Apr 1, 2016

Workout program

Personal trainer Bobby Feathers, creator of world-famous workout videos At Least Do One Sit-up and Now We're Blubbersizing!, presents his third installment, Untitled Workout Video.


Workout: Solo thumb wars - left vs. right.

Diet: For breakfast/lunch, engage in a serious political discussion with a stick of butter. For dinner, watch a Hardees commercial.

Extra-curricular: Seduce a curling iron.


Workout: Sit down(s). Beginners: sit down slowly.

Diet: Breakfast/lunch, drink 3 ounces of beef broth. Dinner, call a random number in the phone book and initiate a conversation about cottage cheese.

Extra-curricular: Improvised whistling for 6 seconds


Workout: Daydream about roller skating.

Diet: For breakfast/lunch/dinner, chew on some notebook paper.

Extra-curricular: Massage a beach towel


Workout: Crawl 3 laps around the dining room table. At the end of each lap, scream the name of your 4th grade teacher. Example: "Mrs. Vanderells!!"

Diet: Breakfast/lunch, celery shavings. For dinner, bathe in soy sauce.

Extra-curricular: High-five practice with your goldfish.


Workout: Knee taps. Do four reps of six knee taps. For beginners: simulated knee tapping.

Diet: For breakfast/lunch, on a piece of paper, write down the name of your favorite salad dressing. For dinner, insult a plate of fat-free turkey bacon.

Extra-curricular: Rehabilitate a dying shampoo bottle.