BF: I don't appreciate your tone, maybe it's time you dropped it off at Settle Down Town. I grabbed seven rebounds per day during that try out. Even after the try out ended, I still was in the gym every afternoon, running wind sprints. Then, when the team took the court for game one, I joined them on the bench. One player said "what are you doing here?" and we laughed and laughed.
KM: Alright, that'll do.
BF: I remember our lay up line before the first game. I went in for the power lay up, Cedric Ceballos-style, and one of the players on the other team threw an orange at me. I'll never forget his name-Kenny McKoo.
KM: You need to get the cool rag on your forehead.
BF: Old McKoo. His left leg was three inches longer than his right. We called him One Leg Three Inches Shorter McKoo.
KM: Alright that's enough!
BF: Fine. "But the story was just getting good" - thousands.
KM: OK, continue.
BF: Well, old McKoo couldn't swim, so after a game one night we threw him into the pond outside the school. He could've drowned if he hadn't gotten out before he drowned.
KM:
BF: The next day in school he charged after Little Pete, our point guard. They got into a fight (we called it a "Shikance" in those days) and before we knew it they were shipped off to the war
KM: Wow.
BF: So we're down to seven players. Needless to say the game the next night against Herber High didn't go too well. Mid-2nd quarter, coach points a finger at me and says "Torkelson, you're playing the five! Now put your pants and shoes on and get in there!"
KM:
BF: So I said "ok, dad", and he said "I'm not your father!" Then I said "you never have time for me! I'm going to live with grandma!"
KM:
BF: "But before I move in with grandma, I've got a ball game to win," I said. I ran in to the game and got the ball at half court, threw up a 40-footer and it went in! We had cut the lead to 43-9. My teammates carried me off the court and into a dumpster...I spent my entire 9th grade year in that dumpster.
KM: Why didn't you just get out?
BF: You get attached to the dumpster. I think psychiatrists call it Herman Syndrome
KM:
BF: The N.C. State coach came into the dumpster one night and revoked my scholarship.
KM: You were never offered a scholarship to play at N.C. State.
BF: He said "we don't have room in Raleigh for people like you and what's-his-name." There was another guy in the dumpster at the time.
KM:
BF: Anyway, everything worked out for the best. The dumpster caught on fire one night and I got out just in time to run for office.
KM: Which office?
BF: I can't remember.

Championship

2011-12-17T14:17:00.000-05:00

Anaheim Ducks

MVP: Lonnie Loach

A short text message conversation

2011-12-15T20:19:00.006-05:00

Thursday evening, Bob Feathers and Capolo Rafelio had a quick conversation about Publix grocery store chicken wings.

Capolo Rafelio: I took a gamble on Publix wings tonight and I lost.

Bob Feathers: Publix wings are like that stuff the religious people always say: the wing giveth and taketh the stones from Moses, and he slung it. Something like that.

CR: I don't know about Moses, but these wings are taking, and then giving back tomorrow.

BF: I just looked it up. Ethusians, 8-6: wingeth taketh and naught giveth until the cup punishes on a newer morning. When they said the cup, they were probably referring specifically to your toilet.

CR: OK, that's enough.

Green beans: $.05

2011-12-13T14:47:00.002-05:00

ILTCSC's Guide to the Bowls

2011-12-12T18:10:00.000-05:00

College football's bowl season kicks off Saturday with the New Mexico Bowl, and finishes up right around Easter. We've got you covered for all 34 bowls.

New Mexico - Wyoming vs. Temple

Temple has the 7th-best rushing offense in the nation, led by Bernard Pierce, who rushed for over 1,232 yards and 20 TD, (his 149 yards and five-TD performance against Maryland didn't count because of the new Maryland Rule™). Meanwhile, Wyoming's rush defense is sixth-worst (230 yards/game), though the Cowboys are 1-0 all-time in the New Mexico Bowl.

Famous Idaho Potato - Ohio vs. Utah State

I'm not sure Idaho potatoes are even famous anymore. It's time for us to find something else Idaho can do. Great bowl name, part 1: Utah State quarterback Chuckie Keeton.

New Orleans - Louisiana-Lafayette vs. San Diego State

Travel fact: terrible teams from California never do well when they have to fly across country and play equally-terrible teams.

Beef O'Brady's - Florida International vs. Marshall

Chili dog recipe

- 1 hot dog
- 1 hot dog bun
- Beans
- Ground beef
- Chili O'Clock™ hat

Put on hat. Make chili, preferably in a bath tub. Heat up hot dog, pour chili on top of hot dog. Serves one.

Poinsettia - TCU vs. Louisiana Tech

Hey, TCU: congratulations on a 10-win season that included a conference championship and a road win over No. 5 Boise State. Now, go play Louisiana Tech on a Wednesday in the Poinsettia Bowl.

Maaco - Boise State vs. Arizona State

Hey, Boise State: congratulations, you won 11 games, including beating Georgia, and were a one-point loss from going undefeated. Now, go play 6-6 Arizona State in the Maaco Bowl.

Hawaii - Southern Mississippi vs. Nevada

Southern Miss somehow lost to Marshall and UAB, but won its other 11 games by an average margin of 20 points. The Golden Eagles' rush defense is solid, while Nevada collects over 250 rushing yards per game. Great bowl name, part 2: Southern Miss defensive back Furious Bradley.

Independence - Missouri vs. North Carolina

How to get a cat down from a roof:

Climb up onto the roof and grab the thing before it runs away. While still holding the cat, get down from the roof.

Little Caesars - Western Michigan vs. Purdue

1. Marshall has played in the Little Caesars (formerly the Motor City) Bowl five times.
2. Marshall won the Caesars/Motor City three consecutive seasons (1998-2000)

Belk - Louisville vs. N.C. State

The Belk Bowl? Come on.

Military - Air Force vs. Toledo

This game would be a lot better if it was played on another day besides a Wednesday, at a time other than 4:30 in the afternoon, and if two other teams were playing in it.

Holiday - California vs. Texas

It happens all the time, but the Cal has not been the same since the Presbyterian game, finishing 4-5 after a 3-0 start. Some people think Texas is worth watching because it has the less-talented brothers of the school's former star quarterback and wide receiver, but I've never met any of those people.

Champs Sports - Florida State vs. Notre Dame
Great bowl name, part 3: FSU lineman Sterling Lovelady.

Alamo - Baylor vs. Washington

I knew when Washington beat Eastern Washington back on September 3 that we'd be counting down the days until the Huskies played Baylor in the Alamo Bowl. I remember when we hit the magical 47 mark. Now, finally, that day is just 16 more days away.

Armed Forces - BYU vs. Tulsa

Poem

"Bank Robber"

The masked mandolin
tried to Ron a bank,
but forgot his gum
and was sent to gel for lice.

Pinstripe - Rutgers vs. Iowa State

Finally, college football fans get what they want: Rutgers and Iowa State. The winning coach gets to massage former Yankees' manager Stump Merrill's hemorrhoids.

Insight - Oklahoma vs. Iowa

Weave found

Meineke Car Care - Texas A&M vs. Northwestern

The only time Northwestern has won a postseason game was in the 1949 Rose Bowl. It's been eight consecutive losses since, including that famous 2003 Motor City Bowl loss to Bowling Green.

Sun - Georgia Tech vs. Utah

Tech's rushing attack (3rd in nation, 316 YPG) goes up against Utah's rushing defense (7th, 97 YPG).

The head coaches-Paul Johnson and Kyle Whittingham-putting their hands on some helmets.

95% chance someone just beefed.

Kraft Fight Hunger - UCLA vs. Illinois

Liberty - Cincinnati vs. Vanderbilt

Vandy's coach from 1997-2001 was Woody Widenhofer. And people wonder why this program has only been to five bowl games in 108 years.

Peach Bowl - Virginia vs. Auburn

Great bowl name, part 4: Virginia defensive tackle Buddy Ruff.

TicketCity - Houston vs. Penn State

Celery Man, TicketCity Bowl publicity photo
[Photo aged three hours]

Capital One - South Carolina vs. Nebraska

So, you purchased your first mashed potato pit.

1. Congratulations
2. Jump in and have fun
3. But not too much fun (supper's at 6)

Gator - Ohio State vs. Florida

This match up would've been great in ANY other season.

Outback - Georgia vs. Michigan State

The reward for finishing as runners-up in the SEC and Big Ten: Tampa!

Wait, that didn't come out right.

Tampa&

Cotton - Arkansas vs. Kansas State

What's going on here?

Any ideas, please email thislady@embarrassmenttomyfamily.com

BBVA Compass - SMU vs. Pittsburgh

How to get a grandfather down from a roof:

Climb up onto the roof and grab the thing before it runs away. While still holding the grandfather, get down from the roof.

GoDaddy.com - Northern Illinois vs. Arkansas State

Great bowl name, part 5: Arkansas State coach Hugh Freeze.

Rose - Oregon vs. Wisconsin

Great bowl name, part 6: Oregon kicker Alejandro Maldonado.

Fiesta - Oklahoma State vs. Stanford

Could potentially be the best of the 83 bowl games as two great offenses go at it in Tempe. Winner gets one tortilla chip to split amongst the players, coaches and band members.

Sugar - Michigan vs. Virginia Tech

People think Virginia Tech being invited to the Sugar Bowl is the biggest travesty of the 2011 football season, but those people keep forgetting UCLA still has one more game to play.

Biggest travesties of the 2011 football season

1. The Kansas defense
2. UCLA playing in a bowl
3. Virginia Tech in the Sugar Bowl
4. Charles Davis on FOX's broadcast of the Big Ten championship game

Orange - Clemson vs. West Virginia

Clemson coach Dabo Swinney got to a BCS bowl in his third full season, setting the modern record for quickest a Dabo has gotten to a BCS bowl.

[Note: Dabo Derden, head coach of Feathers College took the Alawitzes to the Derwood Bowl in 1908.]

BCS Championship - LSU vs. Alabama

It's about time these two teams, and the Southeastern Conference as a whole, got some national attention. All year it was North Texas this and Western Kentucky that. I've had enough of this Sun Belt bias.

Championship Friday

2011-12-09T03:13:00.002-05:00

Minnesota Twins

MVP: Tim Laudner

Houston Astros

MVP: Denny Walling

Buffalo Sabres

MVP: Alexander Mogilny

Rare double assist screen

2011-12-03T14:13:00.000-05:00

Dave Ellett with a pair of assists on a goal by Glenn Anderson.

Championship

2011-11-27T23:40:00.001-05:00

California Angels

Thanksgiving T-Shirts Now Available

2011-11-24T23:28:00.000-05:00

$15
Email bobbyfeathers@gmail.com to order

Championship

2011-11-21T14:43:00.000-05:00

Florida Panthers

Derwood Doesn't Bowl Today

2011-11-18T01:49:00.000-05:00

Petitions

2011-11-13T15:57:00.000-05:00

* Eliminate napkins by 2015
* Help make the kidney bean the official national bean

** Over 170 signatures collected **

Reader Contributions

2011-11-09T14:56:00.000-05:00

This drawing comes from ILTCSC reader Capolo Henderson. He calls this "Teen Wolf III: Offensive Lineman"

Championship

2011-11-06T20:26:00.000-05:00

San Jose Sharks

A Shoot Out for the Ages

2011-10-31T17:55:00.004-04:00

* Shoot out-winning goal by Geoff Sanderson
* Sean Burke: 69 saves
* Arturs Irbe: 68 saves

Radar gun - Day 1

2011-10-28T17:54:00.004-04:00

Thursday, October 27

* Lewis Pope whizzing by on his bike: 16 mph
* Derwood throwing a stick: 2 mph
* Derwood walking: 1st reading 2 mph, 2nd reading 3 mph
* Car: 21 mph
* Lewis Pope speed walking: 8 mph

You Stink! merchandise now available

2011-10-09T00:23:00.000-04:00

* T-shirts
* Motivational posters
* Stickers
* Personalized forehead stamps
* Buttons
* Bumper stickers

Email for price list
derwoodmorris@gmail.com

Rare pitching from 55 feet screen

2011-10-03T23:44:00.000-04:00

Food Review

2011-09-24T23:48:00.000-04:00

"That's just a quality snack item!"

- Oscar Rainbow

Championship

2011-09-13T13:34:00.000-04:00

St. Louis Cardinals

New Ramen Noodle Rankings

2011-09-07T16:43:00.001-04:00

RN Top 6
September, 2011 (last month)

1. Chicken (1)

2. Roasted chicken (2)
3. Creamy chicken (4)
4. Roast beef (3)
5. Chicken & mushroom (5)
T6. Beef (6)
Shrimp (NR)

Others receiving votes: Pork (1), Chili (1), Oriental (1)

Goose

2011-09-05T15:47:00.003-04:00

Reggie Martinez
Age: 5
Attitude: standoffish
Temporary position: back door look out

Safety Goggles Live Blog

2011-08-29T09:55:00.001-04:00

[From August 28, 2011 - @therealderwood]

7:29 p.m. EST - I'm wearing safety goggles. What I do next could make or break my evening.

7:40 p.m. - Goggles moved on top of my head....you don't know what I'm going to do next.

8:03 p.m. - Tried to put the safety goggles on a squirrel's face. Unsuccessful.

8:24 p.m. - Tried to trade safety goggles for salami sandwich. Sandwich had already been eaten.

8:25 p.m. - Awkward moment when I put the goggles back on my head finally over.

8:42 p.m. - Misplaced the safety goggles.

8:44 p.m. - There they are.

Special thanks to: The Holy Goggles Corporation and the McCrary Lane Philharmonic.

Your Teen Wolf Too Reminder

2011-08-27T13:41:00.001-04:00

Contest Winner Announced

2011-08-24T16:04:00.004-04:00

ILTCSC's first-ever "Draw a Hamburger Contest" has concluded and after receiving more than 500 entries, our editors have declared a winner:

* Drawn by Harold Zombo of Roswell, GA *

Harold will receive the grand prize of two slices of wheat bread as well as have his drawing appear in the site's 1st annual Hamburger Drawings magazine. Congratulations, Harold!

Derwood Bowls a 50

2011-08-21T22:26:00.001-04:00

Have fun playing golf

2011-08-20T11:22:00.000-04:00

How to make a day of golf with serious golfers hilarious
By Derwood Morris

Golf GUYS take golf seriously. You have to wear the right pants, or you at least have to wear pants. You have to pick up blades of grass and toss them in the air to see which direction the wind is traveling, even though tossing blades of grass in the air to see which direction the wind is traveling is really stupid. Serious golf guys want you to be quiet.

I've developed a list of ideas for the non-serious golfer to make a day with serious golfers more pleasurable. Here we go.

1. Mention how great you are at golf at least 10 times prior to the round. Then play poorly right from the start and steadily get worse from hole to hole. Keep muttering how you "never play like this", and keep blaming things like the condition of the course and some kind of back or leg injury. When you complain about injuries, use a made-up medical term and see if anyone calls you on it. If they do, tell them they don't know anything about medicine. If they don't, keep changing the name of the medical condition each time you bring it up.

2. Disappear for 15-20 minutes at a time (it can be for longer, but no less than 15). Then join your group at a random hole. When they ask "where have you been?", you can say

A. "Been looking for my ball."
B. "I was playing tennis."
C. "I'd rather not say."
D. "Building a sandcastle!" (then storm off, maybe fake cry a little)
E. "On the third hole giving a lesson. Not a golf lesson. Karate."
F. "Well, I could ask you the same question."
G. "Playing a few holes with three other guys."

3. Changing outfits can be a great way to lighten the mood. Start the day with pants and a golf shirt, then by hole 8 you're in jeans and a Tazmanian Devil tank top. By the time you reach the 15th hole, you're in a bathing suit, flip flops and a Kansas City Chiefs jersey.

4. A lot of the times golf takes place early in the morning, so bringing a sack full of scrambled eggs and periodically reaching into the sack and eating some eggs is encouraged. Bonus points if you bring some scrambled eggs with you to putt, maybe spill a few on the green. Even more bonus points if you use an egg instead of a quarter when picking up your ball on the green.

If anyone asks you for some scrambled eggs (they won't), make a wager on a hole for the eggs. "If you can sink this 90-foot shot, you can reach in and grab as much as you want."

5. Make lots of ridiculous bets.

"If I make this putt, I get one tee from each of you."

"Let's crawl to the next hole. Winner gets to walk to the hole after that."

"I'll give $1,000 to whoever spots [insert name of rare bird]."

6. Find a random person to sign your score card. When they're done, either:

A. Hug them for an uncomfortable amount of time.
B. Ask then to dance.
C. Return no less than 5 seconds later and ask them to sign something else, like your shirt or the roof of the golf cart.
D. Try to get them to use their own pen and when they're done signing, leave them holding the score card and run off with the pen.

7. Golf guys love to talk about the clubhouse. "After 18, we'll meet in the clubhouse." "Grab a brew in the clubhouse?" The clubhouse stinks. It's time to shake up the clubhouse scene.

A. Auction off items from each of the holes: a chunk of grass from the fairway on 11; a cup of sand from 6, or just items from the clubhouse: 'how much for this chair? Hey, I got $40, do I hear $50?!' Make sure you have a gavel.
B. Announce drinks are on you, then when a guy orders a beer, single him out. "Ooooh, no. I meant everyone but you."
C. Stage a giant, loud, celebration. If people come over to see what you're celebrating (they won't), say something like 'Harry drowned in the water hazard on 12.'
D. Parade someone around the clubhouse flanked by a handful of men who look like security guards. Have the guards move people out of the way and pretend to whisper into walkie talkies. For at least 10 minutes, go in and out of different doors of the clubhouse repeating the same thing each time.

Derwood Morris writes about golf at Hole in Eleven Magazine. You can email him at derwoodmorris@gmail.com

Only $6.99

2011-08-16T21:30:00.002-04:00

Championship

2011-08-14T20:19:00.002-04:00

Ottawa Senators

That's Just About Enough of the Nonsense

2011-08-08T16:07:00.000-04:00

It's time for another installment of That's Just About Enough of the Nonsense.

Any thoughts on this matter?
Email thisguy@embarrassmenttomychildren.com

Three inning perfect game

2011-08-05T15:40:00.000-04:00

Ken Dayley

Ramen Noodle Rankings Stay Same for August

2011-08-02T07:49:00.000-04:00

RN Top 6
August, 2011 (last month)

1. Chicken (1)
2. Roasted chicken (2)
3. Roast beef (3)
4. Creamy chicken (4)
5. Chicken & mushroom (5)
6. Beef (6)

Others receiving votes: Shrimp (1), Pork (1), Chili (1), Oriental (1)

* Note - Chicken will spend its 17th consecutive month in the top spot, breaking the old record of 16 set by roast beef in 1999 *

Four-inning Perfect Game

2011-07-23T23:41:00.001-04:00

Rick Reuschel

Rare Pitching From 15 Feet Screen

2011-07-15T13:29:00.003-04:00

* Sent in by ILTCSC reader Capolo Henderson

Championship

2011-07-06T17:40:00.002-04:00

New Ramen Noodle Rankings Released

2011-07-05T15:37:00.001-04:00

RN Top 6
July, 2011 (last month)

1. Chicken (1)
2. Roasted chicken (3)
3. Roast beef (2)
4. Creamy chicken (4)
5. Chicken & Mushroom (6)
6. Beef (NR)

Dropped out: Pork (6)

Others receiving votes: Shrimp (1), Pork (1), Chili (1), Oriental (1)

Championship

2011-07-04T15:15:00.000-04:00

Hartford Whalers

That's Just About Enough of the Nonsense

2011-07-03T23:11:00.000-04:00

Championship

2011-06-27T14:35:00.002-04:00

NYY Championship

2011-06-23T12:32:00.001-04:00

* Title won by ILTCSC reader Capolo Henderson *

That's Just About Enough of the Nonsense

2011-06-09T21:24:00.000-04:00

New Ramen Noodle Rankings Released

2011-06-05T13:03:00.000-04:00

RN Top 6
June, 2011 (last month)

1. Chicken (1)
2. Roasted beef (2)
3. Roast chicken (3)
4. Creamy chicken (4)
5. Chicken & Mushroom (6)
6. Pork (5)

Others receiving votes: Shrimp (1), Beef (1), Chili (1), Oriental (1)

Championship

2011-05-28T12:13:00.002-04:00

That's Just About Enough of the Nonsense

2011-05-24T23:11:00.006-04:00

What's going on here?

Any thoughts, please email thislady@idontknowwhatimdoing.com

Championship

2011-05-22T00:08:00.002-04:00

Back pizza

2011-05-18T16:47:00.003-04:00

Pryor

2011-05-12T02:59:00.000-04:00

Championship

2011-05-06T17:45:00.000-04:00

That's Just About Enough of the Nonsense

2011-04-23T03:08:00.002-04:00

Cakes and the high school students who decorate them

2011-04-16T23:03:00.001-04:00

It's time to play Ernie's favorite game, Fun at the Department of Labor channel!

Tonight on 'JobTV':

Job: Cake decorator
Experience: 2 years
Education: some high school

"I'm dropping out. Going to become a cake decorator."

- Freshman Ronald Coursey

Food review

2011-04-05T21:23:00.000-04:00

"Now that's just a quality snack item!"

- Bob Feathers

Inedible

2011-04-01T22:28:00.002-04:00

See that giant, disgusting, black tube in the woods, with the vomit stains? Don't eat what's inside of it.

Chili

2011-03-25T21:54:00.001-04:00

Eating 11 bowls of chili in a 44-hour span is not the best idea I've had.

That's Just About Enough of the Nonsense

2011-03-10T19:22:00.008-05:00

It's time to play That's Just About Enough of the Nonsense.

Today's entry:

What exactly is going on here? Any thoughts, email thisguy@embarrassmenttomychildren.com

Philadelphia Eagles Goodness

2011-03-09T00:58:00.004-05:00

Pay particular attention to: Luis Zendejas at the 1:02 mark.

STOP making these stickers

2011-02-20T13:55:00.002-05:00

This sticker only works if you're near a STOP sign. Otherwise, it's just a sticker that says WEARING FUR, and I don't know what that means.

Other stickers available:

* THE RAIN FOREST
* CUTTING DOWN TREES
* OIL SPILLS
* SIGN

Food review

2011-02-19T11:27:00.002-05:00

"Now that's just a quality snack item!"

- Thousands

Ram It?

2011-02-14T00:59:00.002-05:00

This is the Los Angeles Rams rapping in a video called "Ram It". Enjoy?

Highlights:

* The 2:21 mark. Not sure what the hell is going on here, but I don't like it one bit.
* Fake saxophone solo by No. 78 at 3:05. 1980s staple.
* 3:48!
* 4:24: let's move this party outside

It's Almost Baseball Season

2011-02-08T22:06:00.001-05:00

* Formerly a Jon Lester baseball card *

ILTCSC Super Bowl Picks

2011-02-04T15:49:00.011-05:00

We here at ILTCSC encourage you to use the following information for gambling purposes.

National anthem: Edwin Merkwon

Over/under potato chips eaten (national): 17,000,000

Over/under camera shots of Jerry Jones picking his nose: 4

Not participating: Carson Palmer, Olindo Mare, Bo Scaife, Correll Buckhalter, most of the Kansas City Chiefs

Over/under camera shots of Jerry Jones picking someone else's nose: 3

Ickey Shuffle?: Rashard Mendenhall

Boomer Esiason Shuffle?: not real

Best commercial: The Worm Store

Halftime show: Peggy Cliff

MVP: One of the Falcons

Color of Gatorade bath: gray

Final score: Packers 20, Steelers 17, Cardinals 6

Ahhahahahahahhahahahahahaha

2011-02-02T13:16:00.001-05:00

hahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Salami Sandwich: A Portrait

2011-02-02T11:41:00.002-05:00

Morris Box

2011-02-01T15:18:00.000-05:00

Morris Box™

The walk back in

2011-01-26T14:48:00.002-05:00

Giants title

2011-01-06T02:06:00.001-05:00

Jose Canseco at a Dave & Busters

2011-01-03T13:13:00.001-05:00

Mike and Ike Catastrophes of '10

2010-12-29T19:14:00.004-05:00

* Shell gas station parking lot, Conyers, GA
* 11 killed
* Hundreds wounded
* Medal of merit: yellow

Merry Christmas

2010-12-25T08:17:00.000-05:00

Night on the Town

2010-12-14T19:04:00.002-05:00

This from an incident report at Georgia Tech University. My favorite parts are in BOLD.

Aggravated Assault

Incident Date/Time: December 11, 2010, at approximately 4:00 AM

Incident Location: Sigma Alpha Epsilon Fraternity House located at 221 Fourth Street, NW

Incident Description: Two students at the Sigma Alpha Epsilon Fraternity house heard a chopping noise coming from the backyard of their house. When they went outside to investigate, they observed a male chopping at a tree with a hatchet. They confronted the male who appeared to be intoxicated. The male swung the hatchet at one of the students and missed. The students were not injured. The male was last seen running through the fire lane towards Fowler Street, NW.

Description of Suspect:
White Male
18-20 years old
5'8" tall
Dark jacket
Blue jeans
Red Santa hat

Status of Investigation: The incident is being investigated by the Georgia Tech Police Department.

Teen Wolf Too Review

2010-12-14T15:58:00.000-05:00

Special times from back in April

Opportunities

2010-12-14T14:19:00.004-05:00

It's time for another installment of Silly Spam.

Today's email comes from Robert Smith (roberts01@9cn):

I am Robert Smith (Partner) Barrister, advocate, Solicitor in Northern Ireland.I have a legitimate Investment offer for you. Get back to me for further details via my private email :( robertsmith10@rediffmail.com ) Sincerely, Barr.Robert Smith.

Hi, Robert Smith (Partner). I'm Derwood Morris (Potato) Salami Activist, pointer at leaves, Atlas Salesman in The Bathtub.

Robbie, I'm going to start by advocating that you capitalize advocate. Also, why is it so sad for you to talk about your private email?

That's Just About Enough of the Nonsense

2010-12-14T13:45:00.006-05:00

It's time to play Ernie's favorite game, That's Just About Enough of the Nonsense.

Today's entry:

What seems to be the situation here?

If you have any thoughts, please email thisguy@embarrassmenttomychildren.com

Hey, Guess What's Back?

2010-12-13T13:11:00.002-05:00

This weird site about RBI Baseball and John Schiambi.

We'll get the nonsense and potato fight coverage going again, but first a photo contribution from loyal reader Larry Wilson:

2010-01-28T12:58:00.003-05:00

Pimped-out 1987 Chevrolet station wagons with tinted windows in mirror are closer than they appear

2009-12-05T17:09:00.003-05:00

Teen Wolf Too un-licensed merchandise now available

2009-12-02T15:24:00.003-05:00

A - "Teen Wolf Too" - ADULT (M/L/XL)... $19.95

B - "You can't face life as a wolf and expect it to solve all your problems" - ADULT (M/L/XL)... $19.95

C - "Teen Wolf Too" - CHILD (XS/S/M)... $10.95

D - "I'd like to change some classes" - STICKER... $3.95

email derwoodmorris@gmail.com to order

The new Sylvania

2009-11-25T21:27:00.002-05:00

Davidson got its first win of the season tonight, defeating Fredonia State, 78-37. Rufus T. Firefly led Fredonia with 10 points; Chicolini and Pinky added eight points apiece.

Firefly, enjoying a post-game cigar

New blog

2009-11-25T16:16:00.005-05:00

Former staff writer Oscar Rainbow has teamed up with nationally-acclaimed writer Capolo to bring you a new blog, Hey Jerk, Get off my lawn.

Plenty of email conversations, video, and of course: pictures of people standing on lawns, walking on lawns and pictures of the lawns themselves.

Hey Jerk, Get off my lawn

Rainbow

Capolo

Championship

2009-11-21T17:28:00.001-05:00

Reader Contributions

2009-11-20T13:21:00.000-05:00

This drawing comes from reader Lawrence Tifko III.

A little about Lawrence

Full name: Lawrence Ebeneezer Tifko III
Born: July 17, 1954, underneath the Pederson's couch
Current residence: the Pederson's laundry room
Likes: mayonaisse art
Dislikes: crawling without a purpose
Dating history: three dates with Mary Leonard (fall, 1988)-relationship ended after Tifko executed the rare fart/burp/pick trifecta
Personal slogan: "egg crate on a mudpack, baby"
Email address: sweatylt57@paymont.edu

Your Teen Wolf Too Reminder

2009-11-20T00:23:00.003-05:00

"You broke my heart, 'cause I couldn't dance. You didn't even want me around. But now I'm back, to let you know, I can really shake 'em down."

ILTCSC re-visits an old friend

2009-11-18T22:14:00.006-05:00

"OK....this is off the record, but I probably find Tim Duncan as boring as you find Tim Duncan. Mrs. Duncan found him boring, too. He has a little trouble getting up and down the court, he doesn't relate very well to the power forwards of this generation and his ears are terrible. But that doesn't relieve you from your responsbility for this material. I'm still waiting for a feature story from some of you. Listen, Gregg Popovich is not joking! This is his job!"

A Dennis the Menace Christmas > MNF

2009-11-16T21:02:00.001-05:00

The Monday Night Football game is Baltimore-Cleveland!

Most exciting events on my TV: Monday, November 16

1. South Florida vs. Virginia
2. Hawks vs. Trailblazers
3. A Dennis the Menace Christmas on the Family Channel
4. Clemson-NC State football from four days ago on CSS
77. South Carolina vs. Georgia Southern
109. Baltimore-Cleveland MNF

Championship

2009-11-14T18:37:00.000-05:00

Eric Davis (12 games): 11 HR, 28 RBIs

Championship

2009-11-12T15:56:00.000-05:00

Zaxby's Comment Card

2009-11-10T18:06:00.000-05:00

"Why is everyone so stingy with the sauce? I got my sandwich and I said 'can I get some more sauce'? She says to me 'why don't you open your own chicken restaurant and that way you can have all the sauce you want, grandpa?!' I said 'maybe I will.' But I never did. Drinking ketchup straight out of the big container is a bad idea."

First prize - costume contest

2009-11-10T15:16:00.001-05:00

NYY Championship

2009-11-09T16:03:00.001-05:00

Champion plays Tengen All-Stars and MeMikeMe

Lineup cards:

Four-inning perfect game

2009-11-03T16:27:00.001-05:00

Fernando Valenzuela

Hello, nightmares? I'd like you to meet this Dallas Mavericks publicity photo

2009-11-02T13:03:00.001-05:00

When I look at this picture, I certainly don't see Mavericks intensity.