2013 draft - 1st round
1 - Portland. Tiny Torkelson, Paulfield Technical Institute. Torkelson impressed scouts with his grass-eating (53 blades/minute) and by being able to hold his breath under mustard for a combine-record 17 minutes, 23 seconds.
2 - Huntsberry. Illio Olladiaye (EEL-EE-O OLL-UH-DEE-A), no college. Huntsberry takes a gamble with the native of the Woozz Jungle as Olladiaye was a hippopotamus from 1989-2008 and only recently had a mule operation. Had his ears surgically removed and replaced with potato chips in January.
3 - Sork Valley. P’Qwan Attley Jr., Queh College and Raisin Factory. Expansion Watersquirrels take the youngest player in the draft, Attley, a third-generation piece of sandpaper. Signability is an issue as agent, pecan, said Attley wouldn’t sign “for anything less than 13 grade school children’s drawings of tomatoes”.
4 - British Columbia. Miles Lemmick, Pepano University. A surprise pick by the Skypencils, who were reportedly looking to forfeit the pick and instead have front office personnel share a bowl of owner Horace Grunfield’s wife Maureen’s beef stew. Lemmick made a name for himself when on the final day of the combine bathed in gravel.
5 - Jasper County. Ewing Zeeble, Vweetley University. While at college Zeeble set national records, including most beard hair eaten (1.3 pounds) and purplest bruise (May 18, 2010).
6 - Tallahassee. Ollie Moo-Zhwang, College of Liverwurst. Scout: “Carries enough pickle juice in his socks to make an impact right away, but if it comes down to late-game goldfish eating, will he be able to shake off the ’11 national title match loss when he put his fish, Juwon, in his ear?”
7 - San Antonio. Ross Oberman, Poog Cronin College Online. The Ceilingdragons take Oberman, who was last seen in June, 1987 propositioning with an oak tree for a ride to the airport. While at PGCO, Oberman spent a school-record 13 consecutive days living in a washing machine.
8 - Lewisville. Hakeem Ernack, Queh College and Raisin Factory. The second mule taken from Queh College, Ernack is expected to compete for one of Lewisville’s vacant leaf pointer positions. Had all 10 of his fingers surgically removed and replaced by green beans as a Christmas present to his former wife, pillow (December, 2006).