Aug 29, 2011

Safety Goggles Live Blog

[From August 28, 2011 - @therealderwood]

7:29 p.m. EST - I'm wearing safety goggles. What I do next could make or break my evening.



7:40 p.m. - Goggles moved on top of my head.

8:03 p.m. - Tried to put the safety goggles on a squirrel's face. Unsuccessful.

8:24 p.m. - Tried to trade safety goggles for salami sandwich. Sandwich had already been eaten.



8:25 p.m. - Awkward moment when I put the goggles back on my head finally over.

8:42 p.m. - Misplaced the safety goggles.

8:44 p.m. - There they are.


Special thanks to: The Holy Goggles Corporation and the McCrary Lane Philharmonic.

Aug 24, 2011

Contest Winner Announced

ILTCSC's first-ever "Draw a Hamburger Contest" has concluded and after receiving more than 500 entries, our editors have declared a winner:




* Drawn by Harold Zombo of Roswell, GA *


Harold will receive the grand prize of two slices of wheat bread as well as have his drawing appear in the site's 1st annual Hamburger Drawings magazine. Congratulations, Harold!

Aug 20, 2011

Golf 101

Golf is a serious game played by serious people in serious pants.

You have to be really quiet. You have to pick up blades of grass and toss them in the air to see which direction the wind is traveling, even though tossing blades of grass in the air to see which direction the wind is traveling is really stupid. Sweatpants are discouraged.

The following is handy guide for the non-serious golfer to make a day with serious golfers more pleasurable.


1. Mention how great you are at golf several times prior to the round. Then play poorly right from the start and steadily get worse from hole to hole. Keep muttering how you "never play like this" while blaming things like the condition of the course or some kind of back injury. When you complain about injuries, use a made-up medical term and see if anyone calls you on it. If they do, tell them they don't know anything about medicine. If they don't, keep changing the name of the medical condition each time you bring it up.

2. Disappear for really long stretches of time. Then join your group at a random hole. When they ask "where have you been?", you can say

A. "Been looking for that darn ball."
B. "Playing tennis."
C. "I'd rather not say."
D. "On the third hole giving a lesson. Not a golf lesson. Wok cooking."
E. "Well, I could ask you the same question."
F. "Playing a few holes with three other guys."

3. Changing outfits can be a great way to lighten the mood. Start the day with pants and a golf shirt, then by hole 8 you're in jeans and a Tazmanian Devil tank top. By the time you reach the 15th hole, you're in a bathing suit, flip flops and a Kansas City Chiefs jersey.

4. A lot of the times golf takes place early in the morning, so bringing a sack full of scrambled eggs and periodically reaching into the sack and eating some eggs is encouraged.

Next level scrambled eggs:

- bring some with you to putt, maybe spill a few on the green .
- use an egg instead of a quarter when picking up your ball on the green.

If anyone asks you for some scrambled eggs (they won't), make a wager on a hole: "Sink this shot and you can reach in and grab as much as you want."

5. Find a random person to sign your score card. When they're done, either:

A. Give a "thumbs up" ad hold it for an uncomfortable amount of time.
B. Ask them to dance. Not with you, but to dance by themselves.
C. Return shortly after and ask them to sign something else, like your shirt or the roof of the golf cart.
D. Try to get them to use their own pen and when they're done signing, leave them holding the score card and run off with the pen.

6. The clubhouse is a big deal, though I'm not sure why. It's basically a gift shop with beer.

Here are a few ways to shake it up a bit in the clubhouse.

A. Auction off items from each of the holes: a chunk of grass from the fairway at 11; a cup of sand from the 6th hole, or just items from the clubhouse: 'how much for this chair? Hey, I got $40, do I hear $50?!' Make sure you have a gavel.
B. Announce drinks are on you, then when a person orders a beer, single them out. "Ooooh, no. I meant everyone but you."
C. Parade someone around the clubhouse flanked by a handful of men who look like security guards. Have the guards move people out of the way and pretend to whisper into walkie talkies. For at least 10 minutes, go in and out of different doors of the clubhouse repeating the same thing each time.


Aug 8, 2011

That's Just About Enough of the Nonsense

It's time for another installment of That's Just About Enough of the Nonsense.




Thoughts? Email thisguy@embarrassmenttomychildren.com

Aug 2, 2011

Ramen Noodle Rankings Stay Same for August

RN Top 6
August, 2011 (last month)

1. Chicken (1)
2. Roasted chicken (2)
3. Roast beef (3)
4. Creamy chicken (4)
5. Chicken & mushroom (5)
6. Beef (6)

Others receiving votes: Shrimp (1), Pork (1), Chili (1), Oriental (1)


* Note - Chicken will spend its 17th consecutive month in the top spot, breaking the old record of 16 set by roast beef in 1999 *